Things I'd like to see - Indiana Jones: The animated series

This is part one of an ongoing series of rambling blogs about... things I'd like to see. It may be the return of a cartoon or toy line, the re-boot of a movie franchise or the comeback of an actor.

Today's installment tries to whip up some interest in an animated "Indiana Jones" series.

Oh, and listen to this as you read.

Time is running out on “Indy” as a live action saga, and with the results mixed [to put it mildly] with the last outing, the future of our favorite archaeologist may be as an animated character.

I gave some thought to the idea of live action prequels, but A.) I can’t see anyone else but Ford [Live action/big screen] playing Indy and B.) The last time Lucas tried the prequel thing, we got this.

Going all the way back to the 80's "Droids" and "Ewoks", "Star Wars" in animation has been primarily concerned with appealing to younger fans who came along at the tail end of the live action sagas and were now coming into their own as a force in terms of buying tie-in merchandise.

For Indy I see a more mature tone. Something made for adults that would naturally appeal to kids as well, just as the movies do. I want to take the saga and the character back to it's roots in "Raiders of the Lost Ark". There would be the same sense of fun and adventure, but without groan inducing one liners, flatulence jokes and general frivolity that have plagued the prequels and the newest "Clone Wars" cartoon.

With the tone established we need a timeline. What's great about animation is we can go anywhere we want to and Indy can be ageless. I don't like the idea of doing young Indy for a variety of reasons. For one we've already been there and another is that it could skew too close to "Jonny Quest" territory. There's plenty of room to skip around within the timeline of the films, but I really don't like that either. So for me, the ideal choice is sometime in the late 1920's. For whatever reason 1928 sounds right. That would put it seven years before the events of "Temple of Doom" [Chronologically speaking the first story of the film saga's timeline]. His birth date is given as July 1st, 1899, so this would make him 28-29. It would be a chance to see a greener and perhaps even more brash Indy.

In terms of the animation style, the 2002 revamped version of "Masters of the Universe" is what I'd go for. Apply that to the world of Indiana Jones in the late 1920's and you get a sense of what I'm thinking about.

If you were able to hire someone with a passion for the character and a vision for the show, and if they had the freedom to make it their own without meddling from Spielberg and especially Lucas, I believe that "Indiana Jones: The animated series" could be a wonderful and exciting saga that could breath new life into what has thus far been a rather untapped franchise.

VHS reviews: Action Jackson

Title: Action Jackson [1988]
Starring: Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson, Vanity, Sharon Stone
Plot: Tough but urbane urban cop Jericho "Action" Jackson must discover who is trying to kill members of the auto union hierarchy. Could it be psychotic automobile magnate Peter Dellaplane? I'm not telling, but yes. Yes it is.
Cost: As part of a box of VHS movies at a garage sale last Fall. Aprox .50
Fun VHS curiosity: This is a 1998 release. By that time supporting player Sharon Stone had become an A list actress, and her image has been blown up and added as the backdrop on the cover art.

"Action Jackson" is a film that I've somehow managed to avoid lo these twenty one years. I may have seen a bit here and there over the years, but going in I had no foreknowledge of the plot [Chuckle-chuckle]. All I knew was that there was Action and Jackson, and in this case they are one and the same.

"Action Jackson" is standard 80's action fare. Lots of guns, lots of girls and not much plot. Though it's rated R, I was still taken aback at how violent the film is. It's not particularly graphic, but it's filled with lots of point blank gunfire and the body count is pretty high. And it's got the requisite 80's female nudity; A topless Vanity, and a topless and rear shot of Sharon Stone somewhat obscured in a steamy room. I've seen boobies before [Though not Vanity's] so it's nothing new, but always a nice surprise.

"Action Jackson" tries to be an action comedy, but where as films like "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Lethal Weapon" seamlessly blend action and humor, "AJ" clumsily injects it as a sorbet in between the violence.

But while the script may be weak, the acting is fairly strong. Weathers is a charismatic action lead who shows a deft comic touch. He adds a real quirky humor to his obvious physical assets. Craig T. Nelson eschews the typically hammy bad guy with an icy calm performance. Though the film's attempts to make him physically menacing are absurd, he is utterly believable as the cold blooded Dellaplane. The most surprising performance came from singer turned actress Vanity. Nothing more than a mannequin three years earlier in "The Last Dragon", she's very good as Dellaplane's junky singer mistress.

The supporting cast are fantastic, with Weather's "Predator" co-star Bill Duke giving us a fresh take on the harried police chief, Robert Davi in a great performance as an edgy contact, Thomas Wilson [Biff from "Back to the future"] as a wise ass cop, and gravel voiced Chino "Fats" Williams as former boxer Kid Sable.

The movie is pure absurdity, and though the action is loud it's not very compelling. Add in a dull plot and an amateurish script and you should have a giant turkey. However, the cast are all so game that through sheer force of will they drag you along, keep you interested and entertain you just enough to make it worth your time.

I give it five and a half "Bee kind, rewind" bees out of ten.

VHS reviews: Encino Man

Title: Encino Man [1991]
Starring: Sean Astin, Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser
Plot: Two losers dig up a frozen caveman. When he unthaws, havoc ensues and the pair go along for the ride.
Cost: $1.00 at used video store
Fun VHS curiosity: The back of the box encourages you to read “Encino High: Stoney’s notebook”.

I remember renting ‘Encino Man’ back when it first hit video. It’s impact on me was like that of Indian food; quick through the system and with the same end result.

Having given it the proper eighteen year breathing room, I popped my new-used copy of ‘Encino Man’ into that wayback machine know as the VCR and headed for the 90’s bud-dy.

This movie is dumb, but in this case that’s not a bad thing. In terms of attitude and style it would make a great double feature with either of the ‘Wayne’s World’ or ‘Bill & Ted’ films. [Though it’s not as subtly intelligent as either of those films or their sequels]. ‘Encino Man’ is a movie that is basically everything that it aspires to be. It’s a vehicle for then MTV star Pauly Shore, who essentially plays his “Weasel” persona, complete with catchphrases. Your ultimate opinion of this movie may rest in your opinion of Shore himself. If you find his trippie hippie shtick amusing, then you may enjoy this movie on a brain dead level. If you don’t, you’re in for a long 88 minutes. It’s a teen comedy about losers who want to be popular, guys who pine for girls who in real life would never speak to them and about bullies getting their comeuppance. That’s it, besides a tacit lesson on “being yourself”.

Sean Astin plays a very tough to like character. Until the very end, he never exhibits any qualities that make him someone you want to root for. Shore is actually better than I was expecting. He gives a likeable performance well inside his comfort zone, but in his few “dramatic” scenes he performs admirably. The real stand out is then unknown Brendan Fraser. Though most of his lines are essentially grunts or single words, the lanky actor gives an impressive physical performance.

The script and story are quite weak, forcing the movie to rely on it’s premise and the talents of Fraser and, to a lesser extent, Shore. And the final act is really rushed, robbing it of both it’s comedic and dramatic potential.

Overall ‘Encino Man’ is a harmless little comedy with a few laughs and a bit of early 90’s nostalgia.

I give it five “Bee kind, rewind” bees out of ten.

Timidly going where many men have gone before

Anyone who knows me knows that my “Star” of preference is of the “Wars” variety. Still, I consider my self a somewhat more than casual, but far less than dedicated,... whatever “Star Trek” fans call themselves. Virgins I suppose. A joke. A cheap one, sure but those are my favorite kind. Relax, you’re among friends here. I love the dedication of “Trek” fans and how they often defy the labels put on them.

Ever since the box office failure of “Star Trek: Nemesis” and the troubled run of “Enterprise”, the “Trek” franchise has been on the ropes. It’s place in pop culture history more than secure, it was still on the verge of becoming irrelevant to today’s generation. Enter: J.J. Abrams.

His “Star Trek”, a re-boot of the saga, opens Friday. Though I was fairly skeptical at first, the increasingly awesome trailers and advanced buzz have me on the bandwagon. Can the new “Trek” make the franchise relevant again? Time will tell.

Before catching an opening day matinee, I thought it’d be fun to take a look back at the first ten “Star Trek” films with my world famous one paragraph reviews. Warp 5 Mr. Crusher. Engage!


STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979)

The “Trek” saga’s transition to the big screen is a bloated dud. Nothing about it really captures the spirit of the series. From the bland, pastel costumes to the flat and emotionless characterizations, it feels more like “2001” lite. A potentially interesting plot [about an old Earth probe gaining sentience] is squandered with a leaden script. The highlight is the late, great Jerry Goldsmith’s fantastic score.

4.5/10

STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN (1982)

Hands down the best work to ever carry the “Star Trek” label. “Khan” returns the franchise to it’s roots. Everything here is top notch, from the crackling script, to the direction to the performances, this is “Trek” at it’s most compelling. Back is all of the warmth, humor and daring do that made the original series such a classic. And James Horner’s score is a masterpiece.

10/10

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (1984)

Spock himself, Leonard Nimoy, takes the helm of this third installment. Picking up right where “Khan” left off, “Search for Spock” is a solid follow up and a fine feature directorial debut from Nimoy. At times it feels like it’s covering the beats of “Khan” a bit too closely, but that’s to be expected after the resounding success of the latter. I find Christopher Lloyd’s Klingon villain a bit over the top and distracting, but it doesn’t take away this worthy entry.

7/10

STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986)

After three films set in the starry confines of outer space, the crew of the Enterprise, now fugitives from Federation justice, embark on a daring time travel adventure to save the future of Earth. “Voyage” is filled with humor, wit and a dash of originality. The film’s message gets a tad heavy handed at times, but not enough to sink this bookend to what I call the “Khan” trilogy.

7.5/10

STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989)

Helmed by the Captain himself, William Shatner, “Frontier” has a few interesting ideas that are wasted in a script lacking, ironically, logic. But despite a derivative and recycled score, shoddy special effects and a weak story, it manages to entertain on a basic level.

5/10

STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991)

This final installment from the classic “Trek” crew is a classy and clever finale. Like it’s aging crew, “Country” moves a bit slower than it’s predecessors but it more than makes up for it with a smart script and expert direction. With it’s blend of clever allegory, mystery and action, the sixth and final screen voyage of the vintage U.S.S. Enterprise crew is not to be missed.

8/10

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (1994)

The “Next Generation” crew make their big screen debut in this beautiful but clunky effort. The script and story are weak [Take out the plot involving members of the old Enterprise crew and you’d have a decent two-part episode of “The Next Generation”], but the film’s biggest problem may be the specter of the previous crew hanging over them. The film never quite feels like it belongs to the new crew, and the attempt to hand of the baton is almost cringe worthy.

5.5/10

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (1996)

The “Next Generation” takes a page from the old “Trek” playbook and brings in their signature foe, the menacing Borg. Helmed by cast member Jonathan Frakes, this is the best entry in the Next-Gen saga by far. The script gives each member of the crew their own little section of turf to call their own [Much as Nimoy’s “Trek” helmed films did]. With wit, humor and tension to spare, “First Contact” takes it’s place in the upper echelon of “Trek” films.

7.5/10

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION (1998)

Small in scope and scale, “Insurrection” never the less manages to entertain. It’s not the most ambitious film, but the plot [Involving the famous “Prime directive”] is an interesting one. Like “Generations” it has a bit more of an episodic two-parter feel, but it accomplishes everything it’s modest ambitions set out to accomplish.

6/10


STAR TREK: NEMESIS (2002)

Muddled, poorly conceived and executed send off of the “Next Generation” crew is a huge let down. Everyone save for Patrick Stewart seems bored here and they’re not alone. Though the end manages to squeeze a few emotions from us, they’re not earned by this film but rather by the previous exploits of the outstanding series and it’s cinematic predecessors.

4/10

The scent of cheapness

Bachelor on a budget 1: Body sprays

This is the first part of what could become a series of posts on how to be a swinging bachelor on a budget. What do I know about this? Absolutely nothing. But when has that ever stopped me before?

We’ve all seen the commercials for “Body sprays” that promise to make you irresistible to women. In them an average looking guy gives himself a few blasts of the potent spray and suddenly he’s being tackled by supermodels. Not bad for under $5.00, right?

I’ve heard a few women dismiss these commercials as sexist, but I have another theory. I believe they were created by women as a way to weed out cheap men. Think about it, thousands upon thousands of cheap-ass guys are essentially wearing scratch and sniff “Hello, I earn minimum wage” tags. Now the discerning female has another weapon in her rejecto-arsenal.

But what about the sprays themselves? Do they really make the ladies crazy or do they simply attract flies? In Part 1 of my series “Bachelor on a budget” I take a look at three prominent body spray lines; AXE, TAG and RGX.

FIELD STUDY

About a year ago I had a crush on a female co-worker. I wanted to try and get her attention with a little spit and polish to the ‘ol image but my wallet was thinner than Nicole Richie on a three month Tic-Tac diet. So what’s a guy to do? Well head to the citadel of cheapness, of course. Wal-Mart. There I was, standing next to another cheap-ass trying to smell the various body sprays without actually spraying them. My fellow skinflint didn’t let a little thing like not having purchased them keep him from tooting each and every spray at least twice. Satisfied, he nodded at me and grabbed a can of AXE “Phoenix” and walked away.

Now I was alone. For ten minutes I sniffed. Finally I settled on can of TAG “All nighter” [mostly because it was a dollar cheaper than AXE]. Plus I thought all-nighter sounded promising. Who doesn’t want an all nighter? Sounds better than "Phoenix". Honestly, who wants to smell like a mythical flaming bird? Did he ever get laid? Doubt it.

After two weeks of wearing "All nighter" I hadn’t once been tackled by any females nor had I had any “All nighters”. I vowed not to be so cheap the next time. I would pony up and get the good stuff. AXE.

I ended up buying a can of AXE “Vice”. I wasn’t sure what a “Vice” was supposed to smell like. Addiction? A device in a wood shop? Don Johnson? Or God forbid... Philip Michael Thomas!? "Vice" ended up being a slightly better choice than "All nighter" [which in retrospect smelled like hand soap from a Waffle house bathroom] but I still wasn’t being attacked by roving bands of horny co-eds.

Because I believe in the Thomas Edison quote “I didn’t fail. I just figured out 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb.”. I vowed to keep trying, even if by the time I was done I could’ve simply bought one bottle of decent cologne, damn it I was going to find a good smelling body spray. I wouldn’t have to try 997 more times.

I used Google for something other than looking up free porn and discovered that of the few [female] people who had posted opinions on body sprays, most preferred one by AXE called “Kilo”. Kilo. Vice. Does anybody see a pattern here? I didn’t know AXE was manufactured in Columbia. Anyway, I went straight to Wally World and picked up a can of "Kilo". I brought it home and killed a little of the ozone layer [so 1980’s anyway] and lo and behold it smelled... good. Darn good. Not at all like the others I had tried. With great excitement I began wearing it to work and while the tackling super models never came, the compliments on how I smelled did. Yes even from the girl I had a crush on, but she claimed it was my laundry detergent. And no, she and I never hooked up. Yeah that’s what I’m guessing too. Probably a lesbian.

I wore "Kilo" for the next 6 months or so [going through about a can a month] before burning out on it. For the next few months I tried almost every scent across the AXE line with no success. Finally a two for one deal at Wal-Mart convinced me to give RGX a try and what a revelation. I got a combination of “Rush” and “Chill”. Unlike AXE and TAG, which smell really nothing like cologne and every bit like what they are, these RGX scents mimic the clean, crisp colognes like “Polo Sport” and “Cool Water”. Now I’m not saying they smell like them, but they’re more reminiscent of them. And they’re almost a dollar cheaper than AXE.

A REVIEW

TAG: I only tried “All nighter”. It has a phony, cheap tang to it that promises that you won’t be getting any phony, cheap tang from it. - RATING: 1.5/4

AXE: AXE [called Lynx in the U.K.] is probably the most well known of the body sprays and it does offer a few decent options.

“Kilo” If you’re going to buy AXE, this is the one to get. It worked quite well for a friend of mine. - RATING: 3/4

“Vice” Sort of at the opposite end of the spectrum, smell-wise from “Kilo”, it’s not a bad choice though it does have a high school vibe to it. – RATING: 2.5/4

“Phoenix”, “Tsunami” and “Essence” All are lesser versions of “Vice”. Better than B.O., but they aint gettin’ ya laid unless you’re a high school sophomore, and even then she’s not going to be the head cheerleader. – RATING: 2/4

“Vetyver” This is a newer line from AXE called “Proximity” that promises a more subtle fragrance. Vetyver at least delivers that, though it smells a bit too much like the inside of a new car. - RATING: 2/4

RXG: Both “Chill” and “Rush” have similar scents, but “Rush” has a bit more of a spicy kick. Of the two I prefer “Chill” just a tad more, though both are very good for what they are. RATING: 3/4

There are at least two other body sprays you will encounter on the market; BOD MAN and one made by OLD SPICE. I’ve never tried them so I can’t comment on their worthiness, however in the case of BOD MAN the packaging is... well, judge for your self.

http://www.parfumsdecoeur.com/Catalog.aspx?SC=174

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

- Like cologne, the scent doesn’t last all day. AXE makes “bullets”, or mini sprays that fit nicely in your pocket. If you have a locker at work or have a long evening planned, take the bottle with you so you can refresh after a few hours.

- These sprays are nice for guys on a budget. Unless you’re a corporate exec, most women won’t expect you to be wearing a $100 dollar a bottle cologne at the grocery. They just want you to smell clean. If you’re under the age of 20, they’re fine for dates and the like but for the rest of us don’t wear them on a fist date.

- If you’re over 40, you might not be able to get away with wearing AXE. Heck, even 30 is pushing it. RGX is acceptable right on up through the Depends years. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Wilford Brimley pimping this stuff in an AARP print ad some day soon.

THE COMMERCIALS

These body sprays are mostly known for their commercials, all of which promise that hot chicks will not be able to keep their hands off of you.

AXE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgxxAwue7Fs

TAG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws87MmTlIz8

RGX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt6s7EqSEr4

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Happy hunting, bachelors