Timidly going where many men have gone before

Anyone who knows me knows that my “Star” of preference is of the “Wars” variety. Still, I consider my self a somewhat more than casual, but far less than dedicated,... whatever “Star Trek” fans call themselves. Virgins I suppose. A joke. A cheap one, sure but those are my favorite kind. Relax, you’re among friends here. I love the dedication of “Trek” fans and how they often defy the labels put on them.

Ever since the box office failure of “Star Trek: Nemesis” and the troubled run of “Enterprise”, the “Trek” franchise has been on the ropes. It’s place in pop culture history more than secure, it was still on the verge of becoming irrelevant to today’s generation. Enter: J.J. Abrams.

His “Star Trek”, a re-boot of the saga, opens Friday. Though I was fairly skeptical at first, the increasingly awesome trailers and advanced buzz have me on the bandwagon. Can the new “Trek” make the franchise relevant again? Time will tell.

Before catching an opening day matinee, I thought it’d be fun to take a look back at the first ten “Star Trek” films with my world famous one paragraph reviews. Warp 5 Mr. Crusher. Engage!


STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979)

The “Trek” saga’s transition to the big screen is a bloated dud. Nothing about it really captures the spirit of the series. From the bland, pastel costumes to the flat and emotionless characterizations, it feels more like “2001” lite. A potentially interesting plot [about an old Earth probe gaining sentience] is squandered with a leaden script. The highlight is the late, great Jerry Goldsmith’s fantastic score.

4.5/10

STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN (1982)

Hands down the best work to ever carry the “Star Trek” label. “Khan” returns the franchise to it’s roots. Everything here is top notch, from the crackling script, to the direction to the performances, this is “Trek” at it’s most compelling. Back is all of the warmth, humor and daring do that made the original series such a classic. And James Horner’s score is a masterpiece.

10/10

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (1984)

Spock himself, Leonard Nimoy, takes the helm of this third installment. Picking up right where “Khan” left off, “Search for Spock” is a solid follow up and a fine feature directorial debut from Nimoy. At times it feels like it’s covering the beats of “Khan” a bit too closely, but that’s to be expected after the resounding success of the latter. I find Christopher Lloyd’s Klingon villain a bit over the top and distracting, but it doesn’t take away this worthy entry.

7/10

STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986)

After three films set in the starry confines of outer space, the crew of the Enterprise, now fugitives from Federation justice, embark on a daring time travel adventure to save the future of Earth. “Voyage” is filled with humor, wit and a dash of originality. The film’s message gets a tad heavy handed at times, but not enough to sink this bookend to what I call the “Khan” trilogy.

7.5/10

STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989)

Helmed by the Captain himself, William Shatner, “Frontier” has a few interesting ideas that are wasted in a script lacking, ironically, logic. But despite a derivative and recycled score, shoddy special effects and a weak story, it manages to entertain on a basic level.

5/10

STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991)

This final installment from the classic “Trek” crew is a classy and clever finale. Like it’s aging crew, “Country” moves a bit slower than it’s predecessors but it more than makes up for it with a smart script and expert direction. With it’s blend of clever allegory, mystery and action, the sixth and final screen voyage of the vintage U.S.S. Enterprise crew is not to be missed.

8/10

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (1994)

The “Next Generation” crew make their big screen debut in this beautiful but clunky effort. The script and story are weak [Take out the plot involving members of the old Enterprise crew and you’d have a decent two-part episode of “The Next Generation”], but the film’s biggest problem may be the specter of the previous crew hanging over them. The film never quite feels like it belongs to the new crew, and the attempt to hand of the baton is almost cringe worthy.

5.5/10

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (1996)

The “Next Generation” takes a page from the old “Trek” playbook and brings in their signature foe, the menacing Borg. Helmed by cast member Jonathan Frakes, this is the best entry in the Next-Gen saga by far. The script gives each member of the crew their own little section of turf to call their own [Much as Nimoy’s “Trek” helmed films did]. With wit, humor and tension to spare, “First Contact” takes it’s place in the upper echelon of “Trek” films.

7.5/10

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION (1998)

Small in scope and scale, “Insurrection” never the less manages to entertain. It’s not the most ambitious film, but the plot [Involving the famous “Prime directive”] is an interesting one. Like “Generations” it has a bit more of an episodic two-parter feel, but it accomplishes everything it’s modest ambitions set out to accomplish.

6/10


STAR TREK: NEMESIS (2002)

Muddled, poorly conceived and executed send off of the “Next Generation” crew is a huge let down. Everyone save for Patrick Stewart seems bored here and they’re not alone. Though the end manages to squeeze a few emotions from us, they’re not earned by this film but rather by the previous exploits of the outstanding series and it’s cinematic predecessors.

4/10

The scent of cheapness

Bachelor on a budget 1: Body sprays

This is the first part of what could become a series of posts on how to be a swinging bachelor on a budget. What do I know about this? Absolutely nothing. But when has that ever stopped me before?

We’ve all seen the commercials for “Body sprays” that promise to make you irresistible to women. In them an average looking guy gives himself a few blasts of the potent spray and suddenly he’s being tackled by supermodels. Not bad for under $5.00, right?

I’ve heard a few women dismiss these commercials as sexist, but I have another theory. I believe they were created by women as a way to weed out cheap men. Think about it, thousands upon thousands of cheap-ass guys are essentially wearing scratch and sniff “Hello, I earn minimum wage” tags. Now the discerning female has another weapon in her rejecto-arsenal.

But what about the sprays themselves? Do they really make the ladies crazy or do they simply attract flies? In Part 1 of my series “Bachelor on a budget” I take a look at three prominent body spray lines; AXE, TAG and RGX.

FIELD STUDY

About a year ago I had a crush on a female co-worker. I wanted to try and get her attention with a little spit and polish to the ‘ol image but my wallet was thinner than Nicole Richie on a three month Tic-Tac diet. So what’s a guy to do? Well head to the citadel of cheapness, of course. Wal-Mart. There I was, standing next to another cheap-ass trying to smell the various body sprays without actually spraying them. My fellow skinflint didn’t let a little thing like not having purchased them keep him from tooting each and every spray at least twice. Satisfied, he nodded at me and grabbed a can of AXE “Phoenix” and walked away.

Now I was alone. For ten minutes I sniffed. Finally I settled on can of TAG “All nighter” [mostly because it was a dollar cheaper than AXE]. Plus I thought all-nighter sounded promising. Who doesn’t want an all nighter? Sounds better than "Phoenix". Honestly, who wants to smell like a mythical flaming bird? Did he ever get laid? Doubt it.

After two weeks of wearing "All nighter" I hadn’t once been tackled by any females nor had I had any “All nighters”. I vowed not to be so cheap the next time. I would pony up and get the good stuff. AXE.

I ended up buying a can of AXE “Vice”. I wasn’t sure what a “Vice” was supposed to smell like. Addiction? A device in a wood shop? Don Johnson? Or God forbid... Philip Michael Thomas!? "Vice" ended up being a slightly better choice than "All nighter" [which in retrospect smelled like hand soap from a Waffle house bathroom] but I still wasn’t being attacked by roving bands of horny co-eds.

Because I believe in the Thomas Edison quote “I didn’t fail. I just figured out 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb.”. I vowed to keep trying, even if by the time I was done I could’ve simply bought one bottle of decent cologne, damn it I was going to find a good smelling body spray. I wouldn’t have to try 997 more times.

I used Google for something other than looking up free porn and discovered that of the few [female] people who had posted opinions on body sprays, most preferred one by AXE called “Kilo”. Kilo. Vice. Does anybody see a pattern here? I didn’t know AXE was manufactured in Columbia. Anyway, I went straight to Wally World and picked up a can of "Kilo". I brought it home and killed a little of the ozone layer [so 1980’s anyway] and lo and behold it smelled... good. Darn good. Not at all like the others I had tried. With great excitement I began wearing it to work and while the tackling super models never came, the compliments on how I smelled did. Yes even from the girl I had a crush on, but she claimed it was my laundry detergent. And no, she and I never hooked up. Yeah that’s what I’m guessing too. Probably a lesbian.

I wore "Kilo" for the next 6 months or so [going through about a can a month] before burning out on it. For the next few months I tried almost every scent across the AXE line with no success. Finally a two for one deal at Wal-Mart convinced me to give RGX a try and what a revelation. I got a combination of “Rush” and “Chill”. Unlike AXE and TAG, which smell really nothing like cologne and every bit like what they are, these RGX scents mimic the clean, crisp colognes like “Polo Sport” and “Cool Water”. Now I’m not saying they smell like them, but they’re more reminiscent of them. And they’re almost a dollar cheaper than AXE.

A REVIEW

TAG: I only tried “All nighter”. It has a phony, cheap tang to it that promises that you won’t be getting any phony, cheap tang from it. - RATING: 1.5/4

AXE: AXE [called Lynx in the U.K.] is probably the most well known of the body sprays and it does offer a few decent options.

“Kilo” If you’re going to buy AXE, this is the one to get. It worked quite well for a friend of mine. - RATING: 3/4

“Vice” Sort of at the opposite end of the spectrum, smell-wise from “Kilo”, it’s not a bad choice though it does have a high school vibe to it. – RATING: 2.5/4

“Phoenix”, “Tsunami” and “Essence” All are lesser versions of “Vice”. Better than B.O., but they aint gettin’ ya laid unless you’re a high school sophomore, and even then she’s not going to be the head cheerleader. – RATING: 2/4

“Vetyver” This is a newer line from AXE called “Proximity” that promises a more subtle fragrance. Vetyver at least delivers that, though it smells a bit too much like the inside of a new car. - RATING: 2/4

RXG: Both “Chill” and “Rush” have similar scents, but “Rush” has a bit more of a spicy kick. Of the two I prefer “Chill” just a tad more, though both are very good for what they are. RATING: 3/4

There are at least two other body sprays you will encounter on the market; BOD MAN and one made by OLD SPICE. I’ve never tried them so I can’t comment on their worthiness, however in the case of BOD MAN the packaging is... well, judge for your self.

http://www.parfumsdecoeur.com/Catalog.aspx?SC=174

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

- Like cologne, the scent doesn’t last all day. AXE makes “bullets”, or mini sprays that fit nicely in your pocket. If you have a locker at work or have a long evening planned, take the bottle with you so you can refresh after a few hours.

- These sprays are nice for guys on a budget. Unless you’re a corporate exec, most women won’t expect you to be wearing a $100 dollar a bottle cologne at the grocery. They just want you to smell clean. If you’re under the age of 20, they’re fine for dates and the like but for the rest of us don’t wear them on a fist date.

- If you’re over 40, you might not be able to get away with wearing AXE. Heck, even 30 is pushing it. RGX is acceptable right on up through the Depends years. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Wilford Brimley pimping this stuff in an AARP print ad some day soon.

THE COMMERCIALS

These body sprays are mostly known for their commercials, all of which promise that hot chicks will not be able to keep their hands off of you.

AXE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgxxAwue7Fs

TAG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws87MmTlIz8

RGX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt6s7EqSEr4

-
Happy hunting, bachelors

Battle of the "Slasher" icons!

With Halloween right around the corner, I thought that it would be fun [fun may be a poor choice of words] to choose the ultimate movie “Slasher”. I guess I could’ve used scientific criteria such as box office totals and opinion polls or anecdotal evidence such as cultural impact but that would require research.

JASON VS FREDDY VS MICHAEL

NAME

JASON VORHEES: Jason = Not scary. Voorhees = Scarier than a picture of Wilford Brimley tea bagging Bea Arthur

-

FREDDY KRUEGER: Sounds like a German male stripper

MICHAEL MYERS: Conjures up images of pale Canadian Comedians

ADVANTAGE: JASON – While German strippers are scary, and Mike Meyers last few movies were horr[or]ible the name Voorhees alone makes me shit my pants

LOOK

JASON: Hockey goalie meets Jiffy Lube attendant

FREDDY: Burnt hot dog dressed like a homeless man

MICHAEL: Albino William Shatner meets Jiffy Lube attendant

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – The only thing scarier than a Jiffy Lube attendant [Seriously, who knows what they’re doing under there?] is a Jiffy Lube attendant with William Shatner’s head

PERSONALITY

JASON: The strong silent type

FREDDY: Game show host

MICHAEL: The strong silent type

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – Everyone can agree that game show hosts are terrifying. Have you ever watched ‘Deal or no deal’?

WEAPON OF CHOICE

JASON: Machete

FREDDY: Claw-glove

MICHAEL: Kitchen knife

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – It was close between the glove and Jason’s machete but something about the latter made me feel Jason was compensating for something

HOME FIELD

JASON: Woodsy Camp Crystal lake

FREDDY: Suburban Springwood, Ohio

MICHAEL: Suburban Haddonfield, Illinois

ADVANTAGE: JASON – Sure suburban Ohio can be a little scary [Trust me, I know] but Jason’s turf doesn’t have indoor plumbing

BACK STORY

JASON: Mentally challenged, inbred forest dweller with Mommy issues

FREDDY: Bastard son of a thousand maniacs who grows up to become a child molesting factory worker

MICHAEL: Soulless, black-eyed vessel of pure evil with Sister issues

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – Hard to top a cute little kid who one day suddenly snaps and becomes a mass murderer

And the winner is...


A 3-way tie!

Truth be told, I could’ve broken the tie but I don’t want any of these dudes showing up at my house tonight!

Happy Halloween!

Revisiting 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

It seems like it was only last week that I was walking out of the six o'clock showing of Indiana Jones' long awaited fourth adventure. In reality it was almost five months ago; May 22nd [My birthday]. That evening, as I got into my car, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. I guess seeing the return of one of the real significant icons of my youth combined with turning thirty four just made me pensive. Naturally I wrote a review for this blog, and the first draft was much different than the one I ultimately posted. It was full of big themes and deep thoughts [or at least as deep as I'm capable of]. I ended up giving the movie a very mixed review, and a 6.5/10 rating

http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2008/05/indiana-jones-kingdom-of-crystal-skull.html.

As the months passed, I debated; did I rate the film too high based on nostalgia and my love for the character or were my expectations too high and thus the film underrated. Having now re-watched it, I can say that it's the former. It's not without it's moments, but they're undone by a bad script, a plodding pace and too much cheap computer wizardry.

So what went wrong? I don't have the desire to beat up on Lucas and Spielberg anymore [especially after what 'South Park' did to them] so instead I'll tell you what I would've done differently. And yeah, I know it's easy to Monday morning quarterback. This is a friendly critique from someone who has loved this character for 27 years.

HOW DO YOU FIX INDY? JUST ADD A LITTLE 'KHAN'

While I was re-watching 'KOTCS', it hit me that it was very similar in it's basic dynamics to 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'. In that movie, an aging James Kirk has given up a life of adventure for life behind a desk because that's what society has told him he should do. Of course he's miserable. In the midst of this mid life crisis, he's called into back action. Before long he meets his old flame, Carol Marcus. She was the love of his life, but he chose duty and adventure instead. He is also introduced to a young man, later revealed to be his son. Kirk sees the life he could have had. Now he feels old and alone. Add into the mix an enemy from his past and the death of a close friend and you have all the depth and pathos needed for a stirring story.

In my opinion, 'WOK' should've served as the template for 'KOTCS'. While the latter dealt with those issues, it did so superficially. Yes Mutt makes a few jokes about Indy's age, and Indy and Stanforth talk about "reaching a point where life stops giving you things and starts taking them away" but it's all fluff. What should've been the driving force of the story [along with the relationship with his son and Marion] are nothing more than gags.

With that said, here's what I would've done. The object or "McGuffin" is less important to me here than the story around it; much like the Holy Grail was in 'The Last Crusade'. I didn't mind the Crystal Skulls and in fact I think they could've been a great McGuffin. They just needed a better script and story around them.

So, without further ado...

-- Begin with the obligatory opening prologue/action sequence. Here Indy finds himself outmatched by a much younger rival. Someone who reminds him of his younger self, only without the ethics [think Belloq, but more handy with his fists]. The younger man takes the prize and Indy limps home, defeated.

-- When he arrives, he finds that his dear friend Marcus Brody has died. Coupled with his recent defeat, Indy begins to feel his best days are behind him.

-- A young man approaches Indy after Brody's funeral. The young stranger tries to entice Indy to aid him find [insert McGuffin here]. Indy tells the kid he's not interested. The kid then drops the bombshell. I'm your son and Marion has been captured by those seeking the McGuffin.

-- Indy agrees to help the kid and they set off. The two are as different as they can be. The younger man is more like the grandfather he never knew. Studious. Serious. Thoughtful. The two clash. Indy continues to doubt himself and soon they realize that they are in a race against Indy's younger rival with the Soviets in tow.

-- Indy and his son find and rescue Marion in the middle of the second act. This allows more time for them to reconcile their feelings in an adult fashion rather than through painfully bad quips in the middle of action sequences.

-- In the end, Indy must confront his doubts and in the process re-discovers his mojo, earns the love and respect of his son and rides off into the sunset with his girl.

THE END?

There have been rumblings recently that Lucas is in "think mode" for 'Indy V'. If it happens [and in despite all I've said, I hope it does] much of what I've proposed is useless. The only theme that is still relevant is aging and being bested by a younger rival. It's still a strong starting point in my opinion. Regardless of what they do, I'll be there with my popcorn and hoping for the best.

Pop farts 3: Silent but deadly

Nothing in the world of pop culture really caught my eye, so it's all reviews this week. A movie, a CD and a book! Hold your nose and read on...

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

'Vision quest' - I'd seen bits and pieces of this 1986 Matthew Modine wrestling opus before, but never the whole thing at once. It's a pretty standard 80's teen sports flick. Young high school wrestler Louden Swain [Modine] wants to drop down in weight so that he can face off against the state's best wrestler. Nobody understands why he wants to do this [if they did, we'd have no movie]. Heck, even Louden really doesn't know why. He's on an Odyssey. A Vision quest if you will. But a beautiful monkey wrench threatens to foul up Louden's plans when a young artist [Linda Fiorentino] ends up staying with Louden and his father [the underused Ronny Cox]. He [of course] falls head over Asics for her but she is resistant. Could it be because she's 21 and he's only 18? Or maybe it's because Louden is a freaking whack job. That's the biggest problem with the whole movie. Our central character/hero is painfully annoying. It's impossible to believe that Fiorentino's character would fall for him. The film does have some positives, including a solid 80's soundtrack and some really interesting side characters, but it's all undone by a hero that's tough to root for. - 5.5/10

NEW MUSIC

'The block' - The fact that I fancy myself a bit of a New Kids on the block fan is already out of the bag, so what the heck. I picked up their new album "The block" this week and I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. The "Kids" enlisted quite an A list of talent [Akon, Ne-Yo, Lady GaGa, New Edition and the Pussycat Dolls] and the result is an album that sounds contemporary in the best sense of the word. The one complaint I would have is that the dance oriented album lacks a nice power ballad. Otherwise it's top drawer stuff. Highlights include "Click click click", "Big girl now", "Summertime", "Dirty dancing", "Full service" & "Put it on my tab". Welcome back, gentelmen. Well done. - 8/10

The video for "Summertime"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25qiZy7vmqY

"Click click click"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR8Ef3Cj4Tw

BOOK REVIEW

'The Force unleashed' - Lucasfilm tries out yet another multi-media release stunt and this time succeeds. Sean Williams' 'The Force unleashed' is one of the best examples of Star Wars "Expanded universe" that I've ever read. The plot [which takes place in the years between Episodes III & IV] ] involves Darth Vader's "secret apprentice". He is trained to eliminate enemies of the Empire, which now include rogue Jedi. Along with Juno Eclipse, a beautiful female Imperial pilot, and his faithful droid, PROXY, he sets off on his mission to eliminate famed Jedi Rahm Kota. But that's only the beginning. Interesting, if not unique, gimmick by showing much of the story from the point of view of the "bad guy". Hype aside, it's a good read and a solid addition to the increasingly bloated Star Wars canon. - 8/10