Does Masters of the universe: The movie, have the power?

After a bit of a break it’s back to ‘Project rewind’. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, please read the post ‘Mac and me... and me.’ to get up to speed.

OK, confession time. When I was 14, I once used my telescope to watch this hot girl a few houses down wash her car in her bikini... OK, twice... How many weeks would you say are in a Summer break, twelve? OK, twelve times. Whew, I feel better. Oh, I have another confession too. I actually watched ‘Masters of the universe’ last Summer sometime. In fact, it’s sort of what sparked this whole thing. I tell you this because some of the details are fuzzy, so the format of this review will be a little different than usual.

The quest for He-Man

This is the point where I tell you how I found the copy of whatever movie it is I’m reviewing. Since I don’t really remember the details, I’ll make something up.

I reserved the movie at my local library and drove to pick it up in my Ferrari. Upon arrival, I was attacked by a gang of Ninjas! I fought them off using the awesome power of Drunken monkey Kung-Fu, then went inside. After picking up the movie, I ran into Jennifer Love Hewitt, who invited me back to her place where we eventually watched the movie... If you know what I mean. No, He-Man, I think it is I who have the power.

A little background

I was a huge fan of Masters of the universe as a kid. I remember my friend Jason coming over with Beastman and Stratos and thinking they were the coolest things I’d ever seen. Hey, I was nine.

The comic books that came with the figures and the artwork on the boxes painted a dark and dangerous world that He-Man inhabited. It was sort of like a cross between Conan the Barbarian and Star Wars. The cartoon shot this all to heck a when it debuted a few months later though. It was more of a cross between Conan the Barbarian and My little pony. Still, I loved it and continue to to this day. I still get goose bumps when Prince Adam transforms into He-Man. I know, I’ve placed an order for a life. It should be here in a few weeks.

The live action Masters of the universe movie came out in 1987, a full two years after the whole He-Man phenomenon had died down. To be honest I don’t know if I didn’t go see it because I was over He-Man at that stage or if I was indignant over the liberties it appeared to take with the story. I do know my friend Charlie saw it and when I asked him how it was his response was simply “Awful.”. I did see Robocop that summer though. Awesome movie.

Over the years, for whatever reason, I simply never sought out this movie. Heck, I even came across it on TV several times but never watched it for more than a few minutes. The main novelty was that it starred Ivan Drago and that girl from friends. Now that I finally had the DVD in my hands, I was actually pretty excited to watch it.

By the power of numbskull!

Once in a generation a film comes along that changes our expectations, broadens our perceptions and ignites our collective imagination... Sadly, this isn’t that film. That’s not to say it’s bad though.

As you probably know, MOTU: The movie spends only the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes of the movie in Eternia (Which looks strangely like a California desert)... The rest it spends here on earth in that ever exotic setting of Anywtown, USA. Now, I love Anytown, USA, but when you put guys in crazy costumes in a real world setting it sort of makes it hard to keep the illusion up. This and the fact that it ignores so much He-Man canon like the significance of the Power sword, it's ties to Castle Grayskull, He-Man's alter ego Adam, Cringer/Battlecat, and Orko has made it a pariah to He-Man fans. I understand this, and I agree it's really not a great He-Man movie but it is an OK action/adventure film.

To fully enjoy MOTU: The movie, you have to divorce it completely from the cartoon. Forget about the fact that it leaves out characters, ignores or short shrifts locations and changes canon. If you can just pretend that the cartoon doesn’t exist, and judge it solely on it’s own merit I think you’ll find that it’s an adequate 80’s action/adventure movie. Below Conan the Barbarian, but above Red Sonja.

I actually re-watched it a few days later with the commentary track on (I know, I was shocked there was a commentary track too) It’s clear that the director was working under some enormous restraints. It seems he really did want to make a movie that more resembled the cartoon, but the budget wouldn’t allow it. In fact, I think the film company actually declared bankruptcy before filming ended. Ouch.

If it’s good enough for Courtney Cox...

Virtually every time Courtney Cox came on screen I started singing that annoying theme song from Friends. I actually don’t know the words, so I just made them up. “Your parrot died, your cat got fried, your hamster’s M-I-A-AAAAAAAA!!!”.

After an hour and a half of that, I started to think “Hey, maybe the rest of the cast of Friends could star in their own live-action adaptations of 70’s/80’s cartoons or toy lines.” Let’s face it, it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do right about now.

Matthew Perry – It’s too bad there was never a cartoon called “Fluctuating-weight-drug-rehab-man.”, he’d have been ideal. Still, that elasticity has to count for something. Let's say Plasticman.

Matt Leblanc – Would make an perfect Bizzaro Superman or Solomon Grundy from Super friends.

David Schwimmer – This man was born to play Huckleberry hound.

Jennifer Anniston – Normally I’d say Skeletor, but they’ve already made that movie. Then I thought about Scooby doo, but again they’ve already done that too. Then it hit me, Thundercats!... Yep, she’d make a perfect Snarf.

Lisa Kudrow – I’m thinking “Barbie: The menopause years”.

OK, I just read that last part and realized it was pretty mean spirited and that's not what I'm about here. On the other hand I couldn't bring myself to delete it.

What I liked

Good score by Bill Conti

Frank Langella makes a good Skeletor, even if his costume and make-up are all wrong

Dolph Lungren makes a decent He-Man... When he doesn't have to speak

What I didn't like

He-Man canon just tossed aside

Could have done without the drama surrounding Courtney Cox's parents

The bottom line

Poor He-Man movie, decent action movie. 6/10... Now, if you'll excuse me, Jennifer and I are going to go for a spin in my Ferrari.