‘Rage’ against the (video) machine

This time I combine a little ‘Ninja-mania’ with ‘Project Re-wind’ as I present the 1987 movie ‘Rage of Honor’ starring Sho Kosugi.

I could swear that I’d seen ‘Rage of honor’ before, but it turns out I had it confused with another Kosugi classic, ‘Pray for death’ (Which aside from Ninjas, killing and vengeance has nothing in common with ‘Rage of honor’ at all).

Tracking down a Ninja

Ha! Some Ninja. It took me about five minutes to find ‘Rage of honor’ in the library data-base. So far, I am not impressed with your skills, Mr. Kosugi!

Ninja! Ninja -- crap!

Fist off, if you get the above title you’re either a fan of ‘Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles II: The secret of the Ooze’ or Vanilla Ice. Either way, shame on you.

The basic plot of ‘Rage of honor’ involves a ‘U.S. Drug investigation bureau’ agent named Shiro (Kosuigi) who... Wait, ‘U.S. Drug investigation bureau’? That has to be the single worst fake agency in movie history... anyway, busts some yuppie coke heads on a boat somewhere in South America, I think. Honestly between the awful 80’s synth-pop song during the opening credits and the following scene where Shiro throws a Chinese star from a moving boat, against a stiff wind, and hits his target, I kinda zoned out for a few minutes. It wouldn’t be the last time.

Shiro heads back to the States (Arizona of course, where all major American law enforcement agencies are stationed) for a little R&R with his girlfriend... the type of dizzy, semi-attractive blonde girl that tended to get kidnapped in movies and video games in the 80’s. Dressed nattily in his tux and white silk scarf, Shiro is called away from dinner by his partner, who is nosing around a warehouse for some reason. I can’t remember and I didn’t write it down. It’s not important. What is important is that he’s caught, tortured and killed by a Dennis Miller circa 1988 look-a-like. Shiro shows up, dodges, flips and rolls a lot (Without losing his scarf!) and finds his partner dead. Since Shiro (And Kosugi) has only two emotions you can guess what comes next... Yep, a rage... of honor!

In true movie cop fashion, Shiro is warned not to seek revenge, quits and then sets off to seek said revenge anyway. He heads down to South America (And by that I mean the continent, not say Texas or something) and for reasons unknown he takes his girlfriend along. I guess he didn’t want to ‘rage’ alone. From here on folks the “plot” is a blank. I mean, I watched it and wrote down pertinent information, but when at one stage Shiro comes into possession of an important disk (An old school floppy!) it hit me that I had no clue what was going on in this movie. Everyone in the world was suddenly after this freaking disk and I had no idea why. Is it bad storytelling or just a good sedative? Maybe a little of both.

Okay, time to hit the FF button on this review. The girl is kidnapped (or maybe hijacked) and this sends Shiro into an even ragier rage... of honor! Shiro fights, and fights, and fights some more. He even fights the Dennis Miller look-a-like twice. I was so numb at the end that I honestly lost track of what happened to the girl and I didn’t care enough to re-wind back and find out.... apparently neither did Shiro. After offing the Dennis Miller look-a-like, and with his rage of honor fulfilled, the film cuts to the credits.

(For this review I put a little Kosugi spin on the old “What did we learn?” thing)

Things that are no match for Sho Kosugi

- Coked-up yuppies

- Exploding warehouses

- RPG’s

- Dennis Miller look-a-likes

Things that are a match for Sho Kosugi

- Rudimentary English

- Emotions

What I liked

- Like cologne sprayed on b.o., the non-stop action helps to mask the least intriguing plot in film history

- 3 words... Ninjas with flamethrowers

What I didn’t like

- The obscene lack of gratuitous gore and nudity

- The score is okay (barely), but the percussion is so random that it sounds like a drunk monkey fooling around with a drum machine

The bottom line: Lots of action and high production values (at least for this type of film) can only anesthetize you, they can’t make you enjoy it – 4/10

VH-1 debuts it’s newest slate of ‘celebreality’

Proving once again that the 'VH' in 'VH-1' now stands for ‘Vintage has beens’, the network recently rolled out an all new batch of ‘Celebreality’. With these new shows already drawing huge ratings, the network has announced plans for more D-list goodness this Fall.

- From the makers of ‘Flavor of love’ starring Flavor Flav & ‘Rock of love’ starring Brett Michaels comes ‘Beaver of love’ starring Jerry Mathers

- Looking to capitalize on the success of wrestler Hulk Hogan’s ‘Hogan knows best’, VH-1 turns to another wrestler for this Fall’s ‘Benoit knows knew best’

- The producers of the new hit ‘Scott Baio is 45 and single’ bring us ‘Michael Jackson is 48, single and a pedophile’ hosted by Chris Hansen

- From the creators of ‘The Surreal life’ comes ‘The Cereal life’. Former cereal mascots live in a house and compete for prizes like Kazoo’s, pencil toppers, and stickers. Starring Yummy Mummy, Fruit Brute, Ice cream Jones, Quisp and Quake
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- Finally, the same people who documented celebrity addiction in ‘Breaking Bonaduce’ and ‘Shooting Sizemore’ bring you ‘Licking Lohan’ (May be delayed until after the trial and latest rehab stint)

8-bit Tecmo Commissioner vows to “Get tough”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - While the actual Roger Goodell continues to deal with player conduct issues in the “Real” National Football league his Tecmo counterpart, 8-bit Roger Goodell, has vowed to “Get tough” after a recent series of arrests involving Tecmo Super Bowl (1991, NES) players.

On June 22nd, Seattle Seahawks Punter Rick “Rootin’” Tuten was arrested for buying stolen goods and then reselling them for profit. According to police, an informant told Tuten that she “had two stolen flat screen televisions...” valued at $1,500. To which Tuten responded “I don’t know nothing about nothing.” He then instructed the woman to deliver the items to his home. Tuten paid the woman $600 for the televisions and then asked her to deliver more. He was booked and held overnight before later being released on $20,000 bond.

Just two weeks later, on July 6th, Kansas City Chiefs Defense lineman Bill “No” Maas and his twenty seven year old female companion were pulled over in Peoria, Illinois. Police searched the car and found a .22-caliber revolver, 5 grams of suspected marijuana, 6 grams of suspected cocaine and 28 pills of Ecstasy. Maas and his companion were charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana. Maas was also booked on a charge of unlawful use of a weapon.

“The Tecmo Super bowl National football league is embarrassed (Regarding recent events),” the pixilated commissioner said in a statement released late last week “and I can assure our fans that we will deal with the situation.” After consulting with owners and 8-bit players union representative Gene Upshaw, 8-bit Goodell announced that he was suspending Tuten and Maas 8 games each. “We want to send a clear signal to our players that this kind of conduct will not be tolerated.” Tecmo training camps open starting July 26th.

* - Read the background material

http://www.azcentral.com/sports/cardinals/articles/0708maas-ON.html

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/florida/news-article.aspx?storyid=84885

Ninja-mania part 1

Ninja. The word alone conjures up images of masked warriors cloaked in black, of deadly fighting arts and of course, mutated turtles. What Kung-Fu was to the 70’s, Ninjitsu was to the 80’s. You couldn’t turn on a TV, open a comic book or walk down a toy aisle without seeing one.

Where the Ninja really flourished, however, was at the movies... well, more specifically on video and pay cable. It is through those mediums that they managed to infiltrate suburban Ohio and thus yours truly... and my friends and I were hooked. We would rush to the stand to buy Ninja magazine (Yes, they actually had a Ninja magazine) and we took a point of pride that famed American Ninjitsu practitioner (And Ninja magazine favorite) Stephen K. Hayes lived and taught right in our home town of Dayton, Ohio.
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Eventually the Ninja craze faded, but not before leaving behind a number of “classic” films. In my next several blogs I’m going to take a look at some of the more well known Ninja flicks, starting with my personal favorite, Revenge of the Ninja.

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Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

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Jedi’s weren’t the only one’s getting their revenge in 1983... of course ultimately George Lucas decided that the Jedi simply “returned” instead... anyway, Ninja’s had no such moral dilemmas.

Sho Kosugi starred as Cho, a simple man/Ninja trying to live life as if it were still the 16th century. A gang of Ninjas oblige and wipe out his family, save for his infant son and elderly mother. Conveniently an American business man named Braden just happens to have been there trying to convince Cho to move to the States and help him open up a Japanese art gallery when the Ninjas show up. These two incidents couldn’t possibly be related, right?

Not surprisingly Braden’s offer starts to sound pretty good and faster than you can say “sayonara”, Cho moves to America. We flash forward eight years to when Cho and Braden open their gallery (Geez, I thought Ninja’s were supposed to be fast). Apparently Braden feels that a tiny studio consisting of about six flea market quality Japanese dolls will be a huge hit with Americans... or does he? Okay, enough teasing. Braden knows what Americans really want from Japan circa the early 80’s. Heroine! The crafty round-eye stashed the goods into the dolls to get them through customs, in effect making the gallery a drug front.

Meanwhile, Cho has sworn off Ninjitsu, save for teaching his son to be the most dangerous person under four feet this side of Yoda. Oh, he also teaches his police officer friend... and a hot blonde. Guess he didn’t swear it off completely. What he apparently has sworn off completely is sex. In one scene he rebuffs the Ninjbo’s (Combination of Ninja and Bimbo) half naked sexual advances, in what surely must be the ultimate display of Ninja discipline in film history!

Alas, Braden runs into a problem with a local mob boss named Caifano (Who looks a lot like Joe Pesci, but he’s not... I don’t think). When the Mafioso tries to screw Braden on the deal, we learn a shocking secret... Braden is a Ninja! And Caifano soon learns that it isn’t wise to piss off a Ninja... Even a middle aged white one.

Cho eventually learns of Braden’s betrayal, and when Braden learns about Cho’s learning about the betrayal he... wait, I lost my train of thought... Oh, Braden kills Cho’s mom, hypnotizes the blonde babe into kidnapping Cho’s kid and then sets off to exact revenge on the Mob. The crafty Ameri-Ninja plans a broad daylight assault on Caifano’s high rise. Now, normally I would say this is not a smart idea (Even for a Ninja), but in this version of Los Angeles Caifano’s men stand outside the front door of the building with M-16s and aren’t hassled by the cops, so it’s okay.

As you might imagine, Braden’s shenanigans honk Cho off, so he reluctantly dons his Ninja outfit and sets off to intercept him. What follows is a fifteen minute gore-a-thon, as Braden slices his way through the hapless goombas with Cho in pursuit. Ultimately the two Ninjas end up on the roof where they have their final showdown, a no holds barred bad (shut your mouth!) Ninja battle for the ages! I won’t tell you who wins, but it’s not Braden.

The bottom line

The budget is low and it’s IQ lower, but if you like your revenge Ninja style, this is the movie for you.

I give it a category adjusted 9/10
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Have you played Atari today?

There’s no word that evokes nostalgic childhood memories for me quite like ‘Atari’. It brings to mind Saturday’s at Children’s Palace with my Dad, perusing the glass display case where they kept the more popular games and digging through the bargain bin for the $10 cheapies. To me Atari means ‘Frogger’ with friends, ‘Donkey Kong’ with Dad and ‘Defender’ ‘till dawn.

I had two ‘Atari 2600’s’, one at each of my parent’s houses. The one at home was the 4 switch wood panel model, which sort of reminded me of our red station wagon. The one at my Dad’s house has since been dubbed by ‘Atari’ aficionados as the ‘Darth Vader’ model for it’s slick, all black finish (Not unlike my Dad’s mid-life-crisis-mobile at the time, an ’82 Mustang 5.0 GT... I’m kidding, Dad! I miss that car by the way.). When my Dad remarried in 1985 we added not only three women to the house, but also about 40 more ‘Atari’ games, though most were doubles... the games I mean. Hey, you can never have enough copies of ‘Laser blast’, right?

Unlike a lot of kids who eventually moved on to the ill fated ‘Atari 5200’ or the ‘Colecovison’, I stayed true to my ‘2600’ until I got my first ‘Nintendo entertainment system’. Today my original wood panel ‘Atari’ is tucked away safely in my closet, never to be played again and preserved for all time as a treasure of my youth. My ‘Darth Vader’ model is now in my Dad and Step Mom’s basement, hooked up to a TV for my Nieces and Nephews to play (Along with one of my two original NES’) I bought another ‘Atari 2600’ strictly for playing at a flea market about six years ago.

The Atari 2600... One stick, one button... just as it should be.
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10 favorite ‘Atari 2600’ games


# 10 – Frogger

If I had a dime for every time I hopped onto a lily pad just as an alligator appeared... Well, I’d have a lot of dimes.

Fun fact!: Though I’ve played hundreds of hours of ‘Frogger’ on Atari, I’ve never played the arcade version.

Fun fact #2!: I also owned the Coleco tabletop version of ‘Frogger’.

# 9 – Haunted house

Oddball game, but I have a lot of fond memories of it... Just none that are interesting enough to share.

# 8 – Raiders of the lost Ark

As a HUGE ‘Indiana Jones’ fan, you can say that I might be a little biased here, but honestly I love this game. There really weren’t that many RPG’s for the ‘Atari 2600’, so ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’ provided a unique experience as a kid. Most of the games I’d played before just went on and on with no way to win (Like ‘Defender’ and ‘The Empire strikes back’) but ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’ had set of definable objectives and an end game... Of course, I wasn’t able to beat it as a kid (And it’s actually darn hard to beat as an adult).

Random observations and questions:

Is it just me or does the “Raving lunatic” in the Black market look like a carrot?

What’s up with that pedestal?

What in God’s name is a Tsetse fly?!

# 7 – Chopper command

“Get to da choppa!” That has absolutely nothing to do with this game, I just like saying it. As for the game, fun shooter. Sort of like an earth bound ‘Defender’.

# 6 – Pitfall!

Pitfall! is one of those games that evokes simpler video game times for me. Anyone remember this promotion?
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If you score 20,000 points (or more) on any one of your adventures with Harry,you will be eligible to join this prestigious organization. Just send us apicture of your TV screen showing your score, and we'll present you with aspecial Explorers' Club membership emblem.
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I seem to remember trying to take a picture of my score and it came out a giant white blur. The instruction manual ends with the following from Creator David Crane...
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"If you can find any writing materials deep in the jungle, drop me a line. I'd love to hear how you and Harry are getting along." - David Crane
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Is that the coolest or what?

# 5 – Pole position

This one would have actually ranked higher when I was a kid, but then I played the sit down “Cockpit” version at King’s Island one year and suddenly the 2600 version was a bit... lacking. Actually it’s a pretty decent port all things considered.

Fun fact!: There was a short lived ‘Pole position’ Saturday morning cartoon

# 4 – Asteroids

“Do you have Asteroids?”

“No, but my Dad does. He can't even sit on the toilet some days.”

One of those games everyone owned... even people who didn’t have an Atari. Let’s face it, it looks like a candy corn shooting at popcorn balls, but it’s a heckuva lot of fun and one of the best arcade to Atari ports IMO.

# 3 – Star Wars: The Empire strikes back

Again, as a HUGE Star Wars fan (And with ‘Empire strikes back’ being my favorite movie of all time) you might say I’m not exactly impartial here and you’d be right. However it’s impossible to deny the pure joy of destroying and endless stream of AT-AT’s and when that Atarized Star Wars theme kicks in... that’s pure magic right there. -
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Fun fact! – ‘The Empire strikes back’ is widely considered the best of the original Star Wars films, and it’s Atari counterpart is widely considered the best Star Wars game for the 2600 (The others include the port of the arcade version of ‘Star Wars’, ‘Star Wars: Jedi arena’ and ‘Return of the Jedi: Assault on the Death Star’.

# 2 – Combat

Not only is combat a lot of fun, it also has enough variety that it’s like several games in one. Invisible tanks, ricochet tanks and bi-planes... I could play it all day as a kid. Plus, my Dad and I would play this one together, so it has a special place in my heart.

# 1 – River Raid

‘River Raid’ was one of those games that my friends and I got together and played for hours. After the show ‘Airwolf’ came out, my friend Steve recorded about 10 minutes of music from the dog fight scenes by holding his boombox up to the TV and would play it back while he took his turn. Meanwhile the rest of us got stuck listening to the tape rewind.

Still a lot of fun to play, proving once again that graphics aren’t the most important part of what makes a game great.

Honorable mention

Adventure
Armor ambush
Grand Prix
Jungle hunt
Montezuma's Revenge
Ms. Pac-Man
Night driver
Space Invaders
Star Wars: The arcade game
Trick shot
Warlords
Yars’ revenge

Firewalker, Texas Ranger

Back again with another entry from “Project re-wind” (For info on project re-wind, see the December 2006 archive and the post “Mac and me... and me”) This time I review my experience watching the “Film” ‘Firewalker’, starring Chuck Norris and... honestly, does it really matter who else?




Quest for Fire(walker)

I thought that I’d seen virtually every Chuck Norris movie at some point in my life, but I had forgotten about this mid 80’s ‘Indiana Clone’. If only it had stayed that way.

Movies like this are always an iffy proposition because they’re frequently out of print. Sure enough, there was only one copy in my library’s database, so I put in my request and waited... and waited... and waited some more. Eventually I forgot that I’d even requested it when, like an uninvited guest bearing a poo bouquet, it showed up... five months later.

It was a VHS copy (Of course) distributed by a company called ‘Video treasures’. Yeah, I thought it sounded like a porno company too. Is this a Chuck Norris movie or a Fu... ah, never mind.

Playing with Fire(walker)

Take a pinch of ‘Indiana Jones’, add dash of Allan Quartermain and throw in a dump truck full of monkey poop and you get ‘Firewalker’, an actionless action movie starring Chuck Norris and Louis Gossett Junior. Can one movie handle that much testosterone???!!!... Yes.

Movies like this can be cheesy good fun, and in fairness the actors in ‘Firewalker’ do try, but there’s simply no real action. No tension. No fun. None. At all. Not a smidge. Not a pidge. Not a fridge. Zip. Zilch. Nada. El none-o. La de es mucho el boring (Can you tell I failed Spanish?).

Norris and Gossett exchange butter knife sharp (And at times oddly homoerotic) banter, hunt for... something, and that’s about it. I’ve honestly had more fun at the dentist’s office than I did watching this turdsicle.

Random thoughts

The name of the editor is Richard Marx... He should have known better

What the heck ever happened to Louis Gossett Junior, anyway? We need another Iron eagle movie, damn it!

What I liked

The sweet release of the stop button

What I didn’t like

The production values are not high enough to make the movie good-good, and not low enough to make the movie bad-good. It’s just bad-bad

It’s popular to ask “What did we learn?” so here goes

Chuck Norris brings things out of Louis Gossett Junior “that he didn’t know he had in him”. Hmmmm, wonder what that could be, Lou? Given Gossett’s role in ‘An Officer and a gentlemen’ there’s a cheap Richard Gere joke here that a classy and sophisticated writer avoids... A GERBIL! (Good thing I’m neither classy nor sophisticated)

Video treasures is NOT a porno company, but you will get screwed if you watch their movies

The bottom line

Not even the mighty Chuck Norris can save this turkey 2/10

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Up next, my ten favorite Atari 2600 games... And coming soon, more project rewind!