Halloween candy
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
-
I haven’t been trick-or-treating since a fateful night back in 1992. I was 18 years old. I got more grief than candy that night, with one woman refusing to give me a treat altogether. She sent me from her property with righteous indignation and in retrospect maybe she was right. I must’ve looked like a wise guy standing there at her door. I’m almost 6’2 and my buddy who was with me played nose tackle on the football team. That couldn't have looked good. It was my welcome to adulthood moment. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was a skinny punk pushing his way past princesses, fairies and clowns for some free candy.
Most of the things we have to give up when we become adults are temporary. In today’s society it’s perfectly normal for adults to play video games or collect toys. Not cool perhaps, but acceptable. we can also still have sleepovers and to tell you the truth they’re a lot more fun when you’re grown up... if you know what I mean. But trick-or-treating is a no-no. That’s for kids. It’s their time. Sure, you can enjoy it vicariously as a parent or when they come around to your house but it’s not the same. Of all the things that are great about being a kid, there’s none better than picking out your costume and heading out with friends on a chilly autumn night.
In this blog I list my five favorite and least favorite Halloween treats.
MY 5 LEAST FAVORITE HALLOWEEN TREATS
5.) LOOSE CANDY – One year, God as my witness, my friends and I went to a house and the lady reached into a bowl of hard candy... WITHOUT wrappers on them, and dumped a handful into each of our bags. I don’t think I need to explain why this is a bad idea.
4.) TOOTHBRUSHES – On at least two occasions during my trick-or-treat career someone slipped a toothbrush into my bag in the guise of a treat. A toothbrush! Did these people seriously think that we didn’t have toothbrushes at home? This isn’t some third world country. Do you see Sally Struthers anywhere around here? Are flies buzzing around me?
3.) GIFT CERTIFICATES – Great, a free small fry that your parents would’ve paid for anyway. What kid wouldn’t appreciate that?
2.) FRUIT – Fruit is wholesome and nutritious and thus has no place on Halloween (unless it’s bobbing for apples and even then they should be candy coated). People who give out fruit might as well hand out math homework too while they’re at it.
1.) PENNIES – The penny; our lowest form of coinage. Handing out pennies on Halloween is worse than not handing out treats at all. It would be less offensive if you dropped a handful of ripe cat turds into a kid’s bag than your dirty, loose pocket change. The penny says “I am bitter and cheap. Leave my porch so that I may return to watching Wheel of fortune.”
MY TOP 5 FAVORITE HALLOWEN TREATS
5.) GUM – You can’t go wrong with gum. Sure, I prefer something fruity but I won’t balk at something from the mint family. And if the gum just happens to be at the center of a sucker then so much the better!
4.) SUCKERS – I go to the bank just for the free Dum-Dum pop. What can I say, I’m a sucker for suckers.
3.) M&M’S – When I was a Freshman in High school we had to sell M&M’s to fund our Senior prom (or technically the current Senior prom). We each were obligated to sell at least one bag, which contained 20 boxes of plain and 20 boxes of peanut M&M’s @ .50 cents each. I sold all of my peanut M&M’s (since I don’t like peanut) and then proceeded to eat my supply of plain to the tune of $10.00. That’s how much I love plain M&M’s.
2.) SWEET-TARTS – I use “Sweet-tart” as a sort of catch-all. Other candies falling under the Sweet-tart banner include Spree & Bottle caps. Sweet tarts probably aren’t this high on most people’s list, but I’m a guy who eats spoonfuls of granulated sugar so there you go.
1.) REECE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS – I think they must put crack in these things. Have you ever been able to eat just one? Me either.
Most of the things we have to give up when we become adults are temporary. In today’s society it’s perfectly normal for adults to play video games or collect toys. Not cool perhaps, but acceptable. we can also still have sleepovers and to tell you the truth they’re a lot more fun when you’re grown up... if you know what I mean. But trick-or-treating is a no-no. That’s for kids. It’s their time. Sure, you can enjoy it vicariously as a parent or when they come around to your house but it’s not the same. Of all the things that are great about being a kid, there’s none better than picking out your costume and heading out with friends on a chilly autumn night.
In this blog I list my five favorite and least favorite Halloween treats.
MY 5 LEAST FAVORITE HALLOWEEN TREATS
5.) LOOSE CANDY – One year, God as my witness, my friends and I went to a house and the lady reached into a bowl of hard candy... WITHOUT wrappers on them, and dumped a handful into each of our bags. I don’t think I need to explain why this is a bad idea.
4.) TOOTHBRUSHES – On at least two occasions during my trick-or-treat career someone slipped a toothbrush into my bag in the guise of a treat. A toothbrush! Did these people seriously think that we didn’t have toothbrushes at home? This isn’t some third world country. Do you see Sally Struthers anywhere around here? Are flies buzzing around me?
3.) GIFT CERTIFICATES – Great, a free small fry that your parents would’ve paid for anyway. What kid wouldn’t appreciate that?
2.) FRUIT – Fruit is wholesome and nutritious and thus has no place on Halloween (unless it’s bobbing for apples and even then they should be candy coated). People who give out fruit might as well hand out math homework too while they’re at it.
1.) PENNIES – The penny; our lowest form of coinage. Handing out pennies on Halloween is worse than not handing out treats at all. It would be less offensive if you dropped a handful of ripe cat turds into a kid’s bag than your dirty, loose pocket change. The penny says “I am bitter and cheap. Leave my porch so that I may return to watching Wheel of fortune.”
MY TOP 5 FAVORITE HALLOWEN TREATS
5.) GUM – You can’t go wrong with gum. Sure, I prefer something fruity but I won’t balk at something from the mint family. And if the gum just happens to be at the center of a sucker then so much the better!
4.) SUCKERS – I go to the bank just for the free Dum-Dum pop. What can I say, I’m a sucker for suckers.
3.) M&M’S – When I was a Freshman in High school we had to sell M&M’s to fund our Senior prom (or technically the current Senior prom). We each were obligated to sell at least one bag, which contained 20 boxes of plain and 20 boxes of peanut M&M’s @ .50 cents each. I sold all of my peanut M&M’s (since I don’t like peanut) and then proceeded to eat my supply of plain to the tune of $10.00. That’s how much I love plain M&M’s.
2.) SWEET-TARTS – I use “Sweet-tart” as a sort of catch-all. Other candies falling under the Sweet-tart banner include Spree & Bottle caps. Sweet tarts probably aren’t this high on most people’s list, but I’m a guy who eats spoonfuls of granulated sugar so there you go.
1.) REECE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS – I think they must put crack in these things. Have you ever been able to eat just one? Me either.
posted by Anthony Williams @ 10/30/2007
2 comments
