The 'Pirate Movie' shivers me timbers!

Arrr! Sorry, I just wanted to get that out of the way right at the beginning. Won’t happen again, matey.

Avast ye land lubbers! I’m back with another salty sea tale fer ya! In this blogisode of ‘Project re-wind’ I take a look at 1982’s ‘The Pirate movie’, an “Update” of the musical ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

"PIRATES" OF THE PERINEUM
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Usually Project re-wind is reserved for 80’s movies that I haven’t seen before, but since it’s been 26 years I figured seeing ‘The Pirate Movie’ would be like watching it for the first time; and it was.

I went into the movie with low expectations, much the same way my parents must have approached raising me. The film begins with shirtless men and a thumping 80’s rock tune [AKA a typical Saturday night at my house]. After this rousing start, we’re dropped into modern times... well, 1982. Here we meet Mable, a shy girl who looks a lot like Kristy McNichol dressed up like Garth from ‘Wayne’s World’. She and a bevy of bikini clad babes are watching Fredric [Christopher Atkins] show off his swordsmanship in a low rent Pirate show. After the show, Fredric invites the girls for a ride in his boat, including Mable, to whom he is drawn [remember, it IS Kristy McNichol under all that flannel].

Alas Mable is c-blocked by the bikini clad girls and ends up being knocked unconscious and left on shore. She falls into a deep dream and we are whisked backwards in time.

Here, Fredric is a young Pirate apprentice. An orphan, he has been raised at sea by the Pirate King [Ted Hamilton, in a show stealing performance]. Young Fredric has just fulfilled his contract, and feels an urge to do something more virtuous than pirating. After he is forced to walk the plank, he washes ashore and meets Mable, now a beautiful young princess. The two fall head over heels in love, but there’s a catch. Mable is the youngest of her siblings and can’t get married until her older sisters do.

To circumvent this, she and Fredric hatch a scheme to find her father’s [The Modern Major General] long lost treasure. Using her feminine whiles Mable seduces the Pirate King, who has a map to said treasure on his back. The kids find the treasure, and all seems well until the Pirate King and his men show up. It is here that young Fredric learns that he is still under oath to serve the Pirate King [due to technicality in their contract]. The duty bound Fredric reluctantly joins forces with the King and it is up to Mable to save her people.

So, can Mable defeat the Pirate King? Will Fredric learn that love is more important than duty? Oh, I won’t spoil it for you, but yes.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Atkins and McNichol are a little out of their depth [Pun! Oh how I love them], but the rest of the cast is top notch. And McNichol looks great, so who cares?

The movie is filled with some premium grade-A cheese, including the opening theme ‘Victory’ and Atkins’ crooning of ‘How can I live without her’.

‘How can I live without her’ – Starts slow [and sounds like 70’s Euro porn music at first], but wait for it to kick in @ about 40 seconds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anO5KG0Uov4

‘Victory!’ – Hold on to your decks, mateys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYMqQXv01Rg

THE BOTTOM LINE
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I thoroughly enjoyed ‘The Pirate Movie’. It’s dumb and cheesy and hopelessly dated, but then again so am I. The cast all seem to be having a good time and as a result I did too. - 7/10