Battle of the "Slasher" icons!

With Halloween right around the corner, I thought that it would be fun [fun may be a poor choice of words] to choose the ultimate movie “Slasher”. I guess I could’ve used scientific criteria such as box office totals and opinion polls or anecdotal evidence such as cultural impact but that would require research.

JASON VS FREDDY VS MICHAEL

NAME

JASON VORHEES: Jason = Not scary. Voorhees = Scarier than a picture of Wilford Brimley tea bagging Bea Arthur

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FREDDY KRUEGER: Sounds like a German male stripper

MICHAEL MYERS: Conjures up images of pale Canadian Comedians

ADVANTAGE: JASON – While German strippers are scary, and Mike Meyers last few movies were horr[or]ible the name Voorhees alone makes me shit my pants

LOOK

JASON: Hockey goalie meets Jiffy Lube attendant

FREDDY: Burnt hot dog dressed like a homeless man

MICHAEL: Albino William Shatner meets Jiffy Lube attendant

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – The only thing scarier than a Jiffy Lube attendant [Seriously, who knows what they’re doing under there?] is a Jiffy Lube attendant with William Shatner’s head

PERSONALITY

JASON: The strong silent type

FREDDY: Game show host

MICHAEL: The strong silent type

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – Everyone can agree that game show hosts are terrifying. Have you ever watched ‘Deal or no deal’?

WEAPON OF CHOICE

JASON: Machete

FREDDY: Claw-glove

MICHAEL: Kitchen knife

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – It was close between the glove and Jason’s machete but something about the latter made me feel Jason was compensating for something

HOME FIELD

JASON: Woodsy Camp Crystal lake

FREDDY: Suburban Springwood, Ohio

MICHAEL: Suburban Haddonfield, Illinois

ADVANTAGE: JASON – Sure suburban Ohio can be a little scary [Trust me, I know] but Jason’s turf doesn’t have indoor plumbing

BACK STORY

JASON: Mentally challenged, inbred forest dweller with Mommy issues

FREDDY: Bastard son of a thousand maniacs who grows up to become a child molesting factory worker

MICHAEL: Soulless, black-eyed vessel of pure evil with Sister issues

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – Hard to top a cute little kid who one day suddenly snaps and becomes a mass murderer

And the winner is...


A 3-way tie!

Truth be told, I could’ve broken the tie but I don’t want any of these dudes showing up at my house tonight!

Happy Halloween!