Battle of the "Slasher" icons!

With Halloween right around the corner, I thought that it would be fun [fun may be a poor choice of words] to choose the ultimate movie “Slasher”. I guess I could’ve used scientific criteria such as box office totals and opinion polls or anecdotal evidence such as cultural impact but that would require research.

JASON VS FREDDY VS MICHAEL

NAME

JASON VORHEES: Jason = Not scary. Voorhees = Scarier than a picture of Wilford Brimley tea bagging Bea Arthur

-

FREDDY KRUEGER: Sounds like a German male stripper

MICHAEL MYERS: Conjures up images of pale Canadian Comedians

ADVANTAGE: JASON – While German strippers are scary, and Mike Meyers last few movies were horr[or]ible the name Voorhees alone makes me shit my pants

LOOK

JASON: Hockey goalie meets Jiffy Lube attendant

FREDDY: Burnt hot dog dressed like a homeless man

MICHAEL: Albino William Shatner meets Jiffy Lube attendant

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – The only thing scarier than a Jiffy Lube attendant [Seriously, who knows what they’re doing under there?] is a Jiffy Lube attendant with William Shatner’s head

PERSONALITY

JASON: The strong silent type

FREDDY: Game show host

MICHAEL: The strong silent type

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – Everyone can agree that game show hosts are terrifying. Have you ever watched ‘Deal or no deal’?

WEAPON OF CHOICE

JASON: Machete

FREDDY: Claw-glove

MICHAEL: Kitchen knife

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – It was close between the glove and Jason’s machete but something about the latter made me feel Jason was compensating for something

HOME FIELD

JASON: Woodsy Camp Crystal lake

FREDDY: Suburban Springwood, Ohio

MICHAEL: Suburban Haddonfield, Illinois

ADVANTAGE: JASON – Sure suburban Ohio can be a little scary [Trust me, I know] but Jason’s turf doesn’t have indoor plumbing

BACK STORY

JASON: Mentally challenged, inbred forest dweller with Mommy issues

FREDDY: Bastard son of a thousand maniacs who grows up to become a child molesting factory worker

MICHAEL: Soulless, black-eyed vessel of pure evil with Sister issues

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – Hard to top a cute little kid who one day suddenly snaps and becomes a mass murderer

And the winner is...


A 3-way tie!

Truth be told, I could’ve broken the tie but I don’t want any of these dudes showing up at my house tonight!

Happy Halloween!

Revisiting 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

It seems like it was only last week that I was walking out of the six o'clock showing of Indiana Jones' long awaited fourth adventure. In reality it was almost five months ago; May 22nd [My birthday]. That evening, as I got into my car, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. I guess seeing the return of one of the real significant icons of my youth combined with turning thirty four just made me pensive. Naturally I wrote a review for this blog, and the first draft was much different than the one I ultimately posted. It was full of big themes and deep thoughts [or at least as deep as I'm capable of]. I ended up giving the movie a very mixed review, and a 6.5/10 rating

http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2008/05/indiana-jones-kingdom-of-crystal-skull.html.

As the months passed, I debated; did I rate the film too high based on nostalgia and my love for the character or were my expectations too high and thus the film underrated. Having now re-watched it, I can say that it's the former. It's not without it's moments, but they're undone by a bad script, a plodding pace and too much cheap computer wizardry.

So what went wrong? I don't have the desire to beat up on Lucas and Spielberg anymore [especially after what 'South Park' did to them] so instead I'll tell you what I would've done differently. And yeah, I know it's easy to Monday morning quarterback. This is a friendly critique from someone who has loved this character for 27 years.

HOW DO YOU FIX INDY? JUST ADD A LITTLE 'KHAN'

While I was re-watching 'KOTCS', it hit me that it was very similar in it's basic dynamics to 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'. In that movie, an aging James Kirk has given up a life of adventure for life behind a desk because that's what society has told him he should do. Of course he's miserable. In the midst of this mid life crisis, he's called into back action. Before long he meets his old flame, Carol Marcus. She was the love of his life, but he chose duty and adventure instead. He is also introduced to a young man, later revealed to be his son. Kirk sees the life he could have had. Now he feels old and alone. Add into the mix an enemy from his past and the death of a close friend and you have all the depth and pathos needed for a stirring story.

In my opinion, 'WOK' should've served as the template for 'KOTCS'. While the latter dealt with those issues, it did so superficially. Yes Mutt makes a few jokes about Indy's age, and Indy and Stanforth talk about "reaching a point where life stops giving you things and starts taking them away" but it's all fluff. What should've been the driving force of the story [along with the relationship with his son and Marion] are nothing more than gags.

With that said, here's what I would've done. The object or "McGuffin" is less important to me here than the story around it; much like the Holy Grail was in 'The Last Crusade'. I didn't mind the Crystal Skulls and in fact I think they could've been a great McGuffin. They just needed a better script and story around them.

So, without further ado...

-- Begin with the obligatory opening prologue/action sequence. Here Indy finds himself outmatched by a much younger rival. Someone who reminds him of his younger self, only without the ethics [think Belloq, but more handy with his fists]. The younger man takes the prize and Indy limps home, defeated.

-- When he arrives, he finds that his dear friend Marcus Brody has died. Coupled with his recent defeat, Indy begins to feel his best days are behind him.

-- A young man approaches Indy after Brody's funeral. The young stranger tries to entice Indy to aid him find [insert McGuffin here]. Indy tells the kid he's not interested. The kid then drops the bombshell. I'm your son and Marion has been captured by those seeking the McGuffin.

-- Indy agrees to help the kid and they set off. The two are as different as they can be. The younger man is more like the grandfather he never knew. Studious. Serious. Thoughtful. The two clash. Indy continues to doubt himself and soon they realize that they are in a race against Indy's younger rival with the Soviets in tow.

-- Indy and his son find and rescue Marion in the middle of the second act. This allows more time for them to reconcile their feelings in an adult fashion rather than through painfully bad quips in the middle of action sequences.

-- In the end, Indy must confront his doubts and in the process re-discovers his mojo, earns the love and respect of his son and rides off into the sunset with his girl.

THE END?

There have been rumblings recently that Lucas is in "think mode" for 'Indy V'. If it happens [and in despite all I've said, I hope it does] much of what I've proposed is useless. The only theme that is still relevant is aging and being bested by a younger rival. It's still a strong starting point in my opinion. Regardless of what they do, I'll be there with my popcorn and hoping for the best.

Pop farts 3: Silent but deadly

Nothing in the world of pop culture really caught my eye, so it's all reviews this week. A movie, a CD and a book! Hold your nose and read on...

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

'Vision quest' - I'd seen bits and pieces of this 1986 Matthew Modine wrestling opus before, but never the whole thing at once. It's a pretty standard 80's teen sports flick. Young high school wrestler Louden Swain [Modine] wants to drop down in weight so that he can face off against the state's best wrestler. Nobody understands why he wants to do this [if they did, we'd have no movie]. Heck, even Louden really doesn't know why. He's on an Odyssey. A Vision quest if you will. But a beautiful monkey wrench threatens to foul up Louden's plans when a young artist [Linda Fiorentino] ends up staying with Louden and his father [the underused Ronny Cox]. He [of course] falls head over Asics for her but she is resistant. Could it be because she's 21 and he's only 18? Or maybe it's because Louden is a freaking whack job. That's the biggest problem with the whole movie. Our central character/hero is painfully annoying. It's impossible to believe that Fiorentino's character would fall for him. The film does have some positives, including a solid 80's soundtrack and some really interesting side characters, but it's all undone by a hero that's tough to root for. - 5.5/10

NEW MUSIC

'The block' - The fact that I fancy myself a bit of a New Kids on the block fan is already out of the bag, so what the heck. I picked up their new album "The block" this week and I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. The "Kids" enlisted quite an A list of talent [Akon, Ne-Yo, Lady GaGa, New Edition and the Pussycat Dolls] and the result is an album that sounds contemporary in the best sense of the word. The one complaint I would have is that the dance oriented album lacks a nice power ballad. Otherwise it's top drawer stuff. Highlights include "Click click click", "Big girl now", "Summertime", "Dirty dancing", "Full service" & "Put it on my tab". Welcome back, gentelmen. Well done. - 8/10

The video for "Summertime"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25qiZy7vmqY

"Click click click"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR8Ef3Cj4Tw

BOOK REVIEW

'The Force unleashed' - Lucasfilm tries out yet another multi-media release stunt and this time succeeds. Sean Williams' 'The Force unleashed' is one of the best examples of Star Wars "Expanded universe" that I've ever read. The plot [which takes place in the years between Episodes III & IV] ] involves Darth Vader's "secret apprentice". He is trained to eliminate enemies of the Empire, which now include rogue Jedi. Along with Juno Eclipse, a beautiful female Imperial pilot, and his faithful droid, PROXY, he sets off on his mission to eliminate famed Jedi Rahm Kota. But that's only the beginning. Interesting, if not unique, gimmick by showing much of the story from the point of view of the "bad guy". Hype aside, it's a good read and a solid addition to the increasingly bloated Star Wars canon. - 8/10

Pop farts 2: The Dumbpire strikes back

Hold your breath, here's the latest dose of Pop farts!

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

'Rambo' - Stallone brings back his other iconic franchise in a blaze of blood and guts. It goes over the top at times [no, Rambo doesn't arm wrestle the enemy... sadly] but combined with straightforward, economical storytelling, it works better than it should. Not a classic, but not a disposable action flick either. - 6.5/10

'Iron Man' - The Summer's other comic book blockbuster is a solid origin story that shows a lot of promise for what's to come. While I didn't like it as much everyone else seemed to, it did improve on it's second viewing. The cast is solid, especially Robert Downey Jr., and the special f/x are often spectacular. The final showdown is a bit lackluster [a lot like the 'Spider-Man' movies] but overall it's a solid piece of entertainment. 7.5/10

ODDS AND ENDS

The "CW" network is set to produce 'The Graysons', a TV series about the life of Dick Grayson before he begins his partnership with Batman. So basically it's about Dick when he was small [Pause... continue]. I guess they're going for a 'Smallville' thing here, but the difference is Clark Kent was a kid with super powers from another planet. Dick Grayson was an acrobat. He doesn't become even remotely interesting until his parents are killed and he joins up with Bruce Wayne. I'll hold off on judging this one until more details emerge but so far it sounds like this Dick will suck.

And speaking of Batman, 'The Dark Knight' is set to hit stores on December 9th. It's going to be a long two months.

THE IDIOT BOX

'The Clone Wars' animated series debuted this week with back to back episodes. I thought that the movie was much better than it's reception [and this is from a confirmed prequel hater], and the series shows great promise. It could be tough to maintain the drama, especially since the audience knows that our main heroes and villains aren't in any peril in this part of the storyline, but it could be a fun, rock 'em sock 'em 1/2 hour and that's okay too [dee too] - 7.5/10

NEW MUSIC

The theme for the latest Bond film, 'Quantum of solace' [I don't know either, folks] is out. "Another way to die" is by Jack White [of 'The White stripes'] and Alicia Keys [of 'Alicia Keys']. It took a few dozen listens before it finally hooked me. That said, I wouldn't rank it in the upper echelon of Bond themes, but it's better than 'Moonraker'. Then again the sound of sand paper on a rusty nail is better than the theme from 'Moonraker'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uf_ffbi0uWg

Until next time...