The scent of cheapness

Bachelor on a budget 1: Body sprays

This is the first part of what could become a series of posts on how to be a swinging bachelor on a budget. What do I know about this? Absolutely nothing. But when has that ever stopped me before?

We’ve all seen the commercials for “Body sprays” that promise to make you irresistible to women. In them an average looking guy gives himself a few blasts of the potent spray and suddenly he’s being tackled by supermodels. Not bad for under $5.00, right?

I’ve heard a few women dismiss these commercials as sexist, but I have another theory. I believe they were created by women as a way to weed out cheap men. Think about it, thousands upon thousands of cheap-ass guys are essentially wearing scratch and sniff “Hello, I earn minimum wage” tags. Now the discerning female has another weapon in her rejecto-arsenal.

But what about the sprays themselves? Do they really make the ladies crazy or do they simply attract flies? In Part 1 of my series “Bachelor on a budget” I take a look at three prominent body spray lines; AXE, TAG and RGX.

FIELD STUDY

About a year ago I had a crush on a female co-worker. I wanted to try and get her attention with a little spit and polish to the ‘ol image but my wallet was thinner than Nicole Richie on a three month Tic-Tac diet. So what’s a guy to do? Well head to the citadel of cheapness, of course. Wal-Mart. There I was, standing next to another cheap-ass trying to smell the various body sprays without actually spraying them. My fellow skinflint didn’t let a little thing like not having purchased them keep him from tooting each and every spray at least twice. Satisfied, he nodded at me and grabbed a can of AXE “Phoenix” and walked away.

Now I was alone. For ten minutes I sniffed. Finally I settled on can of TAG “All nighter” [mostly because it was a dollar cheaper than AXE]. Plus I thought all-nighter sounded promising. Who doesn’t want an all nighter? Sounds better than "Phoenix". Honestly, who wants to smell like a mythical flaming bird? Did he ever get laid? Doubt it.

After two weeks of wearing "All nighter" I hadn’t once been tackled by any females nor had I had any “All nighters”. I vowed not to be so cheap the next time. I would pony up and get the good stuff. AXE.

I ended up buying a can of AXE “Vice”. I wasn’t sure what a “Vice” was supposed to smell like. Addiction? A device in a wood shop? Don Johnson? Or God forbid... Philip Michael Thomas!? "Vice" ended up being a slightly better choice than "All nighter" [which in retrospect smelled like hand soap from a Waffle house bathroom] but I still wasn’t being attacked by roving bands of horny co-eds.

Because I believe in the Thomas Edison quote “I didn’t fail. I just figured out 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb.”. I vowed to keep trying, even if by the time I was done I could’ve simply bought one bottle of decent cologne, damn it I was going to find a good smelling body spray. I wouldn’t have to try 997 more times.

I used Google for something other than looking up free porn and discovered that of the few [female] people who had posted opinions on body sprays, most preferred one by AXE called “Kilo”. Kilo. Vice. Does anybody see a pattern here? I didn’t know AXE was manufactured in Columbia. Anyway, I went straight to Wally World and picked up a can of "Kilo". I brought it home and killed a little of the ozone layer [so 1980’s anyway] and lo and behold it smelled... good. Darn good. Not at all like the others I had tried. With great excitement I began wearing it to work and while the tackling super models never came, the compliments on how I smelled did. Yes even from the girl I had a crush on, but she claimed it was my laundry detergent. And no, she and I never hooked up. Yeah that’s what I’m guessing too. Probably a lesbian.

I wore "Kilo" for the next 6 months or so [going through about a can a month] before burning out on it. For the next few months I tried almost every scent across the AXE line with no success. Finally a two for one deal at Wal-Mart convinced me to give RGX a try and what a revelation. I got a combination of “Rush” and “Chill”. Unlike AXE and TAG, which smell really nothing like cologne and every bit like what they are, these RGX scents mimic the clean, crisp colognes like “Polo Sport” and “Cool Water”. Now I’m not saying they smell like them, but they’re more reminiscent of them. And they’re almost a dollar cheaper than AXE.

A REVIEW

TAG: I only tried “All nighter”. It has a phony, cheap tang to it that promises that you won’t be getting any phony, cheap tang from it. - RATING: 1.5/4

AXE: AXE [called Lynx in the U.K.] is probably the most well known of the body sprays and it does offer a few decent options.

“Kilo” If you’re going to buy AXE, this is the one to get. It worked quite well for a friend of mine. - RATING: 3/4

“Vice” Sort of at the opposite end of the spectrum, smell-wise from “Kilo”, it’s not a bad choice though it does have a high school vibe to it. – RATING: 2.5/4

“Phoenix”, “Tsunami” and “Essence” All are lesser versions of “Vice”. Better than B.O., but they aint gettin’ ya laid unless you’re a high school sophomore, and even then she’s not going to be the head cheerleader. – RATING: 2/4

“Vetyver” This is a newer line from AXE called “Proximity” that promises a more subtle fragrance. Vetyver at least delivers that, though it smells a bit too much like the inside of a new car. - RATING: 2/4

RXG: Both “Chill” and “Rush” have similar scents, but “Rush” has a bit more of a spicy kick. Of the two I prefer “Chill” just a tad more, though both are very good for what they are. RATING: 3/4

There are at least two other body sprays you will encounter on the market; BOD MAN and one made by OLD SPICE. I’ve never tried them so I can’t comment on their worthiness, however in the case of BOD MAN the packaging is... well, judge for your self.

http://www.parfumsdecoeur.com/Catalog.aspx?SC=174

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

- Like cologne, the scent doesn’t last all day. AXE makes “bullets”, or mini sprays that fit nicely in your pocket. If you have a locker at work or have a long evening planned, take the bottle with you so you can refresh after a few hours.

- These sprays are nice for guys on a budget. Unless you’re a corporate exec, most women won’t expect you to be wearing a $100 dollar a bottle cologne at the grocery. They just want you to smell clean. If you’re under the age of 20, they’re fine for dates and the like but for the rest of us don’t wear them on a fist date.

- If you’re over 40, you might not be able to get away with wearing AXE. Heck, even 30 is pushing it. RGX is acceptable right on up through the Depends years. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Wilford Brimley pimping this stuff in an AARP print ad some day soon.

THE COMMERCIALS

These body sprays are mostly known for their commercials, all of which promise that hot chicks will not be able to keep their hands off of you.

AXE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgxxAwue7Fs

TAG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws87MmTlIz8

RGX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt6s7EqSEr4

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Happy hunting, bachelors