From a distance: Looking back at the prequel trailers - Attack of the clones

This is Episode..., I mean part, two of of a three part series looking back at the trailers for the Star Wars prequels [Click here for part one].

After "The Phantom Menace" disappointed pretty much everyone on earth... Wait. Why limit it to earth? Check out this exchange from "Jesus and Satan at the movies".

Jesus: "I was especially offended by Anakin's virgin birth. I mean, 'Hello'. I'm the only one who had a virgin birth people. Sacrilege anyone?"

Satan: "Oh you think that was bad. The one guy who looks like me in the entire movie. One guy. Get's cut in half. In---half."

So yeah, after everyone here and in the hereafter agreed that "The Phantom Menace" was a pile of gerbil turds, Lucas must've felt the pressure. Fans wanted something darker. Stronger. Jar Jar-less. Lucas delivered a two hour video game. But in the months leading up to the release of "Attack of the clones", hopes had started to rise. The buzz on the film, fueled by the first official teaser trailer, was good. It looked like Lucas had listened. "Attack of the clones" was going to be the prequel trilogy's "Empire strikes back". Of course it wasn't, but it would take a few trailers for the obvious to become apparent. "Attack of the clones" was going to suck.

TEASER TRAILER [aka "Breathing trailer"]

Trailer 1

- :30 seconds in. Samuel L. Jackson ponders "Maybe this mutha fucka won't suck."

- :42 seconds in. Watto. No. No, no, no! La-la-la-la-la I did not see Watto. Did--not--see--him.

Basically there's not much to pick on here. This trailer is bad ass. Of course if you're someone who is watching the saga in it's chronological order you've got to be thinking "What the fu-- is this movie about scuba diving?".

WEB EXCLUSIVE TRAILER

Trailer 2

The second trailer for "Attack of the Clones" was actually only available on line, accessed exclusively by those dumb enough to have actually purchased "The Phantom Menace" on DVD [Like me].

- The trailer begins with a series of great shots.

- And then Hayden Christensen pulls out his sucksaber and cuts down that good will with some truly horrible acting. Our Spidey-sense is tingling!

- "How many times have I told you--- stay away from...power couplings."

If only Obi-Wan had instead warned us to stay away from the prequels.

- The trailer ends strongly with a series of cool shots before Lucas ruins the only half way decent joke in the movie. No, I'm not talking about Ewan McGregor's mullet.

The only mystery of this trailer is why it was released at all.

FORBIDDEN LOVE

Trailer 3

Released a few weeks after the "Breathing trailer", we get our first glimpse of the greatest tragedy in the history of the galaxy. Hayden Christensen's acting.

- :20 seconds in. We catch a brief glimpse of Jar Jar. Or maybe that's a rubber dildo wearing a bathrobe. I really do need to go get my eyes checked.

- :30 seconds in. Even Natalie Portman is shocked at how bad Christensen is.

- :45 seconds in. Christensen gets this odd, craigslist meet me at the glory hole in the Waffle House bathroom off exit 53 look on his face.

- :58 seconds in. Christensen gets this "I'm sorry, officer. I didn't know it was illegal to suck another man's dick in a public restroom." look on his face.

- 1:15 in. Portman looks at her agent off screen and with her eyes screams "Fuck you!".

- "We could keep it a secret."

"We'd be living a lie. I couldn't do that. Could you, Anakin?"

"Who told you about Waffle House?"

- 1:25. A little cheese with that whine, Anakin?

- The trailer ends with a series of images that move too quick for us to tell how much they suck.

At the time of it's release I loved this trailer. In retrospect, signs of impending disaster are all over it.

FULL LAUNCH TRAILER

Trailer 4

So, because it takes more than one wheelbarrow to move a pile of shit this big, we get the 4th trailer for this movie.

- :16 seconds in. Is this a Raid commercial?

- :30 seconds in. Sam Jackson tries to out Hayden Hayden with his Viagra-stiff delivery.

- "I hate it when he does that."

Opens his mouth? Yeah me too. But there's this guy at Waffle House...

- :48 seconds. NASCAR fan Obi-Wan Kenobi gives Anakin a good talkin' too. Dale Earnhardt forever!

- "You don't need guidance, Anakin."

No, he needs acting lessons.

- 1:04. Portman is so shocked by Christensen's bad acting that her ovaries explode.

- 1:15. Jimmy Smits joins this bad acting gang bang, ya'll!

- "This is a crisis!"

No shit.

- The last twenty seconds look like the trailer for a kick-ass... video game.

The only thing this trailer attacks is hope.

Coming soon... the trailers of "Revenge of the Sith".