Oscar Goldman: Man of (in)action

Action figure. Action figure. The very name evokes images of badassery. Imaginary real-fake men who are as hard and tough as the plastic they're made of. Real American heroes made in China. Men like G.I. Joe, Han Solo, He-Man, Oscar Goldman... Wait, Oscar Goldman?
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Yep, that Oscar Goldman. The Six Million Dollar man's boss. Because nothing screams "Action!" like a sedentary middle aged white guy with a bad rug.
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Maybe I'm being too hard on this figure. Let's let Kenner make their sales pitch.
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[Actual text from the back of the box]
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"This newest action figure is Oscar Goldman, the O.S.I. Chief. Oscar Goldman has a very special briefcase. If opened correctly, the briefcase contains secret files, radio headset and video scanner. However, if the enemy opens the briefcase, it "explodes"! Oscar Goldman comes dressed in checkered sports coat, slacks, turtleneck and shoes."
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Yeah fuck camouflage, what kids really want is a guy dressed like a Goodwill mannequin.
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If Kenner were more truthful his bio would've read something like this...
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"We're trying to suck every last penny out of your parents, so we present to you this totally unnecessary action figure! Oscar Goldman comes complete with a large briefcase that he uses to hide his collection of illegal black market animal pornography, a two pack a day smoking habit and an enlarged prostate."
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What did they even expect you to do with this guy, give Steve Austin a hard time?
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"You bionic bastard, go get that Bigfoot quick sharp or I'll ship your ass to Timbuktu. And get me some more fuckin' gin!"
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Quite frankly you'd have been better off giving him to your kid sister to use as Barbie's sugar daddy, Ted; a billboard advertising salesman with a wife and two kids who feels a sense of heavy shame about his philandering ways but never the less can't seem to end his relationship with the bodacious blonde bombshell nor his $500 a day coke habit.