The Warp Zone

New podcast is made of success

2011-01-03T22:07:00.003-05:00

Unplug your phones, send the kids to bed and lock your crazy Aunt Mable in the basement because you're going to spend the next hour listening to the hottest new podcast on the web; "I hate/love remakes".

In their debut episode, Noel and Evie [With special guest Dayna] discuss the Hitchcock classic "Psycho" and the 1998 Gus Van Sant remake.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll want to take up taxidermy.

I want to give a special shout out to Dana Miller for her fantastic illustration. Check her out here.

Podcast News

2010-12-08T19:20:00.007-05:00

Until recently I though Podcast was a Polish surname. Turns out it's sort of like a radio show, but on the Internet. I don't know how it works really. Some combination of gremlins and dark wizardry I suppose.

Anyway, I just wanted to take a few seconds to give everyone a heads up on a new podcast debuting in the next few weeks. It's called "I hate/love remakes". As you can probably guess from the title, they discuss all things My Little Pony. No, actually they debate the pros and cons of Hollywood's ongoing fascination with remaking films.

So book mark their site and keep checking back over the next few weeks. I absolutely believe that you'll enjoy it and that it'll be worth your time.

UPDATE!

Their preview episode is now up for your enjoyment. Check it out for a taste of things to come.

Come on, you know you want to. They have pie.

The sinister world of children's board games: Part 1

2010-10-22T23:57:00.003-04:00

Sure, nothing seems more wholesome than a children's board game... until you dig a little deeper...

Hungry, Hungry Hippos

"Hungry, Hungry Hippos" teaches your child to embrace gluttony while at the same time diminishing their well earned fear of hippopotamuses by turning them into pastel colored cartoon characters.

The brain trust over Milton Bradley tried several concepts before deciding on HHH, including "Tickly, Tickly Tarantulas", "Rascally, Rascally Rattlesnakes" and "Cuddly, Cuddly Crack Bums".

Chutes and Ladders

Chutes and Ladders attempts to teach kids that actions have consequences. If you do something "Good", you climb the ladder toward a reward. If you do something "Bad", you slide down the chute to a punishment. To be honest whatever the outcome I'd rather slide down a chute than climb a ladder any day.

Let's take a look at some examples from the game shall we?

Click here to see the board

Square 9 and 31: If you mow the lawn Suzie will let you take her to the circus. Providing you pay and agree not to sit with her.

Square 21 and 42: If you take Sally a gift the two of you will begin a short-lived lesbian relationship.

Square 36 and 44: If you eat a slice of white bread you will end up posing in your underwear for your creepy Uncle Danny.

Square 64 and 60: If you pull Flossie's pigtails and scream "Who's your Daddy?" someone will cut off your Mother's arm and attach it to yours... forever.

Square 98 and 78: If you try to sodomize your cat you will be forced to do Jack Benny impressions for it's amusement.

Operation

Apparently the goal of this game is to teach kids to perform invasive surgery on uninsured alchoholic Moe Howard impersonators who happen to be eunichs.

Crocodile Dentist

This 1991 Milton Bradley release takes the interaction with dangerous animals of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" and the reckless amateur surgery of "Operation" and mashes them together. Here the goal is for kids to try and extract teeth from a crocodile. There's a good idea. Second only to teaching kids to steal containers of Häagen-Dazs from Kirstie Alley.

Willard and Simpkin: Glory denied

2010-10-06T02:06:00.006-04:00

"Ready Willard and Simpkin on cats 3 and 4." - The bald dude who played the principle from "Back to the future"

You've probably never heard of Willard and Simpkin. Few have. You see, while Maverick and Iceman were in the Danger Zone with masked Russians trying to ram missiles up their tails, Willard and Simpkin were grounded thanks to a pair of broken catapults.
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They were this close to glory. This fuckin' close, only to be denied by faulty equipment. It's like being on the verge of fucking Megan Fox only to have your limp dick look up at you and shake his head as if to say "No" .

There would be no cheering crowds for Willard and Simpkin. No jocular back slapping. No thinly veiled homo-erotic beach volley ball. No in her prime, pre-sapphic Kelly McGillis. No Kenny Loggins... well, maybe the post-80's hippie Kenny Loggins who lives in the forest and butt fucks beavers, but that makes their fate even more sad.

Oscar Goldman: Man of (in)action

2010-09-03T00:09:00.004-04:00

Action figure. Action figure. The very name evokes images of badassery. Imaginary real-fake men who are as hard and tough as the plastic they're made of. Real American heroes made in China. Men like G.I. Joe, Han Solo, He-Man, Oscar Goldman... Wait, Oscar Goldman?
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Yep, that Oscar Goldman. The Six Million Dollar man's boss. Because nothing screams "Action!" like a sedentary middle aged white guy with a bad rug.
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Maybe I'm being too hard on this figure. Let's let Kenner make their sales pitch.
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[Actual text from the back of the box]
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"This newest action figure is Oscar Goldman, the O.S.I. Chief. Oscar Goldman has a very special briefcase. If opened correctly, the briefcase contains secret files, radio headset and video scanner. However, if the enemy opens the briefcase, it "explodes"! Oscar Goldman comes dressed in checkered sports coat, slacks, turtleneck and shoes."
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Yeah fuck camouflage, what kids really want is a guy dressed like a Goodwill mannequin.
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If Kenner were more truthful his bio would've read something like this...
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"We're trying to suck every last penny out of your parents, so we present to you this totally unnecessary action figure! Oscar Goldman comes complete with a large briefcase that he uses to hide his collection of illegal black market animal pornography, a two pack a day smoking habit and an enlarged prostate."
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What did they even expect you to do with this guy, give Steve Austin a hard time?
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"You bionic bastard, go get that Bigfoot quick sharp or I'll ship your ass to Timbuktu. And get me some more fuckin' gin!"
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Quite frankly you'd have been better off giving him to your kid sister to use as Barbie's sugar daddy, Ted; a billboard advertising salesman with a wife and two kids who feels a sense of heavy shame about his philandering ways but never the less can't seem to end his relationship with the bodacious blonde bombshell nor his $500 a day coke habit.

"Over the Top" turned Kenny Loggins into a hippie

2010-08-16T23:10:00.004-04:00

In the 80's Kenny Loggins was the undisputed King of the Soundtrack. From "Caddyshack" to "Footloose" to "Top Gun" Kenny taught us that is was Alright to be Footloose in the Danger Zone.
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But then came "Meet me halfway", a truly powerful song about love and commitment and faith... in a movie about arm wrestling. Now personally I loves me some "Over the Top" and I'm guessing if you're reading this, so do you. But picture this...
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You're Kenny Loggins. Yes. Savor that image for a moment, folks. Kenny mother truckin' Loggins. Full bearded, feathered hair and at the height of your peerless powers. You sit down to watch the world premiere of your video for "Meet me halfway" on MTV [They used to play music videos].
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The music begins to wash over you and just for a moment, one tiny little moment, you smile. You're pleased with your self. It's not arrogance. It's satisfaction. You know you've created something special. And you know what? You're proud of it. Go ahead, Kenny, pat your self on the back. You deserve it.
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It's at this point you see Sylvester Stallone appear on screen. "Oh yeah, he's the star of the movie this song is in." You like Sly. Who doesn't like Sly? You took your kid to see "Rocky IV". Sure you thought it was a bit jingoistic but it fits the zeitgeist of the times and it was wonderfully entertaining.
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As the video plays on the images cut back and forth between shots of you healing the sick and clothing the naked [I've never actually seen the video, but I'm assuming this is what happens] and shots of Stallone; Sweaty. Veiny. Looking as if he's shitting a cactus.
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I believe that it's at this point that you, Kenny Loggins, decided that you were through with soundtracks. Oh sure, you'd go on to record "Nobody's Fool" for "Caddyshack II", but your heart wasn't in it.
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From that point forward you decided to return to your touchy-feely hippie roots. No more Danger Zones. You were going to sing about trees and Winnie the Pooh and start wearing flannel shirts, even in the Summer.
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Okay, you're not Kenny Loggins any more. I know, I know. I'm sorry.
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So I contend that in 1987, "Over the Top" signaled the end of an era in movie music. What do you think?

Heads up 'Farscape' fans

2010-07-31T21:31:00.003-04:00

Anyone who is a fan of the sci-fi series 'Farscape' should check out an interesting project in progress. Four fans are re-watching the series, episode by episode, and then posting their thoughts every Friday. The order of the reviewers changes from week to week and one review feeds off of the one before it.

The results are always interesting [In many cases it's been several years since they've seen a particular episode] and readers are encouraged to join the discussion in the comments area.

Deconstructing Moya

I think 'Farscape' fans will definitely find this fun and worthwhile.

From a distance: Looking back at the prequel trailers - Revenge of the Sith

2010-07-11T03:05:00.000-04:00

1/26/10

Coming soon... the trailers of "Revenge of the Sith".

7 months later... [Sorry, I got a little busy]
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I've always liked sports metaphors, so let's just say that at this point Lucas was at the plate with no balls [His wife got those in the divorce. Zing!] and two strikes. With "The Phantom Menace" Lucas had not only swung and missed, but the bat had slipped out of his hands and killed a little old lady in the front row. With "Attack of the Clones", Lucas had fouled off a pitch, but the ball had beaned a Girl Scout. In short, it wasn't looking good for the Flannel Flogger.
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Enter "Revenge of the Sith". All signs pointed to this being the darkest chapter of the prequel saga. Somewhere in the last twenty years we've come to equate "darker" with "better", so against history and our better judgement, many of us still had high hopes for the third and final chapter of the prequel saga.
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Ultimately "Revenge of the Sith" was an improvement over it's predecessors, but like the guy in a family of complete morons who gets his GED on the third try, "ROTS" looks better than it actually is. It's somewhat lofty reputation is based more on it's relative value than it's actual value. Yes it has it's moments, but there are scenes in "ROTS" so shockingly bad that I'm embarrassed to watch them... and I didn't have anything to do with the movie.
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With the film in perspective, let's take a look at the trailers and see what they say five years later.
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[To see my reviews of the "TPM" and "AOTC" trailers click here and here]
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NOSTALGIA TRAILER
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Trailer 1
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- A very clever tactic; using the original trilogy to remind us that "Star Wars" used to be good.
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- :43 seconds in. Thundercats, hooooo!
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- 1:00 in. Inexcusable. Showing Vader in the suit in the teaser. It smacks of desperation on the part of Lucasfilm.
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- The next few shots are of the main characters looking horrified. These shots were actually taken from a hidden video filming the actor's reactions to reading the script for the first time.
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- Action! Explosions! Computer graphics!
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This trailer is really nothing more than a cheap and desperate ploy to bleed goodwill from the original trilogy. "Hey, it's Darth Vader! Oooh, look. Wookies!".

EPIC TRAILER
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Trailer 2
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- :00 - 1:00. Bad acting - EXPLOSION! - Bad acting - EXPLOSION! - Bad acting - EXPLOSION!

- 1:00 - 1:10. Even though the only people who didn't know that Palpatine was Darth Sidious were either living in a cave in Afghanistan or getting laid on a regular basis, Lucas still went to great lengths to never betray the fact in the first two prequels nor in public. But here, in the trailer, he just can't hold it in any longer.
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- 1:18 in. A slow motion Jimmy Smits. Always a sign of epicness.
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- The rest of the trailer pretty much betrays the entire plot.

Well that brings us to the end of this little experiment. They say that trailers are the films the director wish they had made. As we've seen here, they still would've sucked.

Farewell to the King

2010-07-08T22:05:00.003-04:00

I don't write about sports all that often here but something about LeBron James' decision to bolt the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat struck a nerve.

I used to be crazy obsessed with the NBA. Back in the Jordan era it wasn't unusual for me to cancel a date to stay in and watch the Bulls play a regular season game. After M.J. retired [For the second time] I gradually became disenchanted with the "Generation Next" that were the Air's heir apparents. In the last five years I'd say I've watched fewer than ten full NBA games, playoffs included.

So why should I care about whether LeBron James, the latest would be contender/pretender to the throne, goes to Miami or the moon for that matter? It's the principle [And I'm not talking about that late 80's Jim Belushi movie].

I'm a strong advocate of free agency. If a player has fulfilled his contract, I believe he has the right to test his value and get his value on the open market. For that reason I've become increasingly reluctant to get attached to players. I root for the uniform.

But the story of LeBron James is different. This is no ordinary free agent. This is the league's premiere player, playing for his home town team. A team, and a city, that is synonymous with losing. From "The Drive" to "The Fumble", from "The "Shot" to the 1997 World series, Cleveland sports teams have found ways to lose on the biggest stages in the most heartbreaking ways. Add in the fact that the city hasn't had a championship pro team since the Browns in '64 and you can see why Cleveland was named the most tortured sports city in America by ESPN.

The Cavaliers have sort of been the forgotten member of the Cleveland sports family. While passion still runs deep for the ever rebuilding Browns and the up and down Indians, the Cavaliers were always "Oh, yeah. The Cavs". Other than a nice run under coach Lenny Wilkens in the late 80's and early 90's, the Cavs haven't done much to distinguish themselves since they joined the NBA in 1970. That is until the hometown kid, "The Natural", fell into their laps in 2003.

LeBron James. King James. The kid from Akron with the winning smile and the winning style. The Chosen One who would lead Cleveland sports out of the wilderness. And he did... for a while.

Tonight, at approximately 9:30 Eastern time, LeBron James drove a stake through the heart of not only Cleveland sports, but the city of Cleveland itself. After two weeks of increasingly shameless self indulgence, James and his group of sycophantic agents, handlers and High school buddies whose job it is to be King James' subjects, arranged a one hour special on ESPN [Who while criticizing James out of one side of their mouth, talked incessantly about his future plans from the other]. Here James would announce to the world where he would take his once in a generation game. In the end, it was Miami.

So this takes me back to my original question. Why do I care? James earned the right to be a free agent. This I don't deny. And in a league that has had it's share of image problems over the years James has avoided the pitfalls of fame that beset so many young athletes away from the court. But James' situation was unique. He knew what he meant to the city, to the franchise. If he left, the value of the Cavaliers would plummets tens of millions of dollars. The economy of the city, which is already in dire straights, would also take a hit. He would effectively rip the still beating heart from the chest of Cleveland and toss it into the garbage.

But what's done is done. The King is in exile. Off to Miami to join Dewayne Wade and fellow new Heat member Chris Bosh to form a super-trio the likes of which the world hasn't seen since "Rush". They may win several championships together, but LeBron's legacy is forever tarnished. Tarnished for leaving a job unfinished in Cleveland. Tarnished for the way he handled his exit.

To quote the John Lennon song "And so dear friends/You just have to carry on/The dream is over."

From a distance: Looking back at the prequel trailers - Attack of the clones

2010-01-26T23:54:00.003-05:00

This is Episode..., I mean part, two of of a three part series looking back at the trailers for the Star Wars prequels [Click here for part one].

After "The Phantom Menace" disappointed pretty much everyone on earth... Wait. Why limit it to earth? Check out this exchange from "Jesus and Satan at the movies".

Jesus: "I was especially offended by Anakin's virgin birth. I mean, 'Hello'. I'm the only one who had a virgin birth people. Sacrilege anyone?"

Satan: "Oh you think that was bad. The one guy who looks like me in the entire movie. One guy. Get's cut in half. In---half."

So yeah, after everyone here and in the hereafter agreed that "The Phantom Menace" was a pile of gerbil turds, Lucas must've felt the pressure. Fans wanted something darker. Stronger. Jar Jar-less. Lucas delivered a two hour video game. But in the months leading up to the release of "Attack of the clones", hopes had started to rise. The buzz on the film, fueled by the first official teaser trailer, was good. It looked like Lucas had listened. "Attack of the clones" was going to be the prequel trilogy's "Empire strikes back". Of course it wasn't, but it would take a few trailers for the obvious to become apparent. "Attack of the clones" was going to suck.

TEASER TRAILER [aka "Breathing trailer"]

Trailer 1

- :30 seconds in. Samuel L. Jackson ponders "Maybe this mutha fucka won't suck."

- :42 seconds in. Watto. No. No, no, no! La-la-la-la-la I did not see Watto. Did--not--see--him.

Basically there's not much to pick on here. This trailer is bad ass. Of course if you're someone who is watching the saga in it's chronological order you've got to be thinking "What the fu-- is this movie about scuba diving?".

WEB EXCLUSIVE TRAILER

Trailer 2

The second trailer for "Attack of the Clones" was actually only available on line, accessed exclusively by those dumb enough to have actually purchased "The Phantom Menace" on DVD [Like me].

- The trailer begins with a series of great shots.

- And then Hayden Christensen pulls out his sucksaber and cuts down that good will with some truly horrible acting. Our Spidey-sense is tingling!

- "How many times have I told you--- stay away from...power couplings."

If only Obi-Wan had instead warned us to stay away from the prequels.

- The trailer ends strongly with a series of cool shots before Lucas ruins the only half way decent joke in the movie. No, I'm not talking about Ewan McGregor's mullet.

The only mystery of this trailer is why it was released at all.

FORBIDDEN LOVE

Trailer 3

Released a few weeks after the "Breathing trailer", we get our first glimpse of the greatest tragedy in the history of the galaxy. Hayden Christensen's acting.

- :20 seconds in. We catch a brief glimpse of Jar Jar. Or maybe that's a rubber dildo wearing a bathrobe. I really do need to go get my eyes checked.

- :30 seconds in. Even Natalie Portman is shocked at how bad Christensen is.

- :45 seconds in. Christensen gets this odd, craigslist meet me at the glory hole in the Waffle House bathroom off exit 53 look on his face.

- :58 seconds in. Christensen gets this "I'm sorry, officer. I didn't know it was illegal to suck another man's dick in a public restroom." look on his face.

- 1:15 in. Portman looks at her agent off screen and with her eyes screams "Fuck you!".

- "We could keep it a secret."

"We'd be living a lie. I couldn't do that. Could you, Anakin?"

"Who told you about Waffle House?"

- 1:25. A little cheese with that whine, Anakin?

- The trailer ends with a series of images that move too quick for us to tell how much they suck.

At the time of it's release I loved this trailer. In retrospect, signs of impending disaster are all over it.

FULL LAUNCH TRAILER

Trailer 4

So, because it takes more than one wheelbarrow to move a pile of shit this big, we get the 4th trailer for this movie.

- :16 seconds in. Is this a Raid commercial?

- :30 seconds in. Sam Jackson tries to out Hayden Hayden with his Viagra-stiff delivery.

- "I hate it when he does that."

Opens his mouth? Yeah me too. But there's this guy at Waffle House...

- :48 seconds. NASCAR fan Obi-Wan Kenobi gives Anakin a good talkin' too. Dale Earnhardt forever!

- "You don't need guidance, Anakin."

No, he needs acting lessons.

- 1:04. Portman is so shocked by Christensen's bad acting that her ovaries explode.

- 1:15. Jimmy Smits joins this bad acting gang bang, ya'll!

- "This is a crisis!"

No shit.

- The last twenty seconds look like the trailer for a kick-ass... video game.

The only thing this trailer attacks is hope.

Coming soon... the trailers of "Revenge of the Sith".

From a distance: Looking back at the prequel trailers - The Phantom Menace

2010-01-15T23:35:00.005-05:00

For several years I've been sitting on a half complete list of "Reasons why the Star Wars prequels suck", similar to the classic "50 reasons why Jedi sucks" [Film threat site has been down about a month, so link may not work]. Just as I was about to pull them out and dust them off for a blog, a group called Red Letter Media released a scathing, brilliant, epic seventy minute review of "The Phantom Menace" [You know a movie has problems when it's review is half as long as the movie itself]. Whatever your opinion of "TPM", this review is not to be missed.

Part 1 [Links to parts 2-7 are available on the related videos section of the page].

So, my thunder effectively stolen, I went back to the drawing board. What I came up with was something a bit different, at least for me. I'm going to go back and take a look at the trailers for the prequels, commenting on the good points and bad points, and thoughts then vs. now.

TEASER TRAILER

I remember the hysteria surrounding the release of the "Phantom Menace" teaser. It was our first glimpse of a new "Star Wars" film in nearly sixteen years. There were reports of people paying full admission prices just to see the trailer and then leaving the theater without watching the movie it was attached to. When it was posted onto the official site the following day, there was server gridlock.

I recorded it from "Entertainment tonight". I was too numb from the excitement of a new "Star Wars" trailer to even soak in what I had just seen. Ultimately what had me most excited was the footage of Darth Maul battling the two Jedi. I was totally oblivious to the warning signs present in the trailer.

Trailer 1

- The first :30 seconds gives us a few promising establishing shots courtesy of the gang at ILM. It looks Star Warsy, right?

- Bam! They throw a little pod race at us. It looks exciting here. Little did we know it was essentially a 30 minute video game between a ten year old and a group of compu-muppets.

- :44 seconds. Here is our first warning sign. Jar Jar. Fucking Jar Jar. Fitting that our first peek at him has him spitting some unintelligible Gungan gobbledygook.

- The taste of Jar Jar is almost wiped clean by a quick series of impressive action shots, but then...

- Hope dies. This ridiculous fucking fish-man returns, zapping his lips in some sort of electric current.

- The next :15 seconds or so features good actors reading shitty dialog.

- And then at 1:13, we hear the first line of dialog from the boy who will eventually become Darth Vader, the embodiment of evil.

[Bottom lip turned down, whimpering] "Will I ever see you again?"

?

He could've at least grabbed her by the throat while he said it.

- At 1:20 we get to see the moment where Anakin meets Obi-Wan for the first time. Thanks, George. Not only have you spoiled one of the key moments in the film, but that probably represents the most time the two characters spend together in "TPM".

- And then it happens. 1:25. The moment Lucas pulls down his Levi's and shits on our collective childhoods. Yoda. Not the Yoda we remember from "The Empire Strikes Back", but what appears to be a turd from a sick cat with a cotton ball stuck on top.

- Now begins a quick series of images set to the strains of the crescendo of the end credit music to "The Empire strikes back". The music is so great that we almost don't notice that C-3PO now looks like Nicole Richie for some reason. Almost.

Clearly the warning signs are all over this trailer but we were too blinded by our own excitement to see them.

THEATRICAL TRAILER

Trailer 2

- "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."

That certainly promises an exciting film to come, eh kids? That's like starting a porno with an anti-masturbation advertisement.

- :30 to :40 represents half of Darth Maul's dialog from the entire film.

- The next :20 or so seconds features Natalie Portman trying to out do Carrie Fisher for worst fake British accent in a "Star Wars" film.

- 1:20 "Yousa people gonna die?". Only Jar Jar could make a line about the genocide of an entire people seem childish.

- 1:30 gives us the Queen addressing the Senate on the grave matter of her planet being occupied by an invading army. She does this while wearing what looks like Gene Shalit's mustache on top of her head.

- The rest of the trailer actually comes together nicely with a montage of some of the better moments from the movie [i.e. no dialog] again set to the crescendo of the "ESB" credits music.

Like sweeping dirt under the rug, this trailer tries it's best to hide just how bad the movie really is.

Coming soon... The trailers of "Attack of the Clones".

My favorite films of the decade (Whatever it's called)

2009-12-31T22:00:00.004-05:00

It's too soon to rate the decade of the 00's, because to have perspective one first needs distance. Still, lists are all the rage this time of year, especially as a decade comes to a close. So with that in mind I made out a list of my favorite movies by year for the decade of the 00's [I know, some people feel the decade didn't actually begin until 2001 and ends in 2010. For the purposes of this blog let's say it began in '00 and ends in '09].

2000 - Gladiator

A surprising entry considering I didn't even like it the first time I saw it. It wasn't until I re-watched it a few years ago that it made a connection. Russell Crowe is Maximus. The story is simple, but it's in the telling. It's grand spectacle by a master director.

2001 - The Fellowship of the Ring

As soon as the lights went up opening night and the theater burst into applause, followed by a standing ovation, I knew this was an instant classic. An epic worthy of the book.

2002 - The Two Towers

Peter Jackson and company score again with this rousing second chapter of the "Lord of the Rings" saga. While "Fellowship" can be classified as a quest film, "Towers" is a flat out war movie.

2003 - Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

An artfully realized adaption of valor and brotherhood.

2004 - The Passion of the Christ

Matters of faith aside, I found Mel Gibson's movie about the last hours of Jesus' life to be disturbing, haunting and uplifting.

2005 - Batman begins

In an era where "Comic book" movies were king, Christopher Nolan upped the ante with this origin story that takes a here to fore "Cheap" genre and makes it art. A stellar cast enhance, not overshadow, this masterpiece.

2006 - Casino Royale

Like Christopher Nolan with "Begins", director Martin Campbell resurrects a cultural icon. Gone are the girls and gadgets formula that had worn thin under increasingly vapid efforts. Daniel Craig is, and I know this is blasphemous, the best actor to play Bond. Period. You believe utterly that this man can and will do what he does.

2007 - 300

"300" isn't a subtle film. In an era of increased sensitivity, it's loud, brutal and un-apologetically male. Virtually every line is some ode to valor and glory and is screamed with spittle producing fury. I can't help but love it.

2008 - The Dark Knight

"The Dark Knight" is not a pleasant film. It's not a film you just pop in on a whim. It's unflinching. Disturbing. Brutal. It's also brilliant. It's a film that absolutely crushes you, but shrouded in all of that darkness is a ray of light. Our hero, battered, broken and robbed of what he loved the most takes the world on his shoulders so we don't have to. There are no thank yous. No cheering crowds. In fact, he's invited hatred and scorn to do the right thing. In that moment, we feel hope rise as the screen fades to black.

2009- Star Trek

On the opposite side of the spectrum is J.J. Abrams re-boot of "Star Trek". His Trek is fun. It's optimistic. I hadn't had that much fun at a movie in years. That's not to say it's unsubstantial. It may not be deep, but it does does a variety of emotions. Simply put, it saved a franchise dangerously close to becoming irrelevant.

VHS reviews: Congo

2009-12-01T18:54:00.003-05:00

Title: Congo [1995]
Starring: Laura Linney, Dylan Walsh, Ernie Hudson and Tim Curry
Plot: A group with disparate motivations journeys into the heart of the jungle where danger lurks in every shadow.
Cost: Free[!] from the public library system
Fun VHS curiosity: The box didn't list the running time of the film.

Based on the novel by Michael Crichton, "Congo" came out two years after Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Crichton's "Jurassic Park". Certain that "Congo" would be similarly successful [After all it was even helmed by Spielberg's friend and "Indiana Jones" franchise producer, Frank Marshall], there was lots of hype complete with fast food and toy tie-ins. The movie was panned by critics and ended up being a colossal flop.

I've always been a fan of the B-movie action/adventure film genre, so I don't know why I had resisted watching "Congo" all these years. It's just one of those movies that was easy to put off until later and "later" ultimately became 14 years.

The movie has a reputation for being a giant turkey, and while it's sadly not so bad it's good, it's also not so good that it's good. The movie is just never compelling, nor fun and exciting. There's no mystery. No spirit of adventure. And the fact that you have to go on this journey with a band of rather flat and unlikeable characters [Save for Ernie Hudson's smirking turn as adventure guide Munro Kelly] is the final nail in it's coffin.

Much was made at the time of the gorillas in the film, particularly Amy, one of our "heroes". They're all products of the late, great Stan Winston and I found her [and them] satisfactorily believable. A friend of mine who went to see it back when it opened claimed that Amy looked about as much like an actual gorilla as Kermit looked like a real frog but I disagree. The special effects are overall are satisfactory, though the Jerry Goldsmith score is a derivative and lazy effort from one of my favorite composers.

When it's all said and done "Congo" is a big budget B-movie that doesn't entertain on a B-movie level nor deliver big budget thrills.

I give it four and a half "Bee kind, rewind" bees out of ten.

Things I'd like to see - Indiana Jones: The animated series

2009-09-14T02:04:00.005-04:00

This is part one of an ongoing series of rambling blogs about... things I'd like to see. It may be the return of a cartoon or toy line, the re-boot of a movie franchise or the comeback of an actor.

Today's installment tries to whip up some interest in an animated "Indiana Jones" series.

Oh, and listen to this as you read.

Time is running out on “Indy” as a live action saga, and with the results mixed [to put it mildly] with the last outing, the future of our favorite archaeologist may be as an animated character.

I gave some thought to the idea of live action prequels, but A.) I can’t see anyone else but Ford [Live action/big screen] playing Indy and B.) The last time Lucas tried the prequel thing, we got this.

Going all the way back to the 80's "Droids" and "Ewoks", "Star Wars" in animation has been primarily concerned with appealing to younger fans who came along at the tail end of the live action sagas and were now coming into their own as a force in terms of buying tie-in merchandise.

For Indy I see a more mature tone. Something made for adults that would naturally appeal to kids as well, just as the movies do. I want to take the saga and the character back to it's roots in "Raiders of the Lost Ark". There would be the same sense of fun and adventure, but without groan inducing one liners, flatulence jokes and general frivolity that have plagued the prequels and the newest "Clone Wars" cartoon.

With the tone established we need a timeline. What's great about animation is we can go anywhere we want to and Indy can be ageless. I don't like the idea of doing young Indy for a variety of reasons. For one we've already been there and another is that it could skew too close to "Jonny Quest" territory. There's plenty of room to skip around within the timeline of the films, but I really don't like that either. So for me, the ideal choice is sometime in the late 1920's. For whatever reason 1928 sounds right. That would put it seven years before the events of "Temple of Doom" [Chronologically speaking the first story of the film saga's timeline]. His birth date is given as July 1st, 1899, so this would make him 28-29. It would be a chance to see a greener and perhaps even more brash Indy.

In terms of the animation style, the 2002 revamped version of "Masters of the Universe" is what I'd go for. Apply that to the world of Indiana Jones in the late 1920's and you get a sense of what I'm thinking about.

If you were able to hire someone with a passion for the character and a vision for the show, and if they had the freedom to make it their own without meddling from Spielberg and especially Lucas, I believe that "Indiana Jones: The animated series" could be a wonderful and exciting saga that could breath new life into what has thus far been a rather untapped franchise.

VHS reviews: Action Jackson

2009-09-13T00:15:00.003-04:00

Title: Action Jackson [1988]
Starring: Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson, Vanity, Sharon Stone
Plot: Tough but urbane urban cop Jericho "Action" Jackson must discover who is trying to kill members of the auto union hierarchy. Could it be psychotic automobile magnate Peter Dellaplane? I'm not telling, but yes. Yes it is.
Cost: As part of a box of VHS movies at a garage sale last Fall. Aprox .50
Fun VHS curiosity: This is a 1998 release. By that time supporting player Sharon Stone had become an A list actress, and her image has been blown up and added as the backdrop on the cover art.

"Action Jackson" is a film that I've somehow managed to avoid lo these twenty one years. I may have seen a bit here and there over the years, but going in I had no foreknowledge of the plot [Chuckle-chuckle]. All I knew was that there was Action and Jackson, and in this case they are one and the same.

"Action Jackson" is standard 80's action fare. Lots of guns, lots of girls and not much plot. Though it's rated R, I was still taken aback at how violent the film is. It's not particularly graphic, but it's filled with lots of point blank gunfire and the body count is pretty high. And it's got the requisite 80's female nudity; A topless Vanity, and a topless and rear shot of Sharon Stone somewhat obscured in a steamy room. I've seen boobies before [Though not Vanity's] so it's nothing new, but always a nice surprise.

"Action Jackson" tries to be an action comedy, but where as films like "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Lethal Weapon" seamlessly blend action and humor, "AJ" clumsily injects it as a sorbet in between the violence.

But while the script may be weak, the acting is fairly strong. Weathers is a charismatic action lead who shows a deft comic touch. He adds a real quirky humor to his obvious physical assets. Craig T. Nelson eschews the typically hammy bad guy with an icy calm performance. Though the film's attempts to make him physically menacing are absurd, he is utterly believable as the cold blooded Dellaplane. The most surprising performance came from singer turned actress Vanity. Nothing more than a mannequin three years earlier in "The Last Dragon", she's very good as Dellaplane's junky singer mistress.

The supporting cast are fantastic, with Weather's "Predator" co-star Bill Duke giving us a fresh take on the harried police chief, Robert Davi in a great performance as an edgy contact, Thomas Wilson [Biff from "Back to the future"] as a wise ass cop, and gravel voiced Chino "Fats" Williams as former boxer Kid Sable.

The movie is pure absurdity, and though the action is loud it's not very compelling. Add in a dull plot and an amateurish script and you should have a giant turkey. However, the cast are all so game that through sheer force of will they drag you along, keep you interested and entertain you just enough to make it worth your time.

I give it five and a half "Bee kind, rewind" bees out of ten.

VHS reviews: Encino Man

2009-09-06T02:38:00.004-04:00

Title: Encino Man [1991]
Starring: Sean Astin, Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser
Plot: Two losers dig up a frozen caveman. When he unthaws, havoc ensues and the pair go along for the ride.
Cost: $1.00 at used video store
Fun VHS curiosity: The back of the box encourages you to read “Encino High: Stoney’s notebook”.

I remember renting ‘Encino Man’ back when it first hit video. It’s impact on me was like that of Indian food; quick through the system and with the same end result.

Having given it the proper eighteen year breathing room, I popped my new-used copy of ‘Encino Man’ into that wayback machine know as the VCR and headed for the 90’s bud-dy.

This movie is dumb, but in this case that’s not a bad thing. In terms of attitude and style it would make a great double feature with either of the ‘Wayne’s World’ or ‘Bill & Ted’ films. [Though it’s not as subtly intelligent as either of those films or their sequels]. ‘Encino Man’ is a movie that is basically everything that it aspires to be. It’s a vehicle for then MTV star Pauly Shore, who essentially plays his “Weasel” persona, complete with catchphrases. Your ultimate opinion of this movie may rest in your opinion of Shore himself. If you find his trippie hippie shtick amusing, then you may enjoy this movie on a brain dead level. If you don’t, you’re in for a long 88 minutes. It’s a teen comedy about losers who want to be popular, guys who pine for girls who in real life would never speak to them and about bullies getting their comeuppance. That’s it, besides a tacit lesson on “being yourself”.

Sean Astin plays a very tough to like character. Until the very end, he never exhibits any qualities that make him someone you want to root for. Shore is actually better than I was expecting. He gives a likeable performance well inside his comfort zone, but in his few “dramatic” scenes he performs admirably. The real stand out is then unknown Brendan Fraser. Though most of his lines are essentially grunts or single words, the lanky actor gives an impressive physical performance.

The script and story are quite weak, forcing the movie to rely on it’s premise and the talents of Fraser and, to a lesser extent, Shore. And the final act is really rushed, robbing it of both it’s comedic and dramatic potential.

Overall ‘Encino Man’ is a harmless little comedy with a few laughs and a bit of early 90’s nostalgia.

I give it five “Bee kind, rewind” bees out of ten.

Timidly going where many men have gone before

2009-05-07T21:42:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that my “Star” of preference is of the “Wars” variety. Still, I consider my self a somewhat more than casual, but far less than dedicated,... whatever “Star Trek” fans call themselves. Virgins I suppose. A joke. A cheap one, sure but those are my favorite kind. Relax, you’re among friends here. I love the dedication of “Trek” fans and how they often defy the labels put on them.

Ever since the box office failure of “Star Trek: Nemesis” and the troubled run of “Enterprise”, the “Trek” franchise has been on the ropes. It’s place in pop culture history more than secure, it was still on the verge of becoming irrelevant to today’s generation. Enter: J.J. Abrams.

His “Star Trek”, a re-boot of the saga, opens Friday. Though I was fairly skeptical at first, the increasingly awesome trailers and advanced buzz have me on the bandwagon. Can the new “Trek” make the franchise relevant again? Time will tell.

Before catching an opening day matinee, I thought it’d be fun to take a look back at the first ten “Star Trek” films with my world famous one paragraph reviews. Warp 5 Mr. Crusher. Engage!

STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979)

The “Trek” saga’s transition to the big screen is a bloated dud. Nothing about it really captures the spirit of the series. From the bland, pastel costumes to the flat and emotionless characterizations, it feels more like “2001” lite. A potentially interesting plot [about an old Earth probe gaining sentience] is squandered with a leaden script. The highlight is the late, great Jerry Goldsmith’s fantastic score.

4.5/10

STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN (1982)

Hands down the best work to ever carry the “Star Trek” label. “Khan” returns the franchise to it’s roots. Everything here is top notch, from the crackling script, to the direction to the performances, this is “Trek” at it’s most compelling. Back is all of the warmth, humor and daring do that made the original series such a classic. And James Horner’s score is a masterpiece.

10/10

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (1984)

Spock himself, Leonard Nimoy, takes the helm of this third installment. Picking up right where “Khan” left off, “Search for Spock” is a solid follow up and a fine feature directorial debut from Nimoy. At times it feels like it’s covering the beats of “Khan” a bit too closely, but that’s to be expected after the resounding success of the latter. I find Christopher Lloyd’s Klingon villain a bit over the top and distracting, but it doesn’t take away this worthy entry.

7/10

STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986)

After three films set in the starry confines of outer space, the crew of the Enterprise, now fugitives from Federation justice, embark on a daring time travel adventure to save the future of Earth. “Voyage” is filled with humor, wit and a dash of originality. The film’s message gets a tad heavy handed at times, but not enough to sink this bookend to what I call the “Khan” trilogy.

7.5/10

STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989)

Helmed by the Captain himself, William Shatner, “Frontier” has a few interesting ideas that are wasted in a script lacking, ironically, logic. But despite a derivative and recycled score, shoddy special effects and a weak story, it manages to entertain on a basic level.

5/10

STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991)

This final installment from the classic “Trek” crew is a classy and clever finale. Like it’s aging crew, “Country” moves a bit slower than it’s predecessors but it more than makes up for it with a smart script and expert direction. With it’s blend of clever allegory, mystery and action, the sixth and final screen voyage of the vintage U.S.S. Enterprise crew is not to be missed.

8/10

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (1994)

The “Next Generation” crew make their big screen debut in this beautiful but clunky effort. The script and story are weak [Take out the plot involving members of the old Enterprise crew and you’d have a decent two-part episode of “The Next Generation”], but the film’s biggest problem may be the specter of the previous crew hanging over them. The film never quite feels like it belongs to the new crew, and the attempt to hand of the baton is almost cringe worthy.

5.5/10

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (1996)

The “Next Generation” takes a page from the old “Trek” playbook and brings in their signature foe, the menacing Borg. Helmed by cast member Jonathan Frakes, this is the best entry in the Next-Gen saga by far. The script gives each member of the crew their own little section of turf to call their own [Much as Nimoy’s “Trek” helmed films did]. With wit, humor and tension to spare, “First Contact” takes it’s place in the upper echelon of “Trek” films.

7.5/10

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION (1998)

Small in scope and scale, “Insurrection” never the less manages to entertain. It’s not the most ambitious film, but the plot [Involving the famous “Prime directive”] is an interesting one. Like “Generations” it has a bit more of an episodic two-parter feel, but it accomplishes everything it’s modest ambitions set out to accomplish.

6/10

STAR TREK: NEMESIS (2002)

Muddled, poorly conceived and executed send off of the “Next Generation” crew is a huge let down. Everyone save for Patrick Stewart seems bored here and they’re not alone. Though the end manages to squeeze a few emotions from us, they’re not earned by this film but rather by the previous exploits of the outstanding series and it’s cinematic predecessors.

4/10

The scent of cheapness

2009-01-14T23:05:00.003-05:00

Bachelor on a budget 1: Body sprays

This is the first part of what could become a series of posts on how to be a swinging bachelor on a budget. What do I know about this? Absolutely nothing. But when has that ever stopped me before?

We’ve all seen the commercials for “Body sprays” that promise to make you irresistible to women. In them an average looking guy gives himself a few blasts of the potent spray and suddenly he’s being tackled by supermodels. Not bad for under $5.00, right?

I’ve heard a few women dismiss these commercials as sexist, but I have another theory. I believe they were created by women as a way to weed out cheap men. Think about it, thousands upon thousands of cheap-ass guys are essentially wearing scratch and sniff “Hello, I earn minimum wage” tags. Now the discerning female has another weapon in her rejecto-arsenal.

But what about the sprays themselves? Do they really make the ladies crazy or do they simply attract flies? In Part 1 of my series “Bachelor on a budget” I take a look at three prominent body spray lines; AXE, TAG and RGX.

FIELD STUDY

About a year ago I had a crush on a female co-worker. I wanted to try and get her attention with a little spit and polish to the ‘ol image but my wallet was thinner than Nicole Richie on a three month Tic-Tac diet. So what’s a guy to do? Well head to the citadel of cheapness, of course. Wal-Mart. There I was, standing next to another cheap-ass trying to smell the various body sprays without actually spraying them. My fellow skinflint didn’t let a little thing like not having purchased them keep him from tooting each and every spray at least twice. Satisfied, he nodded at me and grabbed a can of AXE “Phoenix” and walked away.

Now I was alone. For ten minutes I sniffed. Finally I settled on can of TAG “All nighter” [mostly because it was a dollar cheaper than AXE]. Plus I thought all-nighter sounded promising. Who doesn’t want an all nighter? Sounds better than "Phoenix". Honestly, who wants to smell like a mythical flaming bird? Did he ever get laid? Doubt it.

After two weeks of wearing "All nighter" I hadn’t once been tackled by any females nor had I had any “All nighters”. I vowed not to be so cheap the next time. I would pony up and get the good stuff. AXE.

I ended up buying a can of AXE “Vice”. I wasn’t sure what a “Vice” was supposed to smell like. Addiction? A device in a wood shop? Don Johnson? Or God forbid... Philip Michael Thomas!? "Vice" ended up being a slightly better choice than "All nighter" [which in retrospect smelled like hand soap from a Waffle house bathroom] but I still wasn’t being attacked by roving bands of horny co-eds.

Because I believe in the Thomas Edison quote “I didn’t fail. I just figured out 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb.”. I vowed to keep trying, even if by the time I was done I could’ve simply bought one bottle of decent cologne, damn it I was going to find a good smelling body spray. I wouldn’t have to try 997 more times.

I used Google for something other than looking up free porn and discovered that of the few [female] people who had posted opinions on body sprays, most preferred one by AXE called “Kilo”. Kilo. Vice. Does anybody see a pattern here? I didn’t know AXE was manufactured in Columbia. Anyway, I went straight to Wally World and picked up a can of "Kilo". I brought it home and killed a little of the ozone layer [so 1980’s anyway] and lo and behold it smelled... good. Darn good. Not at all like the others I had tried. With great excitement I began wearing it to work and while the tackling super models never came, the compliments on how I smelled did. Yes even from the girl I had a crush on, but she claimed it was my laundry detergent. And no, she and I never hooked up. Yeah that’s what I’m guessing too. Probably a lesbian.

I wore "Kilo" for the next 6 months or so [going through about a can a month] before burning out on it. For the next few months I tried almost every scent across the AXE line with no success. Finally a two for one deal at Wal-Mart convinced me to give RGX a try and what a revelation. I got a combination of “Rush” and “Chill”. Unlike AXE and TAG, which smell really nothing like cologne and every bit like what they are, these RGX scents mimic the clean, crisp colognes like “Polo Sport” and “Cool Water”. Now I’m not saying they smell like them, but they’re more reminiscent of them. And they’re almost a dollar cheaper than AXE.

A REVIEW

TAG: I only tried “All nighter”. It has a phony, cheap tang to it that promises that you won’t be getting any phony, cheap tang from it. - RATING: 1.5/4

AXE: AXE [called Lynx in the U.K.] is probably the most well known of the body sprays and it does offer a few decent options.

“Kilo” If you’re going to buy AXE, this is the one to get. It worked quite well for a friend of mine. - RATING: 3/4

“Vice” Sort of at the opposite end of the spectrum, smell-wise from “Kilo”, it’s not a bad choice though it does have a high school vibe to it. – RATING: 2.5/4

“Phoenix”, “Tsunami” and “Essence” All are lesser versions of “Vice”. Better than B.O., but they aint gettin’ ya laid unless you’re a high school sophomore, and even then she’s not going to be the head cheerleader. – RATING: 2/4

“Vetyver” This is a newer line from AXE called “Proximity” that promises a more subtle fragrance. Vetyver at least delivers that, though it smells a bit too much like the inside of a new car. - RATING: 2/4

RXG: Both “Chill” and “Rush” have similar scents, but “Rush” has a bit more of a spicy kick. Of the two I prefer “Chill” just a tad more, though both are very good for what they are. RATING: 3/4

There are at least two other body sprays you will encounter on the market; BOD MAN and one made by OLD SPICE. I’ve never tried them so I can’t comment on their worthiness, however in the case of BOD MAN the packaging is... well, judge for your self.

http://www.parfumsdecoeur.com/Catalog.aspx?SC=174

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

- Like cologne, the scent doesn’t last all day. AXE makes “bullets”, or mini sprays that fit nicely in your pocket. If you have a locker at work or have a long evening planned, take the bottle with you so you can refresh after a few hours.

- These sprays are nice for guys on a budget. Unless you’re a corporate exec, most women won’t expect you to be wearing a $100 dollar a bottle cologne at the grocery. They just want you to smell clean. If you’re under the age of 20, they’re fine for dates and the like but for the rest of us don’t wear them on a fist date.

- If you’re over 40, you might not be able to get away with wearing AXE. Heck, even 30 is pushing it. RGX is acceptable right on up through the Depends years. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Wilford Brimley pimping this stuff in an AARP print ad some day soon.

THE COMMERCIALS

These body sprays are mostly known for their commercials, all of which promise that hot chicks will not be able to keep their hands off of you.

AXE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgxxAwue7Fs

TAG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws87MmTlIz8

RGX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt6s7EqSEr4

-
Happy hunting, bachelors

Battle of the "Slasher" icons!

2008-10-28T23:14:00.005-04:00

With Halloween right around the corner, I thought that it would be fun [fun may be a poor choice of words] to choose the ultimate movie “Slasher”. I guess I could’ve used scientific criteria such as box office totals and opinion polls or anecdotal evidence such as cultural impact but that would require research.

JASON VS FREDDY VS MICHAEL

NAME

JASON VORHEES: Jason = Not scary. Voorhees = Scarier than a picture of Wilford Brimley tea bagging Bea Arthur

FREDDY KRUEGER: Sounds like a German male stripper

MICHAEL MYERS: Conjures up images of pale Canadian Comedians

ADVANTAGE: JASON – While German strippers are scary, and Mike Meyers last few movies were horr[or]ible the name Voorhees alone makes me shit my pants

LOOK

JASON: Hockey goalie meets Jiffy Lube attendant

FREDDY: Burnt hot dog dressed like a homeless man

MICHAEL: Albino William Shatner meets Jiffy Lube attendant

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – The only thing scarier than a Jiffy Lube attendant [Seriously, who knows what they’re doing under there?] is a Jiffy Lube attendant with William Shatner’s head

PERSONALITY

JASON: The strong silent type

FREDDY: Game show host

MICHAEL: The strong silent type

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – Everyone can agree that game show hosts are terrifying. Have you ever watched ‘Deal or no deal’?

WEAPON OF CHOICE

JASON: Machete

FREDDY: Claw-glove

MICHAEL: Kitchen knife

ADVANTAGE: FREDDY – It was close between the glove and Jason’s machete but something about the latter made me feel Jason was compensating for something

HOME FIELD

JASON: Woodsy Camp Crystal lake

FREDDY: Suburban Springwood, Ohio

MICHAEL: Suburban Haddonfield, Illinois

ADVANTAGE: JASON – Sure suburban Ohio can be a little scary [Trust me, I know] but Jason’s turf doesn’t have indoor plumbing

BACK STORY

JASON: Mentally challenged, inbred forest dweller with Mommy issues

FREDDY: Bastard son of a thousand maniacs who grows up to become a child molesting factory worker

MICHAEL: Soulless, black-eyed vessel of pure evil with Sister issues

ADVANTAGE: MICHAEL – Hard to top a cute little kid who one day suddenly snaps and becomes a mass murderer

And the winner is...

A 3-way tie!

Truth be told, I could’ve broken the tie but I don’t want any of these dudes showing up at my house tonight!

Happy Halloween!

Revisiting 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

2008-10-17T22:27:00.004-04:00

It seems like it was only last week that I was walking out of the six o'clock showing of Indiana Jones' long awaited fourth adventure. In reality it was almost five months ago; May 22nd [My birthday]. That evening, as I got into my car, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. I guess seeing the return of one of the real significant icons of my youth combined with turning thirty four just made me pensive. Naturally I wrote a review for this blog, and the first draft was much different than the one I ultimately posted. It was full of big themes and deep thoughts [or at least as deep as I'm capable of]. I ended up giving the movie a very mixed review, and a 6.5/10 rating

http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2008/05/indiana-jones-kingdom-of-crystal-skull.html.

As the months passed, I debated; did I rate the film too high based on nostalgia and my love for the character or were my expectations too high and thus the film underrated. Having now re-watched it, I can say that it's the former. It's not without it's moments, but they're undone by a bad script, a plodding pace and too much cheap computer wizardry.

So what went wrong? I don't have the desire to beat up on Lucas and Spielberg anymore [especially after what 'South Park' did to them] so instead I'll tell you what I would've done differently. And yeah, I know it's easy to Monday morning quarterback. This is a friendly critique from someone who has loved this character for 27 years.

HOW DO YOU FIX INDY? JUST ADD A LITTLE 'KHAN'

While I was re-watching 'KOTCS', it hit me that it was very similar in it's basic dynamics to 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'. In that movie, an aging James Kirk has given up a life of adventure for life behind a desk because that's what society has told him he should do. Of course he's miserable. In the midst of this mid life crisis, he's called into back action. Before long he meets his old flame, Carol Marcus. She was the love of his life, but he chose duty and adventure instead. He is also introduced to a young man, later revealed to be his son. Kirk sees the life he could have had. Now he feels old and alone. Add into the mix an enemy from his past and the death of a close friend and you have all the depth and pathos needed for a stirring story.

In my opinion, 'WOK' should've served as the template for 'KOTCS'. While the latter dealt with those issues, it did so superficially. Yes Mutt makes a few jokes about Indy's age, and Indy and Stanforth talk about "reaching a point where life stops giving you things and starts taking them away" but it's all fluff. What should've been the driving force of the story [along with the relationship with his son and Marion] are nothing more than gags.

With that said, here's what I would've done. The object or "McGuffin" is less important to me here than the story around it; much like the Holy Grail was in 'The Last Crusade'. I didn't mind the Crystal Skulls and in fact I think they could've been a great McGuffin. They just needed a better script and story around them.

So, without further ado...

-- Begin with the obligatory opening prologue/action sequence. Here Indy finds himself outmatched by a much younger rival. Someone who reminds him of his younger self, only without the ethics [think Belloq, but more handy with his fists]. The younger man takes the prize and Indy limps home, defeated.

-- When he arrives, he finds that his dear friend Marcus Brody has died. Coupled with his recent defeat, Indy begins to feel his best days are behind him.

-- A young man approaches Indy after Brody's funeral. The young stranger tries to entice Indy to aid him find [insert McGuffin here]. Indy tells the kid he's not interested. The kid then drops the bombshell. I'm your son and Marion has been captured by those seeking the McGuffin.

-- Indy agrees to help the kid and they set off. The two are as different as they can be. The younger man is more like the grandfather he never knew. Studious. Serious. Thoughtful. The two clash. Indy continues to doubt himself and soon they realize that they are in a race against Indy's younger rival with the Soviets in tow.

-- Indy and his son find and rescue Marion in the middle of the second act. This allows more time for them to reconcile their feelings in an adult fashion rather than through painfully bad quips in the middle of action sequences.

-- In the end, Indy must confront his doubts and in the process re-discovers his mojo, earns the love and respect of his son and rides off into the sunset with his girl.

THE END?

There have been rumblings recently that Lucas is in "think mode" for 'Indy V'. If it happens [and in despite all I've said, I hope it does] much of what I've proposed is useless. The only theme that is still relevant is aging and being bested by a younger rival. It's still a strong starting point in my opinion. Regardless of what they do, I'll be there with my popcorn and hoping for the best.

Pop farts 3: Silent but deadly

2008-10-08T21:26:00.004-04:00

Nothing in the world of pop culture really caught my eye, so it's all reviews this week. A movie, a CD and a book! Hold your nose and read on...

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

'Vision quest' - I'd seen bits and pieces of this 1986 Matthew Modine wrestling opus before, but never the whole thing at once. It's a pretty standard 80's teen sports flick. Young high school wrestler Louden Swain [Modine] wants to drop down in weight so that he can face off against the state's best wrestler. Nobody understands why he wants to do this [if they did, we'd have no movie]. Heck, even Louden really doesn't know why. He's on an Odyssey. A Vision quest if you will. But a beautiful monkey wrench threatens to foul up Louden's plans when a young artist [Linda Fiorentino] ends up staying with Louden and his father [the underused Ronny Cox]. He [of course] falls head over Asics for her but she is resistant. Could it be because she's 21 and he's only 18? Or maybe it's because Louden is a freaking whack job. That's the biggest problem with the whole movie. Our central character/hero is painfully annoying. It's impossible to believe that Fiorentino's character would fall for him. The film does have some positives, including a solid 80's soundtrack and some really interesting side characters, but it's all undone by a hero that's tough to root for. - 5.5/10

NEW MUSIC

'The block' - The fact that I fancy myself a bit of a New Kids on the block fan is already out of the bag, so what the heck. I picked up their new album "The block" this week and I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. The "Kids" enlisted quite an A list of talent [Akon, Ne-Yo, Lady GaGa, New Edition and the Pussycat Dolls] and the result is an album that sounds contemporary in the best sense of the word. The one complaint I would have is that the dance oriented album lacks a nice power ballad. Otherwise it's top drawer stuff. Highlights include "Click click click", "Big girl now", "Summertime", "Dirty dancing", "Full service" & "Put it on my tab". Welcome back, gentelmen. Well done. - 8/10

The video for "Summertime"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25qiZy7vmqY

"Click click click"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR8Ef3Cj4Tw

BOOK REVIEW

'The Force unleashed' - Lucasfilm tries out yet another multi-media release stunt and this time succeeds. Sean Williams' 'The Force unleashed' is one of the best examples of Star Wars "Expanded universe" that I've ever read. The plot [which takes place in the years between Episodes III & IV] ] involves Darth Vader's "secret apprentice". He is trained to eliminate enemies of the Empire, which now include rogue Jedi. Along with Juno Eclipse, a beautiful female Imperial pilot, and his faithful droid, PROXY, he sets off on his mission to eliminate famed Jedi Rahm Kota. But that's only the beginning. Interesting, if not unique, gimmick by showing much of the story from the point of view of the "bad guy". Hype aside, it's a good read and a solid addition to the increasingly bloated Star Wars canon. - 8/10

Pop farts 2: The Dumbpire strikes back

2008-10-03T23:31:00.005-04:00

Hold your breath, here's the latest dose of Pop farts!

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

'Rambo' - Stallone brings back his other iconic franchise in a blaze of blood and guts. It goes over the top at times [no, Rambo doesn't arm wrestle the enemy... sadly] but combined with straightforward, economical storytelling, it works better than it should. Not a classic, but not a disposable action flick either. - 6.5/10

'Iron Man' - The Summer's other comic book blockbuster is a solid origin story that shows a lot of promise for what's to come. While I didn't like it as much everyone else seemed to, it did improve on it's second viewing. The cast is solid, especially Robert Downey Jr., and the special f/x are often spectacular. The final showdown is a bit lackluster [a lot like the 'Spider-Man' movies] but overall it's a solid piece of entertainment. 7.5/10

ODDS AND ENDS

The "CW" network is set to produce 'The Graysons', a TV series about the life of Dick Grayson before he begins his partnership with Batman. So basically it's about Dick when he was small [Pause... continue]. I guess they're going for a 'Smallville' thing here, but the difference is Clark Kent was a kid with super powers from another planet. Dick Grayson was an acrobat. He doesn't become even remotely interesting until his parents are killed and he joins up with Bruce Wayne. I'll hold off on judging this one until more details emerge but so far it sounds like this Dick will suck.

And speaking of Batman, 'The Dark Knight' is set to hit stores on December 9th. It's going to be a long two months.

THE IDIOT BOX

'The Clone Wars' animated series debuted this week with back to back episodes. I thought that the movie was much better than it's reception [and this is from a confirmed prequel hater], and the series shows great promise. It could be tough to maintain the drama, especially since the audience knows that our main heroes and villains aren't in any peril in this part of the storyline, but it could be a fun, rock 'em sock 'em 1/2 hour and that's okay too [dee too] - 7.5/10

NEW MUSIC

The theme for the latest Bond film, 'Quantum of solace' [I don't know either, folks] is out. "Another way to die" is by Jack White [of 'The White stripes'] and Alicia Keys [of 'Alicia Keys']. It took a few dozen listens before it finally hooked me. That said, I wouldn't rank it in the upper echelon of Bond themes, but it's better than 'Moonraker'. Then again the sound of sand paper on a rusty nail is better than the theme from 'Moonraker'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uf_ffbi0uWg

Until next time...

Pop farts

2008-09-28T18:32:00.008-04:00

After a long Summer hiatus [which means break... I looked it up] I'm back with a new feature called 'Pop farts'. It's basically just me musing about things that have caught my eye in the world of pop culture of late. It may include movie news, reviews or any other random stupidity. In other words, what I normally blog about.
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COMING SOON TO DVD
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September 30th we get some "Iron" in our diets as John Favreau's Summer blockbuster 'Iron Man' hits stores.
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October 14th brings the release of two titles of interest.
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'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' - Relive the soul crushing disappointment in the comfort of your own home!
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Special features include "How to ruin a franchise" - Master storywrecker George Lucas shows you how he destroyed two of the most iconic franchises in cinema history. - "It's all just a big bag of shit" - Go behind the scenes for the making of 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'. - "Polishing a turd" - Follow the post production process as Steven Spielberg and company put the finishing touches on the film - "Regurgitation: Scoring 'The Crystal Skull' " - Join John Williams and the London Symphony orchestra as they try to drown out the dialog from the film. - Rated PG-13 for scenes of intense CGI monkey business, atomic refrigerators and Shia LaBeouf.
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'Silverhawks: Season 1, Volume 1' - The classic 80's cartoon finally makes it's debut on DVD.
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QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS
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'Never back down' - Typical 'Karate Kid' clone, but updated for a new generation [so get ready for shitty music, lesbian make out scenes and guys with their shirts off]. There really isn't anything resembling real drama or emotion here, which would be forgivable if it at least entertained on a superficial level, which it doesn't. Even the fights are lame. Only Cam Gigandet as the villain really rises above the material. - 3.5/10
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'Spacehunter: Adventures in the forbidden zone' - I caught this early 80's B sci-fi flick for the first time since I watched it on Cinemax back when it debuted. Rambling and often incoherent [like my blog] the film does have a few saving graces. The legs of tragically underused android "Chalmers", Michael Ironside as the villain "Overdog" [I know, I know] and... that's about it. Best remembered for being one of Molly Ringwald's earliest appearances and for originally being in 3-D [as seemingly every bad movie in 1983 was. Maybe it was a law]. - 3.5/10
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NEW MUSIC
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I feel about new music the way Indiana Jones feels about snakes "I hate 'em, Jock!". But one of my favorite bands, 'Oasis', has a new album coming out and their new single 'Shock of the lightning' from the album 'Dig out your soul' is fantastic.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87IQhui_Yy8
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THE IDIOT BOX: NEW 'KNIGHT RIDER' DEBUTS
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If you thought the movie was bad... you were right. And the show isn't any better I'm afraid. This thing is a mis-fire on every level. Not even nostalgia can hold it together. I'd rather go to Jiffy Lube and watch them perform oil changes for an hour than watch this again. - 2/10

That's it for now. I'll likely continue to refine this 'Pop farts' format, so hang with me!

The 'Pirate Movie' shivers me timbers!

2008-08-08T02:00:00.005-04:00

Arrr! Sorry, I just wanted to get that out of the way right at the beginning. Won’t happen again, matey.

Avast ye land lubbers! I’m back with another salty sea tale fer ya! In this blogisode of ‘Project re-wind’ I take a look at 1982’s ‘The Pirate movie’, an “Update” of the musical ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

"PIRATES" OF THE PERINEUM
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Usually Project re-wind is reserved for 80’s movies that I haven’t seen before, but since it’s been 26 years I figured seeing ‘The Pirate Movie’ would be like watching it for the first time; and it was.

I went into the movie with low expectations, much the same way my parents must have approached raising me. The film begins with shirtless men and a thumping 80’s rock tune [AKA a typical Saturday night at my house]. After this rousing start, we’re dropped into modern times... well, 1982. Here we meet Mable, a shy girl who looks a lot like Kristy McNichol dressed up like Garth from ‘Wayne’s World’. She and a bevy of bikini clad babes are watching Fredric [Christopher Atkins] show off his swordsmanship in a low rent Pirate show. After the show, Fredric invites the girls for a ride in his boat, including Mable, to whom he is drawn [remember, it IS Kristy McNichol under all that flannel].

Alas Mable is c-blocked by the bikini clad girls and ends up being knocked unconscious and left on shore. She falls into a deep dream and we are whisked backwards in time.

Here, Fredric is a young Pirate apprentice. An orphan, he has been raised at sea by the Pirate King [Ted Hamilton, in a show stealing performance]. Young Fredric has just fulfilled his contract, and feels an urge to do something more virtuous than pirating. After he is forced to walk the plank, he washes ashore and meets Mable, now a beautiful young princess. The two fall head over heels in love, but there’s a catch. Mable is the youngest of her siblings and can’t get married until her older sisters do.

To circumvent this, she and Fredric hatch a scheme to find her father’s [The Modern Major General] long lost treasure. Using her feminine whiles Mable seduces the Pirate King, who has a map to said treasure on his back. The kids find the treasure, and all seems well until the Pirate King and his men show up. It is here that young Fredric learns that he is still under oath to serve the Pirate King [due to technicality in their contract]. The duty bound Fredric reluctantly joins forces with the King and it is up to Mable to save her people.

So, can Mable defeat the Pirate King? Will Fredric learn that love is more important than duty? Oh, I won’t spoil it for you, but yes.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Atkins and McNichol are a little out of their depth [Pun! Oh how I love them], but the rest of the cast is top notch. And McNichol looks great, so who cares?

The movie is filled with some premium grade-A cheese, including the opening theme ‘Victory’ and Atkins’ crooning of ‘How can I live without her’.

‘How can I live without her’ – Starts slow [and sounds like 70’s Euro porn music at first], but wait for it to kick in @ about 40 seconds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anO5KG0Uov4

‘Victory!’ – Hold on to your decks, mateys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYMqQXv01Rg

THE BOTTOM LINE
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I thoroughly enjoyed ‘The Pirate Movie’. It’s dumb and cheesy and hopelessly dated, but then again so am I. The cast all seem to be having a good time and as a result I did too. - 7/10

"Dark" Knight indeed

2008-07-18T21:43:00.005-04:00

I just got back from seeing 'The Dark Knight' and you'll have to forgive me if I have trouble putting the experience into words [but what words I manage will remain spoiler free].

Coming into this Summer I had two films that were "must sees"; 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' and 'The Dark Knight'. The former was a disappointment [see link at the end of this review] but the latter exceeded all of my expectations. This in spite of the fact that it was not at all what I was expecting.

I consider 'Batman begins' to be the finest "comic book" movie of all time. A masterpiece. A film that I currently place 6th among my all-time favorites. With that in mind, 'The Dark Knight' could've been a huge letdown. Though 'Begins' is often criticized for not being "fun enough" or for taking itself too serious [Why so serious?], in comparison to 'The Dark Knight', it feels far more conventional.
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While 'Begins' is famous for injecting "reality" into the comic genre and for eschewing CGI in favor of more practical elements, it still featured elements of heightened reality such as the mono-rail sequence. It also had the "Narrows" sets, which though well done, still looked like sets. There's none of that here. The action all takes place within the city and it's all real. It gives the film a totally different feel and mojo. You never, not for one second, think this is taking place on a sound stage somewhere because for the most part it isn't. It also dares to set some of the action in the light of day.

Most of the buzz surrounding 'The Dark Knight' has involved Heath Ledger's performance as 'The Joker'; and for good reason. It's everything the hype claimed it to be and more. His Joker is truly frightening and utterly remorseless. But, like Ra's al Ghul before him, The Joker has motives. He justifies his cruelty by claiming to be shinning a light on societal hypocrisy. He not only forces Batman, but also new gung-ho DA Harvey Dent, the police force and ultimately the citizens of Gotham themselves through his sick gamut.

The rest of the cast is outstanding. Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman see their roles expanded and as you would imagine from two of the world's finest actors, they excel. Maggie Gyllenhaal steps in for Katie Holmes and proves to be an upgrade [not hard, I know]. Christian Bale and the venerable Michael Caine are back and brilliant. Caine is, as before, the rock and Bale further layers his duel role as Bruce Wayne and Batman. And then there's Aaron Eckhart. If not for Ledger it would be his turn as Harvey Dent/Two-Face that would be generating the buzz. In so many ways, this story is actually about him.

This is an emotionally hard hitting film, rich in drama and punctuated by thrilling action sequences [though none, save one, have quite the juice of the ones from 'Begins' IMO]. It's also quite tragic. The hopeful tone of the first film's ending is torn asunder here. The last two minutes of 'The Dark Knight' are moving, tragic and poetic in a way I haven't seen on film since perhaps 'The Fellowship of the ring'. I think that not only will Ledger get an Oscar nod, but so too will the screenplay, the director and the film itself.

We can only hope that co-writer/director Christopher Nolan and company give us the third film that 'The Dark Knight's' ending promises.

The bottom line: A masterpiece. Not to be missed. - 10/10

Previously - http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2008/05/indiana-jones-kingdom-of-crystal-skull.html

Star (Wars) chaser: The Legend of Orin (Luke)

2008-07-11T03:57:00.005-04:00

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why it’s a new edition of my award winning ‘Project re-wind’! This time around I take a look at the 1985 animated film ‘Starchaser: The Legend of Orin’.

I’d never heard of ‘Starchaser: The Legend of Orin’ [‘Skirt-chaser: The Legend of Anthony’, yes. ‘Starchaser: The Legend of Orin’, no] , but looked it up on the recommendation of a friend. After a little research I realized that it was perfect for project re-wind so I rented it, grabbed some Lee’s famous recipe chicken and settled in for some retro goodness.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A young man takes up a special sword, joins forces with a cocky space pirate, a princess and a fussy robot and takes down a cape-wearing galactic evil-doer with the help of a ghostly spiritual guide. Yep, it’s the exact same storyline as ‘Mannequin 2: On the move’.

Of course I’m actually talking about ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’. If you’re going to steal, steal from the best. What ‘Starchaser’ lacks in originality, however, it makes up for in quality. It’s apparent that the makers were intent on telling an actual story and not selling toys.

The animation style is very reminiscent of Don Bluth and the tone and tenor are not unlike that of the 2000 animated film ‘Titan A.E.’. The score is equal parts bombastic space opera and Meco’s ‘Space Disco’ version of the ‘Star Wars’ theme.

Parallels (Stuff blatantly ripped-off) between ‘Starchasrer’ and ‘Star Wars’

Let’s face it, I could save us both a lot of time by telling you what was different about these films...

Hmmmm...

Uhhhh...

Let’s see here...

Okay, got one. ‘Starchaser’ didn’t have a character named Greedo

What I liked

Solid animation

Mature storytelling

Fun score

What I didn’t like

Anti-climactic final showdown

Appalling lack of female nudity [I could say this about most movies]

It’s popular to ask “What did we learn?” so here goes

George Lucas’ lawyers were asleep at the switch in 1985

Aerobic headbands were still in fashion in this galaxy in 1985 -- “Let’s get physical. Physical!”

Computers and robots... sassy.

It’s probably not a good idea to arm your slaves with laser-drills. I’m just saying, Overlord Zygon. A little FYI.

The bottom line – The Force is with this solidly made 80’s pastiche. - 7/10

10 great cartoon themes revisited!

2008-06-24T23:32:00.007-04:00

A few months ago, millions of you read my award winning blog '10 great cartoon themes'...

http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2008/03/10-great-cartoon-themes.html

Of course that list is perfect [like it's humble author] but I felt compelled to pass along a recent discovery, 'The adventures of the Galaxy Rangers'. Somehow this cartoon had slipped by me for 21 years. I don't have any memory of it at all. Well recently I stumbled upon it's intro on youtube and got those chills only 80's cartoon themes can give you.

It's classic 80's, with an announcer and his booming voice giving us a thumbnail of the back story before a driving rock theme kicks in. "No Guts, no glory!". It's great! But it doesn't end there! The outro [end credits] is a totally different theme "Rangers are forever" and it too has a black belt in kickassery.

The series is out on DVD [Season 1 now, Season 2 this fall] and I plan on making up for lost time. Until then...

Intro

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx-OGP0vrKk&feature=related

Outro

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvWtI4NZjTI

And this one is for rebelwookiee. I gave 'Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors' a shot and you know what? I liked it! Again, another one I just didn't watch the first time around. I had seen the intro, but I didn't appreciate it until I watched the DVD. So, this one's for you. "There's a power that comes from deep inside of you!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1c1G24GWDg

And coming soon, my review of the 80's cartoon 'Starchaser: The legend of Orin'

Guilty pleasure songs: Hair metal edition

2008-05-27T23:43:00.004-04:00

Hair metal. Glam rock. Pop metal. It goes by many names and has many definitions.

I wasn’t into the rock scene as a kid. That kind of music was for kids who wore black concert t-shirts, smoked in the bathroom and worshiped the almighty Satan, Prince of darkness [may he rule forever upon his crimson throne!]. Just kidding.

I had a friend who got into it when we reached our teens and so I absorbed a lot of this by osmosis [lots of ‘Head bangers ball’, much to my dismay]. Today I look back fondly on the “Hair” era as yet another part of those fantastic 80’s and I’ve gained a belated appreciation for some of it’s music.

For those about to rock, we salute you.

Seventeen – Winger

Even I hate me for liking this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZHVkJ1wVFM&feature=related

On a shocking note, I chose ‘Seventeen’ from a list of four potential Winger songs. The others...

Miles away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI10SMxBjMg&feature=related

Can’t get enuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xqwcYK3A4c&feature=related

Easy come, easy go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiHTQoyuBkQ&feature=related

Naughty Naughty – Danger Danger

The group's other big hit was called ‘Bang bang’. I believe that I detect a pattern here. I’ve never been to a strip club, but I imagine this is the kind of song they, um, “dance” to there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgvoSwUoaQE

The final countdown – Europe

This song is a musical jetpack!... I don’t even know what that means. It sounded good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZkllM8znx4

Nothin’ But a Good Time – Poison

I’m not even going to try and justify this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMqjGywYOI8

Still of the night – Whitesnake

I’m sorry, but this song rocks. Extra points for playing the guitar like a violin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqb5EcU65IQ

You give love a bad name – Bon Jovi

I probably could’ve chosen any Bon Jovi song, as they’re all catchy and equally embarrassing... well, maybe not equally. Better ‘You give love a bad name’ than ‘Bed of roses’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GccfzxHIXaY

Under the radar special!

I’ll see you in my dreams – Giant

This one got brief top 40 radio play in my area when it came out, but then quickly faded away. It’s a shame too because it’s a great song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iug0X6cJDDM
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Guilty pleasure songs: Boy band edition

2008-05-26T00:20:00.007-04:00

Guilty pleasure or total embarrassment? We shall soon see...

A few weeks ago I found out that the 80’s boy band ‘New kids on the block’ were making a comeback. Of course now they’re more like ‘Old dudes on the corner’.

When I was a teenager, ‘NKOTB’ were huge with the girls in my school. Like most guys I publicly stated my hatred for them on a regular basis. Secretly however I actually liked some of their music. I even got my ear pierced because a girl I had a crush on thought it looked good on the ‘New kids’. It didn’t work for this ‘kid’ and I soon took it out.

In the 90’s, after the Grunge and Gansta rap era faded away, boy bands came back in a big way. Again I said I hated them [and this time I meant it], but they made some darn catchy tunes.

The other day a guy I work with was jamming to some syrupy pop tune. I asked him who it was and he said “The Jonas brothers”. I had never heard of them. Anyway, this very masculine and hetero guy proclaimed his love for them without shame. In that regard he’s one step ahead of me. I have much shame and I lay it bare now for you today... Oh girl.
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Step by step – New Kids on the block

This song was ubiquitous on radio in the Summer of 1990; the Summer I turned 16. The best Summer of my childhood... Yes, there was a girl involved. There's always a girl involved. She broke my heart too. I guess I had the 'Wrong stuff' so she 'Step by stepped' to a football player.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ5eZSa7URA

You got it [The right stuff] - New kids on the block

Somewhere John Glenn is throwing up.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmz8ygxruoc
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Ooh it’s kinda crazy – Souldecision

Lesser known group sort of came on at the end of the late 90’s fad. Whole album is pretty solid. Yep, I’ve actually listened to it... and I may have bought it too.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HutUgdEdtaI
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Larger than life – Back Street Boys
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B-cuz I’m larger than life, yo [someone please stop me].
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uewJN__RykY
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Tearin’ up my heart – 'N Sync
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I can still remember the embarrassment when I bought this single.
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Bye bye bye – 'N Sync

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JoJqID-wJY
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See above.
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Me + U = Us [Calculus] – 2gether
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2gether was an MTV comedy show about a fictional boy band. They actually put out a couple of albums and had some success. The show and the music were pretty funny.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEKWZk16N_w
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Hardest part of breaking up [Is getting back your stuff] – 2gether
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Aint it the truth?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRFS7ktzMWM
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Bonus!
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Okay, not technically a boy band but far more embarrassing than all of them combined... I give you Invisible by Clay Aiken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wcNl7ivwOo

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go do something manly. I think I'll eat raw meat, watch Rambo and maybe kill something.

Until next time... Bye, bye, bye.

Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Or how I spent my 34th birthday

2008-05-22T23:51:00.008-04:00

I’ve waited most of life for either a ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Indiana Jones’ film to open on my birthday. ‘The Empire strikes back’ [my favorite movie of all time] came closest, May 21st 1980. With ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ it finally happened.

I’ve been planning this for months. I’d get the cake and presents shenanigans out of the way quickly then head to the theater... alone. I always see these movies [‘Star Wars’, ‘Indy’] alone first. I like to get lost in the movie without any distractions. Needless to say, my friends don’t get it.

Setting the scene

I arrived about 15 minutes before the movie began. I walked in, gave the kid my ticket and started down a hallway toward my theater. About half way there, a middle aged man came out of the ‘Crystal Skull’ theater. He was decked out in full Indy gear. Hat, jacket, the works. I tried to establish eye contact so that I could give him a smile and a thumbs up but he shyly kept his head down. Oh, and he had some device on him that played the ‘Raider’s march’ on a loop. I smiled so hard it hurt.

The theater was only about half full, not surprising given that it was a Thursday and many people are either waiting for the holiday weekend or feared it would be too crowded. There was a applause at the Lucasfilm logo and when the credits came up there was more applause. Not thunderous applause, but applause none the less.

I’ll save you a blow by blow description of what happened in between, and instead will give you a [mostly] spoiler free ‘What worked/what didn’t work’ from my perspective.

What worked

Nostalgia. ‘Crystal Skull’ gets a lot of mileage out of our affinity for the first three films, particularly ‘Raiders’ and ‘Crusade’. It has some new tricks up it’s sleeve, but it doesn’t work without at least some emotional connection to the previous films. It’s the least stand alone of the saga in that regard.

Spalko. Cate Blanchett is icily perfect as the Russian agent in charge of finding the mysterious Crystal Skull. I would rank her as the most dangerous and intriguing villain in the series, but she doesn’t have enough screen time [nor chemistry with Indy] to knock Belloq from the throne of ultimate Indy villain.

The action. It’s all whiz-bang fun and often edge of your seat thrilling [especially the jungle chase scene]. It lacks the weight of ‘Raiders’ and ‘Crusade’ though and thus feels somewhat like empty calories. CGI also becomes a rather cheap crutch used a little too often.

The Crystal Skull(s). They may just be the best “MacGuffin” in the series. That is to say their potential worth to the enemy is quite intriguing. It’s all a little to thinly drawn to eclipse the Ark and the Holy grail though.

Shia Labeouf. The most criticized aspect of the movie prior to it’s release [at least amongst the internet message board crowd] Shia acquits himself quite well. He makes a great foil for the cantankerous Indy.

What didn’t work

The score. Aside from the reprisal of old themes, there’s not much here that’s memorable. John Williams still does busy [but tuneless] action music as well as anyone ever has, but as for the theme for the Crystal Skull, it’s utterly forgettable. Mutt’s theme? If he had one I can’t recall it. The Russians? Generic, menacing stuff. Probably Williams most forgettable "genre" score ever. A real disappointment.

Mac [Ray Winstone]. He’s used too little and is too thinly drawn. His resolution is also rather odd and inconsistent. It's a shame, as there was real potential there.

It’s too jokey. There are some genuinely funny moments in the movie and they all spring naturally from the story. The rest are all gags. Indy in particular is just a little too easy with the one-liners. In those moments I’m reminded of his performance as Han Solo in ‘Return of the Jedi’, which was a caricature of the role he’d created.

The pace. In spite of the big action sequences, it just seems to plod along from clue to clue. While plot driven scenes are necessary, they have to be interesting. The Map room in ‘Raiders’ for instance. There are a lot of those kinds of digging in the dark scenes in ‘Crystal Skull’ but they’re a little too flat.

Indy/Marion. It has to rely totally on our fondness and knowledge of their shared history, because outside of a few moments there’s not much there. Their bickering about past transgressions is a little too sitcom.

The Soviets. The problem is we don’t get to see them enough without Indy around. They just sort of pop up whenever Indy gets on the trail of a clue. It’s not that you need character development with these guys, but they need their own section of turf to chew on.

The finale. There’s so much to dislike here, but not much I can tell you without spoilers. My main problem is that Indy doesn’t get to use his wits, ala ‘Last Crusade’. Instead the group stand around and watch as stuff happens [pointed out in one review I read, and so true].

The bottom line

Simultaneously thrills and bores. Not a bad film, but a disappointment overall. - 6.5/10

(See also my previous blog reviewing the 'Indy' saga)

http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2007/05/summer-movie-franchise-reviews-indiana.html

Guilty pleasure songs: 80's movie edition!

2008-05-20T23:17:00.004-04:00

Okay, as promised I've categorized this one a bit. The theme is '80's movie guilty pleasure songs'. I hope you're not lactose intolerant, because there's a lot of cheese in here!

*Note* - I scrupulously avoided my beloved "power anthem montage" songs, as I'm unashamed of them and blast them for all to hear as I cruise down the road!

Catch me (I'm falling) - Pretty poison - From the movie 'Hiding out'

Great song from a decent 80's teen flick. You probably won't catch much flak from 30 & 40 somethings if you're caught with this blasting from your stereo, but if teens catch you jamming, you'll have some explaining to do. And just why are you hanging around with teens anyway? Pervert!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=RKdpKQxZXtU&feature=related

Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be bop) - Q-Feel - From the movie 'Girls just want to have fun'

Maybe you can get away with this one if you're female. Guys, forget it. Still, it makes me want to dance... and have fun. Hey, if girls can guys can too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it4Vgh0xOs8

If you leave - OMD (Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark) - From 'Pretty in Pink'

Considering the movie it's from, the embarrassment factor is pretty low with this one. Just don't let anyone catch you watching the movie. (BTW, Duckie rules)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJfKyHR5-1M

Send me an Angel - Real life - From 'Rad', 'The Wizard' probably countless others

Kind of a 'New Wave' classic that's had a long life. You won't get killed for this one, unless a biker gang pulls up along side you. But then again those bikes are loud so maybe they won't hear you. Still, wouldn't hurt to turn it down a notch or five.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFCV7z3elUE

Twist of fate - Olivia Newton John - From 'Two of a kind'

No.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2hawbp5XT4

Walking on sunshine - Katrina and the Waves - From 'The secret of my success'

I've seen grown, middle aged men dancing to this song when it comes on. Time to end the charade, people. We can like this song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eONhto0x_nI

I'm so excited - Pointer Sisters - From 'No way out'

Not unless you're Kevin Costner in a limo. That means you and I roll up our windows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-DcNPFWhbk

Never fear, there are more 80's movie guilty pleasure songs to come!

And I plan on another round of 'Forgotten 80's' as well as a review of 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' [hopefully by late Thursday evening].

Guilty pleasure songs: Part 1

2008-05-17T00:57:00.003-04:00

We all have them. I call them 'Roll up the window songs'. You may love 'Only in my dreams' by Debbie Gibson [and God knows I do, honey!] but do you really want that minivan full of little leaguers in the next lane to know that?

Here's part one of my list of "Guilty pleasure" songs. So roll up those windows and crank up your radios.

Pour some sugar on me – Def Leppard

I’m not ashamed to admit that I like Def Leppard. They probably have the catchiest catalog of pop rock singles out there. That having been said, ‘Pour some sugar on me’ has basically become the National anthem of strippers and drunk middle age barflies. And while I appreciate the assets of the former and the desperation of the latter, I don’t necessarily want to be associated with either. So when this one comes on, the windows go up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSaAXDBvfho

Working for the weekend – Loverboy

Cowbell. Tight red leather pants. Sounds like a party at Christopher Walken’s place or the ubiquitous Friday after work song ‘Working for the weekend’. There isn’t a town in North America where this song isn’t played during Friday rush hour. Just look around you. Over there. See the 40 year old guy in the Kia with the windows rolled up? The one bobbing his head. Oh yeah. He’s working for the weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xo9QlZufBAc

Father figure – George Michael

This one speaks for itself doesn’t it folks?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tb8QaxDs0AY

Physical – Olivia Newton John

Again. I mean, seriously. Yeah. I know. I know. She was hot though, wasn't she?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQXECBdPgEA

Chains of love – Erasure

I’m straight believe it or not. I am! Stop looking at me like that!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_o6dd_1ulw

Almost unreal – Roxette

If you read my knee slappingly hi-larious blog ‘Stupor Mario Brothers’ then you probably recall me mentioning this song before. What can I say, it does it’s hocus-pocus to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaoQEFAl9fE

Hungry eyes – Eric Carmen

Nobody puts Baby in a corner! Oops, sorry. Channeling my inner Swayze there for a second. I’m sorry, I make no apologies for this one. I’m embarrassed by it, but I make no apologies. This song gets me in the mood. [Too much information alert, Will Robinson!].

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oKUTOLSeMM

Sacred emotion – Donny Osmond

A great song from the stormin' Mormon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bexYEMC_ySY

Okay, that's enough embarrassment for one day

Forgotten 80's: Captain Power and the Soldiers of the future

2008-05-09T23:36:00.009-04:00

"Power on!"
-

Thus began each episode of 'Captain Power and the Soldiers of the future'. The show is primarily remembered, if at all, for being "interactive". At a point during the show, kids could [theoretically] get involved by shooting at the screen. I say theoretically because I don't remember it working that well. Anyway, that failed gimmick doesn't take away from what was a cool toy line and an awesome TV series.

What set 'Captain Power' apart from so many live-action shows of it's kind, past and present, is that it was rather serious and violent [relatively speaking of course. It wasn't Terminator or anything]. It never reached the level of camp that you sometimes see on 'Power Rangers' and other shows of it's type. Sure it's plot wasn't exactly original what with it's post apocalyptic future, tyrants and 'Metal Wars', but it was well told and had very high produciton values.

The real legacy from the 'Metal wars'

The toy line was good, interactive gimmick aside. It's sort of reminiscent of 'Centurions' stylistically. Sadly when a show and a toy line go hand in hand when one dies, so too does the other. There was a second Wave of figures, but as with many final waves it's a bit on the scarce side.

Today 'Captain Power' lives on in the hearts and minds of a few die hard fans. For the rest, he's often confused with green mulleted environmentalist 'Captain Planet'. The show is not currently available on DVD and there seem to be no immediate plans to release it. As with many shows, you can watch it on youtube. If it's been a while, you might want to give it a look. "Power on!".

Useful links

-
Opening

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M678PVOf5F0

Fan site

http://www.captainpower.com/

Forgotten 80’s: Robo Force

2008-05-06T00:10:00.005-04:00

My friend, Jason, who lived next door to me when we were kids, was the patron saint of short-lived toy lines. While the rest of us had ‘Star Wars’, ‘Masters of the Universe’ and ‘G.I. Joe’ he would come home with stuff like ‘The other world’, which he claimed was going to be the next great toy line. It wasn’t.

Another toy line he was into was the little remembered ‘Robo Force’. He was certain it was going to take off big. It didn’t. That’s too bad too because it had the makings of an awesome series. Unfortunately a little phenomenon called ‘Transformers’ came out that same year and seemed to steal it’s robo-thunder.

As you can see, Maxx wasn't too happy about Robo Force's short run

Humans? We don’t need no stinking humans! Robo Force was all about the robots. It pitted the forces of Maxx Steel ‘The Leader’ VS Hund-Dred ‘The Conqueror’ [Not to be confused with his cousin, Kull]. The line was pretty extensive for one so short lived. It included 10 figures, two vehicles, a play set as well other tie-in merchandise like phones, lunch boxes and bed sheets. Somebody over at Ideal thought this was going to be huge and that somebody probably lives under a bridge these days, sleeping under urine stained Robo Force sheets.

Unlike many 80’s toy lines, Robo Force never had a weekly cartoon series. It did however have a one shot animated “movie” special that aired only once and has not had an official home video release.

I have no memory of the cartoon myself. I did break down and buy [or should I say my parents broke down and bought me] some of the figures. I recall sticking them to the side of our refrigerator. That’s about it for the warm fuzzy memories, folks.

Today Robo Force sits on the trash heap with so many other ‘What coulda beens’ like ‘Sectaurs’, ‘Centurions’, ‘Visionaries’ and ‘Sky Commanders’. At least they’re in good company.

Useful links

A Robo Force fan page with info on the toy line

http://www.i-mockery.com/roboforce/

An original commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7fxNmxif74

Disturbing info alert!: I learned while doing research for this that Maxx Steele is also the name of an adult film actor. Just a friendly warning for those who may have plans to do an image search. You have been warned.

Forgotten 80's: Coleco table top games

2008-04-28T22:41:00.007-04:00

First watch this commercial. Commentary to follow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl44QIavtfw

I’m guessing this commercial was filmed in Canada. I just get a ‘You can’t do that on television’ vibe. It’s the way that one kid near the end says “The Oh-ficial table top version!”.

“Galaxian! It’s mine!” Wow, that kid is seriously creepy. He looks like Gollum when he sees the one ring. I’m guessing he went to the prom alone. I heard he drives the Zamboni at Toronto Maple Leaf games now. He lives in his parent's basement and spends his free time, you guessed it, playing Galaxian. It’s his after all. His own. His... preciousssssssssss.

Mr. Arcade. Good Lord. It’s like they grabbed some homeless dude and threw a Saturday Night Fever suit on him. And what’s with his reaction to the kid asking for Donkey Kong? It’s like “Donkey Kong? Are you out of your mind you hoser? It can’t be do... BAM!”

As you might imagine, Mr. Arcade was full of crap. These games may have looked like miniature versions of their arcade counterparts in so much as the cabinet art is concerned but the graphics were LED. Still the game play was fun and basically true to the spirit of the arcade version. I had Pac-Man [I was a Pac-Man nut as a kid].
Today these games go for solid money in eBay in any condition; more if the cabinet art is in good shape.

Post script – If anyone knows the whereabouts of the kids from the commercial or the actor who played “Mr. Arcade”, drop me a line. Seriously. I don’t know why, but I have a curiosity about what happened to the people who were featured in those great 80’s commercials.

Link of interest

http://www.vidgame.net/COLECO/TABLETOP.html

Forgotten 80's: Showbiz pizza place

2008-04-23T19:54:00.006-04:00

Their pizza smelled like a dead bum’s crotch. Creepy animatronic animals warbled cornpone music. You could drop $10.00 on ski-ball and walk away with a comb as a prize. Why then did I [we?] love Showbiz Pizza? Because it’s where a kid could be a kid!

Lots of places in the 80’s had video games and most probably sold lousy [by the slice] pizza too. But only one had ‘Dick McGirt and the Hillbilly jug band’! Wait, that wasn’t it. What were they called? [Google] Ah, here we go. ‘Billy Bob and the Rock-afire explosion’. Awesome. Serenaded by an anaimatronic band of animal freaks that lip-synched worse than Ashlee Simpson [who is pregnant with the drummer's baby BTW] as you drank watered down pop and ate pizza that tasted like the inside of Ernest Borgnine’s colostomy bag... only in the 80’s! [Yes, I’m trying to see how many gross comparisons I can make between their pizza and the nether region’s of the homeless and elderly].

Billy Bob; Nah, not creppy at all

While the band probably distinguishes Showbiz from the rest of the pack, the real draw were the games. Obviously there were arcade games, but they also had a giant pit of plastic balls you could jump into. You didn’t get that at Wendy’s, folks! Dave Thomas’ folksy charm is no match for the opportunity to suffocate beneath a large sea of colorful balls and strange children [I believe Michael Jackson has stated that’s the way he wants to die].

I don’t think I ever went to Showbiz just for the heck of it. It was always a special occasion. Birthdays. Little league banquets. Anaimatronic bear appreciation day. Stuff like that. The closest one was about a 20 minute drive, and thus remained a treat of sorts throughout my youth.

As the 80’s drew to a close, my local Showbiz was bought out by that evil corporate raider, Chuck E. Cheese. Mr. Cheese continues to operate out of that building today and no doubt his pizza tastes like a bag of poo after three days in the glove compartment of an 1987 Honda Prelude, but he doesn’t have the ‘Roll-a-tire excursion’ or whoever they were.

Some links of interest

A fan site with more info than you could possibly imagine [sorry, channeled Obi-Wan Kenobi there for a sec]

http://rock_afire.tripod.com/

Okay, I was going to post some others but that’s all you’ll ever need!

Street Fighter: The movie, is Jean Claude Van Dumb

2008-04-20T00:22:00.003-04:00

Back with another installment of project re-wind. This time I review the 1994 film adaptation of the video game ‘Street fighter’.

To confess right up front, I have seen Street Fighter before. It was Christmas day, 1994. In what is a Christmas tradition, me and a group of friends went to the movies. I’m told we saw Street Fighter, but I have no memory of the film itself. What remains is a two hour black hole.

Picking [up] a Fight[er]

You know how I roll. I got this El freebo at the library. VHS. Old school. Ya dig?

All right, enough of that. Like I said, got this one at the library, on VHS. It was the original release because the first five minutes of the tape were filled with Street Fighter propaganda that almost had me convinced this movie wasn’t actually a giant steaming pile of deuce. Almost.

Everybody was kung-poo fighting!

The first two minutes or so of ‘Street Fighter’ are actually pretty good. In retrospect I should’ve just rewound and watched that 40 or 50 times rather than the entire movie itself. There’s also a surprising amount of cussing [or is it cursing? I never know, damn it!] in that first two minutes, but to be fair I decided not to count Jean Claude’s use of the term “Deek head”.

With a title like ‘Street Fighter’ it’s probably not difficult to figure out what it’s about. A young Parisian school girl is sent to spend the Summer on her aunt and uncle’s farm nestled in the lush, French countryside. While there she meets Pepe, a mute stable boy. What follows is a torrid love affair that fills the screen with erotic passion!... Nah, it’s about fighting.

I could give you a regurgitation of the “plot” filled with my signature biting commentary or I could just save us all a lot of time and say “it stunk” and move on.

It stunk.

Okay, with that settled I’m going to use my saved time to go get a burger. Hmmm, maybe Burger King. I’ll be back.

15 minutes later...

Man, that was a tasty burger! Burger King indeed. Bravo, your highness. Bravo.

What I liked

Next. Move along. Nothing to see here

What I didn’t like

The endless parade of characters and stories is enough for two movies... thank God they only decided to make one, however

Basically ignores the premise of the video game it’s based on

It’s popular to ask “What did we learn?” so here goes

Americans have French accents

It’s not uncommon for news reporters to be Ninjas, and for their crews to be made up of Sumo wrestlers and boxers

Jean Claude kicks the “Sheet” out of “Deek heads!”

The M in M. Bison stands for Merle. Okay, I made that up

Random thoughts

Raul Julia’s IMDB page claims the actor died of a stroke shortly after completing Street Fighter. My guess he actually died of embarrassment

What is that giant bump on Van Damme’s forehead? Would somebody hand the brother a belt sander and some band-aids?

The “Allied Nations” wear a neon blue camouflage pattern with splashes of pink. Are these soldiers fighting most of their battles in San-Franciscostan?

The bottom line

Cheesy mess is watchable, but only if you’re not lactose intolerant.

Final score: 3.5/10

Forgotten 80's: Literally... I can't remember this stuff!

2008-04-17T21:56:00.002-04:00

Faithful reader[s] [Thanks, Mom] I need your help. I’m sure you all can identify with fuzzy memory syndrome. That terrible affliction that only allows you to recall bits and pieces of things. Below are three that have vexed me and the web has proven to be of little help.

Monster Pops

“Just when you though it was safe to go back to the refrigerator!”

For years I thought I was alone on this one. Google searches turned up zilch and my friend’s had no memory of the monstrously good Popsicle called ‘Monster Pops’. But, it turns out I’m not alone! Finally, I got a decent hit during a search. It took me to the retro site called, appropriately enough, retroist.com.

Initial post here

http://www.retroist.com/2007/08/03/do-your-remember-monster-pops-popsicles/

“Fellowship of the Monster Pop” [coined by yours truly] created to track down more info

http://www.retroist.com/2008/04/14/the-sacred-fellowship-of-the-monster-pop/

I’m afraid that collectively we don’t recall much, other than the following.

- They came in a black box, with pictures of the various monsters on it

- There was a Dracula and Frankenstein ‘pop’ for sure and perhaps a Mummy or Skeleton and Wolfman.

That’s about it. We can’t recall the maker, nor can anyone dig up a single lousy picture of the box. Heck, we can’t even find any references to them anywhere on the web.

Do you have a scary good memory? Do ‘Monster Pops’ ring a bell? Then howl back at me.

Crocodile toothbrushes

This one hit me today out of the blue. Remember back in grade school when they’d have that ‘Oral hygiene’ day? Someone would come in and talk about the importance of brushing, then they would hand out these little kits with a toothbrush, some toothpaste and these little pink[?] tablets inside. The teacher would then send kids to the restroom to brush, followed a little later by chewing the tablets [which somehow revealed places where you didn’t brush properly]?

I seem to remember the handles of the toothbrushes being shaped like crocodiles, but that’s about it. Any help, corrections or further memories you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

London Bobbie’s

The internet hasn’t been of much help on this one either. When I was a kid, we’d go down to Virginia about once a year to visit relatives. On the way there and back we’d stop at a fast food place called ‘London Bobbie’s’ [sp?]. The theme was, as you might imagine, one of a stereotypical British policeman with the large hat and Billy club.

I think they may have had fish and chips [natch], but they also had standard fast food fare. I remember it being absolutely delicious and looked so forward to it whenever we’d go down. We didn’t have them in Ohio, so it was a rare treat.

I really can’t remember much, including where exactly it was [I just started writing this blog on a whim and it’s too late to call my Mom :p]. This may be the toughest of all, since it’s likely a regional thing.

Any info on this British themed burger joint?

Forgotten 80's: Part one - Grossville High

2008-04-09T19:48:00.004-04:00

Something new about something old. In ‘Forgotten 80’s’ I take a look at stuff that has slipped through the cracks and into obscurity. This blog features the 1987 Fleer bubblegum card series ‘Grossville High’.

“I loined it at Grossville” – Grossville High slogan

Topps’ ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ phenomenon was already starting to die down by the time rival card manufacturer Fleer debuted their ‘Grossville High’ series. The premise; A High School filled with a variety of odd and disgusting characters. I could’ve saved Fleer a lot of time and money and just let them copy my yearbook.

Ultimately ‘Grossville High’ came and went without causing much of a stir. I was in middle school at the time, just past the age where a [normal] kid would be into such a thing yet I still enthusiastically collected this series. I’d show them to my friends who would just roll their eyes at me. Heck, I didn’t care. Let them have their girlfriends and their spooning sessions, I had a shoebox full of colorful stickers! [Ever try to spoon with a bubblegum card? My advice? Don’t, or else buy Band aids. Lots and lots of Band aids].

The actual stickers featured bright, colorful artwork that was a bit more amateurish than the ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ line but still very cool. The backs, like ‘GPK’, featured “wacky” stuff like yearbook entries and the Grossville High Bulletin board. Here’s a sample from the Grossville High Lunch Menu.

Monday: Slug salad, Sliced raw Meatloaf with Slime Gravy, French Flies, Puke Pudding, Sloth Milk.

Did my Mom write these things? Anyway, you get the gist of it. Subtle as a kick to the taters.

Grossville High closed it’s doors forever after only one year and, like algebra, it has been forgotten by nearly everybody... until now.

The Grossvile line-up [some of these names are bit more clever than you’d think] 1. Peter Picker, 2 . Napper John, 3. Pam Hocks, 4. Grody Jody, 5. Dick Thickbrick, [I kid you not], 6. Brad Breath, 7. B.O. Joe, 8. Billy Bob Slob, 9. Cheatsheet Charlie, 10. Pretty Boy Roy, 11. Jack The Zipper, 12. Blind Date Kate, 13. Dale Fail, 14. Norman Nerdwood, 15. Close Shave Dave, 16. Jackie Acne, 17. Tony Tattoo, 18. Guy Fly, 19. Debbie Desperate, 20. Aersol Flynn, 21. Dr. Zoolittle, 22. Prima Donna, 23. Vinnie The Vice, 24. Fanny Form, 25. Ty Tannic, 26. Lila Brarian, 27. Janitor Jim, 28. Telulah Ptomaine, 29. Ortho-Dennis, 30. Homeroom Rhonda, 31. Brian Brownie, 32. Bob Beaker, 33. Mao Tse Tongue, 34. Kris Kross, 35. George Gorge, 36. Dan Druff, 37. Joe Stereo, 38. Lou Libel, 39. Vic Vomit, 40. Judy Cooty, 41. Teri Two-Faced, 42. Walter Weird, 43. Bea Flat, 44. Coach Roachbomb, 45. Jim Nausia, 46. Jane Pain, 47. Clyde Cleat, 48. Foxanne, 49. Nurse Curse, 50. Sam Speed, 51 Static Ling, 52. Airhead Ned, 53. Driver Ed, 54. Lovesick Rick, 55. Bruce Screwloose, 56. Prof. Square Rootski, 57. Koo-Kooracha, 58. Miss Body English, 59. Bess Stress, 60. Betty Blooper, 61. Ray Spray, 62. Prof. Lyle Lobe, 63. Chucky Chews, 64. Prof. Sigmund Fraud, 65. Ty Rant, 66. Bullpen Glen

---

10 great cartoon themes

2008-03-23T23:54:00.010-04:00

Note: Sorry about the long absence. Hope to be blogging a little more consistently from now on.

A few Saturdays ago, while snowbound at home, I sat back and watched what passes for Saturday morning cartoons these days. To say I was unimpressed is an understatement. Saddest of all was the lack of quality opening themes. Heck, even the crappy toons had catchy tunes [oh I'm witty] when I was a kid. Smurfs anyone? Yeah, I said it, Poppa Jerk. Deal with it!

Here is a list of my ten favorite cartoon theme songs, complete with links to them on youtube. Enjoy!

10.) Pole Position – 1984

Loosely [and I do mean LOOSELY; Like just the title] based on the popular 80’s arcade game. I don’t remember much about the cartoon [other than the talking cars] but the theme song is tattooed on my brain. “What’s behind their stunt show?” I would like to know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H7r2vBuA2I

9.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – 1987
-
The ‘TMNT’ theme sort of represented the end of the golden age of the cartoon theme. Turtle power indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI0FbYe3lRE

8.) Robotech – 1985

I sort of came to this one late, after reading the novels my freshman year of high school. It wasn’t long before the Sci-Fi channel began showing it in the morning before school and it’s heroic fanfare sent me on my way to a day spent fighting a different kind of evil... public school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_h8NvEMqGvQ

7.) The Mighty Orbots – 1984

One of the lesser known ‘Robot-combiner’ shows, none the less it had an awesome theme song. It gets a little surreal at about the 23 second mark [I honestly don’t know what the heck is going on there] but quickly recovers to reach it’s ass-kicking finale.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLcJXR7twoQ

6.) He-Man and the Masters of the Universe - 1983

To show you that cartoons aren't just mind numbing wastes of time, I actually looked up the word "aloft" in the dictionary after first seeing this intro. It means to raise or hold up... or something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFOu-zLLSms

5.) Thundercats – 1985

Sort of what a cartoon theme would sound like if it were done by Van Halen. That's "Halen" not "Hagar".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-sOaUAgbB4

4.) Silverhawks – 1986

Silverhawks may not be quite as well known and revered as it’s sister show, Thundercats, but I rate the theme song just a notch above.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwWYI6nQRGA

3.) G.I. Joe – A real American hero – 1983

This show [and the toys and comic books] was one of the great obsessions of my misspent youth and it remains one of the obsessions of my misspent adulthood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YXQSrOCeKQ

2.) M.A.S.K. – 1985

If this song wasn’t about transforming cars and guys who wear masks, it would’ve been a top 40 smash. If “Ma-ma-ma-MASK, is the mighty power that can save the day!” doesn’t give you goose bumps I don’t want to know you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0BzBFWt8V8

1.) Voltron: Defender of the Universe – 1984

This is a movie quality theme; orchestral and without any regrettable lyrics. Instead it features the dulcet voice of Optimus Prime, er, Peter Cullen, who fills us in on all the important details.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9C2YLVaSBw

And a bonus tune...

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos – 1986

There seemed to be a strange trend in the 80’s where the word command/commandos was spelled with a K. Anyway, it’s Chuck Norris, if he wants to spell Commando “Kommando” whose going to tell him no? Or if he wants to spell Commando "Kommando" while going Commando [or is it "Kommando"]? Certainly not me or the ruthless "Super Ninja”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSU1Lvxy9Sk

Did I leave out your favorite? Let me know!

Halloween candy

2007-10-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I haven’t been trick-or-treating since a fateful night back in 1992. I was 18 years old. I got more grief than candy that night, with one woman refusing to give me a treat altogether. She sent me from her property with righteous indignation and in retrospect maybe she was right. I must’ve looked like a wise guy standing there at her door. I’m almost 6’2 and my buddy who was with me played nose tackle on the football team. That couldn't have looked good. It was my welcome to adulthood moment. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was a skinny punk pushing his way past princesses, fairies and clowns for some free candy.

Most of the things we have to give up when we become adults are temporary. In today’s society it’s perfectly normal for adults to play video games or collect toys. Not cool perhaps, but acceptable. we can also still have sleepovers and to tell you the truth they’re a lot more fun when you’re grown up... if you know what I mean. But trick-or-treating is a no-no. That’s for kids. It’s their time. Sure, you can enjoy it vicariously as a parent or when they come around to your house but it’s not the same. Of all the things that are great about being a kid, there’s none better than picking out your costume and heading out with friends on a chilly autumn night.

In this blog I list my five favorite and least favorite Halloween treats.

MY 5 LEAST FAVORITE HALLOWEEN TREATS

5.) LOOSE CANDY – One year, God as my witness, my friends and I went to a house and the lady reached into a bowl of hard candy... WITHOUT wrappers on them, and dumped a handful into each of our bags. I don’t think I need to explain why this is a bad idea.

4.) TOOTHBRUSHES – On at least two occasions during my trick-or-treat career someone slipped a toothbrush into my bag in the guise of a treat. A toothbrush! Did these people seriously think that we didn’t have toothbrushes at home? This isn’t some third world country. Do you see Sally Struthers anywhere around here? Are flies buzzing around me?

3.) GIFT CERTIFICATES – Great, a free small fry that your parents would’ve paid for anyway. What kid wouldn’t appreciate that?

2.) FRUIT – Fruit is wholesome and nutritious and thus has no place on Halloween (unless it’s bobbing for apples and even then they should be candy coated). People who give out fruit might as well hand out math homework too while they’re at it.

1.) PENNIES – The penny; our lowest form of coinage. Handing out pennies on Halloween is worse than not handing out treats at all. It would be less offensive if you dropped a handful of ripe cat turds into a kid’s bag than your dirty, loose pocket change. The penny says “I am bitter and cheap. Leave my porch so that I may return to watching Wheel of fortune.”

MY TOP 5 FAVORITE HALLOWEN TREATS

5.) GUM – You can’t go wrong with gum. Sure, I prefer something fruity but I won’t balk at something from the mint family. And if the gum just happens to be at the center of a sucker then so much the better!

4.) SUCKERS – I go to the bank just for the free Dum-Dum pop. What can I say, I’m a sucker for suckers.

3.) M&M’S – When I was a Freshman in High school we had to sell M&M’s to fund our Senior prom (or technically the current Senior prom). We each were obligated to sell at least one bag, which contained 20 boxes of plain and 20 boxes of peanut M&M’s @ .50 cents each. I sold all of my peanut M&M’s (since I don’t like peanut) and then proceeded to eat my supply of plain to the tune of $10.00. That’s how much I love plain M&M’s.

2.) SWEET-TARTS – I use “Sweet-tart” as a sort of catch-all. Other candies falling under the Sweet-tart banner include Spree & Bottle caps. Sweet tarts probably aren’t this high on most people’s list, but I’m a guy who eats spoonfuls of granulated sugar so there you go.

1.) REECE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS – I think they must put crack in these things. Have you ever been able to eat just one? Me either.

Second chance movies

2007-10-13T22:49:00.000-04:00

Quick, think of a movie that you love; One that other people seem to dismiss or ignore. Got it? What is it about the movie that you like?

If you’re like me, it’s often simple nostalgia. Something in the film reminds you of your childhood or maybe a certain moment in time. You can’t really defend it on an “artistic” level. You just like it. Nothing wrong with that.

Other times it’s a movie that has slipped through the cracks for one reason or another. You’re sure that if you could just get some to watch it, or re-watch it from a new point of view, that they would love it too. That’s the premise of this blog. I’m certainly not suggesting that you run out and buy these six movies, but if you ever happen on them on TV or if you’re looking for something to add to your Netflix cue I ask that you give them a chance. But first, let me tell you why.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

I have done my best to insure that all links lead to the appropriate places and materials. I am human though and should they lead to baboon porn or something, I will not be held legally responsible. Seriously, some links tend to change or go dead over time, especially the youtube ones.

THE 13TH WARRIOR (1999)

THE HISTORY

Based on the Michael Crichton novel “Eaters of the dead”. Original cut didn’t test well. Crichton came in himself and re-shot several scenes. Budget ballooned and film did only middling box office.

TODAY

The 13th Warrior has developed a strong “cult” following. Has been discovered on video and is now viewed as an overlooked gem of sorts.

MY TAKE

I’m really puzzled why this film wasn’t a bigger hit the first time around. It’s a rousing movie with bold and heroic storytelling. While not quite in the realm of Braveheart or Lord of the Rings artistically speaking, it’s arguably more generically entertaining and inarguably light years ahead of films like Troy and Kingdom of Heaven in both regards.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Old fashioned, testosterone fuelled adventure

Vikings are awesome

Great ensemble cast

Terrific score by Jerry Goldsmith

DVD AVAILABILITY

Yes

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120657/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_13th_Warrior

YOUTUBE CLIP “VIKING PRAYER” – APPROX 1:00
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQgnL5gU96Y

FAN SITES
http://zap.to/13thwarrior
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Guild/1651/

RAD (1986)

THE HISTORY

A sort of Karate Kid on a bike. Came out during the middle of the BMX craze. Dismissed by hard core BMXers and ignored by everyone else.

TODAY

The same generation of BMXers who once scoffed at it have now embraced it. Though it still flies under the radar for most people, it has a strong and passionate following.

MY TAKE

What can I say, I’m a sucker for this formula and I love the BMX culture of the mid 80’s. This movie hits all the right notes. The BMX action is very well done, the performances are good and the music is appropriately 80’s-licious and inspiring.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Great BMX action

It’s the type of against the odds underdog story they don’t make anymore

Inspirational 80’s power anthems

Lori Laughlin is hot

DVD AVAILABILITY

Sadly no; At least not officially. Only available on VHS format (and long out of print) and various bootleg DVDs. However the entire movie is available to watch online at the link below (Recommended for those with DSL only).

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091817/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rad_(film))

YOUTUBE CLIP # 1 “INTRO” – 3:28
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mD5riS3DB6k

YOUTUBE CLIP #2 “HELLTRACK” – 6:38
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNqhprxMy6c

GOOGLE MOVIE LINK
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7997346578257807085

OFFICIAL BILL ALLEN (CRU JONES) WEBSITE
http://www.billallenrad.com/

FAN SITE
http://www.lets-walk-this-sucker.kwix.info/index.php

THE LAST STARFIGHTER (1984)

THE HISTORY

One of the first films to employ extensive computer graphics in it’s special effects. While ahead of it’s time in that regard, the results were mixed and somewhat detracted from the dramatic elements of the film. As a result, it was a box office dud.

TODAY

Like many films on this list, The Last Starfighter found it’s audience on pay cable and home video. It’s often referred to as a “near classic”, but it’s virtues are now more fully appreciated than before.

MY TAKE

I absolutely love this movie. It has so much heart and handles all of the important emotional elements so well that you can forgive it’s underdeveloped villains and sometimes clumsy early CGI special effects.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Great score

Fun, gee-whiz feel

Well written characters

Great performances by the entire cast; not one false note

DVD AVAILABILITY

Yes. Recently released on HD format as well.

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087597/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Starfighter

YOUTUBE CLIP “TRAILER” 2:51
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-IH4v25yOs

KRULL (1983)

THE HISTORY

Originally developed as a live action Dungeons and Dragons film, Krull eventually became a pastiche of space opera and fairy tale. Hopes were high that Krull would become a franchise ala Star Wars, but the film was met with indifference at the box office.

TODAY

Krull became a staple on the burgeoning pay cable market of the mid 80’s. Once dismissed as a turkey, new generations have discovered Krull thanks to DVD and many who saw it upon it’s initial release have gained a new appreciation for it’s rousing score, colorful characters and sense of adventure.

MY TAKE

Krull is easy to dismiss as a second rate amalgam of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, and it may be, but that doesn’t make it a bad film. It also contains more wit and originality than it’s detractors will acknowledge; Such as the Cyclops and his fate, the magical Glaive weapon and the Beast’s traveling fortress.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Great James Horner score

Fun, colorful characters

Old fashioned, romantic quest story

The Glaive is awesome

DVD AVAILABILITY

Yes

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085811/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krull_(film

YOUTUBE CLIP “FAN MADE VIDEO FEATURING HORNER’S SCORE” 3:34
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw29mVh56fA

THE ROCKETEER (1991)

THE HISTORY

Based on the Dave Stevens graphic novels. Developed by Disney to compete with the other comic book franchises of it’s time. Though the film was well received by critics and audiences alike, it didn’t become the blockbuster the studio had hoped and the planned sequel was never made.

TODAY

Often cited as one of the real forgotten gems of it’s genre; An “It deserved a better fate” type of film. Sadly, it has become all but forgotten and has not yet been “discovered” by a new generation.

MY TAKE

I don’t get this one. The Rocketeer has everything we love about the Indiana Jones series and executes it well. Maybe it’s just not “edgy” enough for some people.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Great story

Old fashioned, fun adventure

Exciting action sequences

Fantastic score by James Horner

Jennifer Connelly looks beautiful

DVD AVAILABILITY

Yes

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102803/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rocketeer_(film)

YOUTUBE CLIP #1 “TRAILER” 2:18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJL9aVp_1jE

YOUTUBE CLIP #2 “ROCKETEER VS NAZIS” 4:51
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1V7CD13Nxro

BETTER OFF DEAD (1985)

THE HISTORY

Released at the height of the teen comedy era of the mid 80’s. Became an instant cult hit, but was overshadowed by the John Hughes machine that it parodied.

TODAY

One of the reigning cult classics of the genre. Has been affectionately referenced in cartoons such as South Park and Family Guy.

MY TAKE

I was dragged to this by my Step-Sisters against my will when it was released and ended up loving it. I’m convinced that if more people would give it a chance, Better off dead would supplant many of the Gods in the 80’s teen comedy pantheon.

WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A(NOTHER) CHANCE

Unique, odd and hilarious

Great performances

Exciting skiing sequences

Great 80’s soundtrack

DVD AVAILABILITY

Yes

USEFUL LINKS

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088794/

WIKIPEDIA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Better_Off_Dead_(film)

YOUTUBE CLIP 1:19
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eipq4zAVRGI

FAN SITES
http://www.xenafan.com/movies/bod/shocked.html

Interview with a (Muppet) Vampire

2007-10-07T00:25:00.000-04:00

One of the great things about having such a popular blog (pause for laughter) is getting to interview a variety of fascinating people. With Halloween fast approaching, I paid a visit to Sesame street to talk with one of the world’s most famous vampires, The Count.

After stopping to ask directions from a large, fuzzy brown elephant, I finally find The Count’s house. Looking fit and dashing in his cape and monocle, the number nosferatu sits down and the interview begins.

THE WARP ZONE: Wow, I must say it’s an honor to meet you, sir.

THE COUNT: Blah! Please, call me Count.

TWZ: Count, tell me. Is it difficult to bite people with felt fangs?

The Count shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

THE COUNT: I don’t bite people. I get my sustenance through teaching people about numbers!... One! [Ah-ah-ah] Two! [Ah-ah-ah]...

TWZ: Yeah, about that. It seems to me that you never really go above the number ten. Why is that?

THE COUNT: Well, uh...

TWZ: Could you count to, say, fifteen for us right now?

THE COUNT: Fif--teen?

TWZ: Yeah. You can start at ten.

The Count loosens his collar and if I didn’t know better I would swear that beads of sweat were beginning to form on his forehead.

THE COUNT: Okay. Fifteen. No problem. (Clears throat) Ten! [Ah-ah-ah] Um... Hmm, let’s see here. (Mumbles) [Ah-ah-ah]...

TWZ: Wait, what was that last one again?

THE Count: Couldn’t you hear?

TWZ: No, I couldn’t. Could you repeat it please?

THE COUNT: I... Uh. You should really have your ears checked. Burt and Ernie did a segment on it last week. I’ll go get them...

The Count starts to get up.

TWZ: I’ll stop by after we’re done here. Okay, continue.

He slumps back down in his chair and shoots daggers at me with his lifeless eyes.

THE COUNT: Yes. I love counting! [Ah-ah-ah]. Let’s see here. Ah, yes... Um...

TWZ: You don’t know what comes next do you?

THE COUNT: Yes I do! It’s... um... RARRRRRRRRR!

At this point the Count has now pounced on me and is attempting to bite my neck.

TWZ: That tickles.

THE COUNT: Damn you!

Masters of the Universe VS Thundercats

2007-09-09T09:55:00.000-04:00

This started out as a goof comparing the various characters and worlds of 'Masters of the Universe' and 'Thundercats' but somehow I noticed that I was writing it seriously instead. I'm no Joseph Campbell, but here goes...

THE MAIN HERO

Lion-o VS He-Man

Both are molded from similar mythological archetypes, but there is one key difference between them. While Lion-o is an impetuous youth, a boy in a man’s body (Well, a man-cat’s body) who struggles to find balance between his brave heart and his callow mind (Think Luke Skywalker circa ‘The Empire strikes back’) Adam (He-Man’s alter-ego) is more like Clark Kent. A young man gifted with extraordinary powers who must hide behind a bumbling persona to protect the one’s he loves.

HE-MAN – He-Man has been dubbed ‘The most powerful man in the universe’. Even with all of that power at his disposal, he is rarely if ever tempted by decadence or debauchery. He is a man who knows who he is and what he believes and he never sways.

He also seems replete with a great deal of wisdom for one so young. He-Man rarely faces the moments of unclear choice that so often beset Lion-o. And, though burdened by the duel responsibilities of both being both Prince Adam and He-Man, he seldom complains.

He-Man is an unbeatable fighter. Whether with a sword or his bare hands, he is more than a match for any foe. He-Man is not invincible, though. He can still be killed and often puts his body in harms way to save the day.

STRENGTH – 10
FIGHTING SKILL – 10
WISDOM – 9
VIRTUE – 10
COURAGE – 10

LION-O - Lion-o is a brash and daring character. Though a supremely gifted and brave fighter, his bravado often gets him into trouble. It’s not unusual for Lion-o to get into situations that he is unable to handle on his own. Most of his mistakes, however, are as a result of trying to do the right thing.

Lion-o was thrust into his role as ‘Lord of the Thundercats’ far too soon. Really still a boy in all but body, he makes up for his lack of wisdom with a pure heart and a sharp mind. He is also not too proud to seek wise council when necessary.

STRENGTH – 9
FIGHTING SKILL – 10
WISDOM – 7
VIRTUE – 10
COURAGE - 10

THE WINNER – He-Man. Lion-o is destined to be a great leader, but he is currently no match for the most powerful man in the universe.

THE MAIN VILLAIN

Skeletor VS Mum-Ra

The old saying goes that a hero is only as good as his villain. Both Skeletor and Mum-Ra are cut from the cloth of the classic serial villains. They are pure evil, with no shades of gray or moral ambiguity. Both have a lust for conquest and power, and will let nothing or no one stand in their way.

SKELETOR – Skeletor is more of a cunning villain who relies on his henchman to carry out his evil schemes. Though he seems to posses a certain mastery of basic magic, and is by all accounts a fine warrior, he seldom engages He-Man directly in combat (A wise choice). Though undeniably evil, he doesn’t seem to view himself this way. In his topsy-turvy view, bad is good and wrong is right.

Like many villains, Skeletor’s plans are often undone as much through his own efforts as those of the hero. He has yet to learn his lesson and continues to concoct ever more elaborate plans for He-Man and his friends.

STRENGTH – 8
FIGHTING SKILL – 8
CUNNING – 8
EVIL – 9
COURAGE – 7

MUM-RA – Mum-Ra ‘The ever living’ is a truly frightening villain. Like Skeletor, his goal is ultimate power. Unlike Skeletor though, he seems to clearly understand that he’s doing evil. In fact, he calls upon the powers of the ‘Ancient spirits of evil’ in his dark transformation ceremony. Strangely, Mum-Ra has more in common with Skeletor’s nemesis, He-Man than with Lion-o. Both Mum-Ra and He-Man begin under the guise of feebleness, but through magic transform into powerful beings. In many ways, Mum-Ra is like a shadow of He-Man.

Mum-Ra clearly posses access to great magic, though it remains unclear how much lay within himself. He often must perform a ritual or ceremony before wielding his dark powers. What is not in dispute is Mum-Ra’s awful, dark genius. His failures are usually as a result of his subordinates failures or of the transcendent courage of his foes.

While Skeletor seems to have no known weakness or vulnerabilities, Mum-Ra isn’t so fortunate. While transformed into ‘The ever living’ he is repulsed by the sight of his own reflection, which reveals his true and decrepit self. He must then flee to his lair and recuperate in his sarcophagus for an unknown period of time.

STRENGTH - 10
FIGHTING SKILL - 9
CUNNING - 10
EVIL – 10
COURAGE – 10

THE WINNER – Mum-Ra. Even the mighty Skeletor is no match for Mum-Ra’s powerful magic and evil cunning.

Next up... The heroes and the henchman!

The pickup artist

2007-08-05T09:14:00.000-04:00

This Monday VH-1 debuts yet another ‘reality’ show entitled ‘The pickup artist’. I don’t know much about it, but from the commercials it appears that a homeless street magician teaches some pathetic nerds how to talk to women. I sort of chuckled at this notion until I realized that I hadn’t been on a date in 4 months and hadn’t had a serious relationship in almost a year.

Deciding that I didn’t need some creepy looking dude teaching me how to pick up the ladies, I decided to try my charms on a variety of women in a typical social setting... the grocery store. Here is a chronicle of my experiment.

Super Wal-mart, parking lot – 11:30 AM

It’s freaking hot outside! By the time I get to the door my well coifed spikes are limp with perspiration. I walk in, grab a cart and scope the place out. The store was hopping, but unfortunately half were guys, half of the other half were teenage girls and half of the remaining half were their mothers. This isn’t going to be easy.

Attempt #1 – Super Wal-Mart, grocery section - 11:45 AM

I turn into the snack aisle, making a 90 degree turn like one of those Tron ‘light-cycles’. I look up and spot an attractive brunet woman in her early thirties perusing the potato chips. Welcome to my web said the spider to the fly.

I pull up next to her, grab a bag of BBQ Fritos and wait to make eye contact. Finally, she makes her selection and turns around. Our eyes meet briefly, but the electricity could power New York city for a year. I smile. She smiles. She puts her bags into her cart and walks away. Oh you little tease. The game is afoot!

She exits, making a left. I head in the opposite direction and make a right, again like a Tron light-cycle but this time complete with sound F/X. I go past the Ice cream section. No sign. Then the frozen dinner section. Hello, baby. I turn in, but more casual this time. No need to wow her with my Tron-like abilities so soon. I open the freezer door and grab some Gorton’s fish fillets like the classy GQ fella that I am. I put the box into my cart and walk towards her. Once again I smile. She... sort of smiles. I walk on.

At this point I had no plans to walk past this woman again. I zipped down to the bread aisle and started for the register when I spotted her again. She looks up, sees me, and instantly digs into her purse for her cell phone. I figure she’s either calling her husband or store security. With that I head for the check-out.

Attempt #2 – Super Wal-Mart, register - 11:48 AM

I eschew the U-Scan and hop in the 20 items or less line. The cashier is a 50-something gal with fiery red hair and a naughty twinkle in her eye. Like the song goes “I like my girls a little bit older.” so I decide to ride the conveyor-belt of love.

“Hi.”

The cashier looks at me and smiles. “Hello.”

“How are you today?”

“Fine,” She says pleasantly. “You?”

“I’m great.” I say through a toothy smile.

“$23.78.”

I blink. “Hmm? Oh, yeah.” I dig out my wallet and give her the money.

“Have a nice day, hon.” She says, handing me the change.

‘Hon’? Women who call you ‘hon’ don’t want to mess your hair up (If you know what I mean), they want to smooth it down for you.

Strike 2

Attempt #3 – Wendy’s, drive-thru - 12:03 PM

I pull up to the Wendy’s drive-thru speaker and hear a male voice. I assume the experiment is over and order my two junior burgers with only ketchup and a large fry and pull up. I hand the guy the money and pull up to the next window. I’m staring straight ahead in a daze when I hear a sugary female voice.

“Here you go.”

I look up and see an attractive teenage girl smiling back at me. She hands me my food without breaking eye contact or losing that smile.

“Have a nice day.” She coos with an honest-to-God bat of her eyes.

“You too.”

I manage to return a smile that I sincerely hope conveys 1.) Appreciation for the fast, friendly service. 2.) A reciprocation of her ‘Have a nice day’ gesture and 3.) Yes, you’re very pretty and I’m flattered but no I don’t want to go to prison.

The findings

I have done a thorough statistical analysis of the data and have reached the conclusion that I have no game. Sure, one woman was too old for me and another too young but the 30-soemthing almost tazered me. Guessing I’ll be watching ‘The pickup artist’ this Monday.

‘Rage’ against the (video) machine

2007-07-31T05:48:00.000-04:00

This time I combine a little ‘Ninja-mania’ with ‘Project Re-wind’ as I present the 1987 movie ‘Rage of Honor’ starring Sho Kosugi.

I could swear that I’d seen ‘Rage of honor’ before, but it turns out I had it confused with another Kosugi classic, ‘Pray for death’ (Which aside from Ninjas, killing and vengeance has nothing in common with ‘Rage of honor’ at all).

Tracking down a Ninja

Ha! Some Ninja. It took me about five minutes to find ‘Rage of honor’ in the library data-base. So far, I am not impressed with your skills, Mr. Kosugi!

Ninja! Ninja -- crap!

Fist off, if you get the above title you’re either a fan of ‘Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles II: The secret of the Ooze’ or Vanilla Ice. Either way, shame on you.

The basic plot of ‘Rage of honor’ involves a ‘U.S. Drug investigation bureau’ agent named Shiro (Kosuigi) who... Wait, ‘U.S. Drug investigation bureau’? That has to be the single worst fake agency in movie history... anyway, busts some yuppie coke heads on a boat somewhere in South America, I think. Honestly between the awful 80’s synth-pop song during the opening credits and the following scene where Shiro throws a Chinese star from a moving boat, against a stiff wind, and hits his target, I kinda zoned out for a few minutes. It wouldn’t be the last time.

Shiro heads back to the States (Arizona of course, where all major American law enforcement agencies are stationed) for a little R&R with his girlfriend... the type of dizzy, semi-attractive blonde girl that tended to get kidnapped in movies and video games in the 80’s. Dressed nattily in his tux and white silk scarf, Shiro is called away from dinner by his partner, who is nosing around a warehouse for some reason. I can’t remember and I didn’t write it down. It’s not important. What is important is that he’s caught, tortured and killed by a Dennis Miller circa 1988 look-a-like. Shiro shows up, dodges, flips and rolls a lot (Without losing his scarf!) and finds his partner dead. Since Shiro (And Kosugi) has only two emotions you can guess what comes next... Yep, a rage... of honor!

In true movie cop fashion, Shiro is warned not to seek revenge, quits and then sets off to seek said revenge anyway. He heads down to South America (And by that I mean the continent, not say Texas or something) and for reasons unknown he takes his girlfriend along. I guess he didn’t want to ‘rage’ alone. From here on folks the “plot” is a blank. I mean, I watched it and wrote down pertinent information, but when at one stage Shiro comes into possession of an important disk (An old school floppy!) it hit me that I had no clue what was going on in this movie. Everyone in the world was suddenly after this freaking disk and I had no idea why. Is it bad storytelling or just a good sedative? Maybe a little of both.

Okay, time to hit the FF button on this review. The girl is kidnapped (or maybe hijacked) and this sends Shiro into an even ragier rage... of honor! Shiro fights, and fights, and fights some more. He even fights the Dennis Miller look-a-like twice. I was so numb at the end that I honestly lost track of what happened to the girl and I didn’t care enough to re-wind back and find out.... apparently neither did Shiro. After offing the Dennis Miller look-a-like, and with his rage of honor fulfilled, the film cuts to the credits.

(For this review I put a little Kosugi spin on the old “What did we learn?” thing)

Things that are no match for Sho Kosugi

- Coked-up yuppies

- Exploding warehouses

- RPG’s

- Dennis Miller look-a-likes

Things that are a match for Sho Kosugi

- Rudimentary English

- Emotions

What I liked

- Like cologne sprayed on b.o., the non-stop action helps to mask the least intriguing plot in film history

- 3 words... Ninjas with flamethrowers

What I didn’t like

- The obscene lack of gratuitous gore and nudity

- The score is okay (barely), but the percussion is so random that it sounds like a drunk monkey fooling around with a drum machine

The bottom line: Lots of action and high production values (at least for this type of film) can only anesthetize you, they can’t make you enjoy it – 4/10

VH-1 debuts it’s newest slate of ‘celebreality’

2007-07-25T02:54:00.000-04:00

Proving once again that the 'VH' in 'VH-1' now stands for ‘Vintage has beens’, the network recently rolled out an all new batch of ‘Celebreality’. With these new shows already drawing huge ratings, the network has announced plans for more D-list goodness this Fall.

- From the makers of ‘Flavor of love’ starring Flavor Flav & ‘Rock of love’ starring Brett Michaels comes ‘Beaver of love’ starring Jerry Mathers

- Looking to capitalize on the success of wrestler Hulk Hogan’s ‘Hogan knows best’, VH-1 turns to another wrestler for this Fall’s ‘Benoit ~~knows~~ knew best’

- The producers of the new hit ‘Scott Baio is 45 and single’ bring us ‘Michael Jackson is 48, single and a pedophile’ hosted by Chris Hansen

- From the creators of ‘The Surreal life’ comes ‘The Cereal life’. Former cereal mascots live in a house and compete for prizes like Kazoo’s, pencil toppers, and stickers. Starring Yummy Mummy, Fruit Brute, Ice cream Jones, Quisp and Quake
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- Finally, the same people who documented celebrity addiction in ‘Breaking Bonaduce’ and ‘Shooting Sizemore’ bring you ‘Licking Lohan’ (May be delayed until after the trial and latest rehab stint)

8-bit Tecmo Commissioner vows to “Get tough”

2007-07-22T08:35:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - While the actual Roger Goodell continues to deal with player conduct issues in the “Real” National Football league his Tecmo counterpart, 8-bit Roger Goodell, has vowed to “Get tough” after a recent series of arrests involving Tecmo Super Bowl (1991, NES) players.

On June 22nd, Seattle Seahawks Punter Rick “Rootin’” Tuten was arrested for buying stolen goods and then reselling them for profit. According to police, an informant told Tuten that she “had two stolen flat screen televisions...” valued at $1,500. To which Tuten responded “I don’t know nothing about nothing.” He then instructed the woman to deliver the items to his home. Tuten paid the woman $600 for the televisions and then asked her to deliver more. He was booked and held overnight before later being released on $20,000 bond.

Just two weeks later, on July 6th, Kansas City Chiefs Defense lineman Bill “No” Maas and his twenty seven year old female companion were pulled over in Peoria, Illinois. Police searched the car and found a .22-caliber revolver, 5 grams of suspected marijuana, 6 grams of suspected cocaine and 28 pills of Ecstasy. Maas and his companion were charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana. Maas was also booked on a charge of unlawful use of a weapon.

“The Tecmo Super bowl National football league is embarrassed (Regarding recent events),” the pixilated commissioner said in a statement released late last week “and I can assure our fans that we will deal with the situation.” After consulting with owners and 8-bit players union representative Gene Upshaw, 8-bit Goodell announced that he was suspending Tuten and Maas 8 games each. “We want to send a clear signal to our players that this kind of conduct will not be tolerated.” Tecmo training camps open starting July 26th.

* - Read the background material

http://www.azcentral.com/sports/cardinals/articles/0708maas-ON.html

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/florida/news-article.aspx?storyid=84885

Ninja-mania part 1

2007-07-16T15:09:00.000-04:00

Ninja. The word alone conjures up images of masked warriors cloaked in black, of deadly fighting arts and of course, mutated turtles. What Kung-Fu was to the 70’s, Ninjitsu was to the 80’s. You couldn’t turn on a TV, open a comic book or walk down a toy aisle without seeing one.

Where the Ninja really flourished, however, was at the movies... well, more specifically on video and pay cable. It is through those mediums that they managed to infiltrate suburban Ohio and thus yours truly... and my friends and I were hooked. We would rush to the stand to buy Ninja magazine (Yes, they actually had a Ninja magazine) and we took a point of pride that famed American Ninjitsu practitioner (And Ninja magazine favorite) Stephen K. Hayes lived and taught right in our home town of Dayton, Ohio.
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Eventually the Ninja craze faded, but not before leaving behind a number of “classic” films. In my next several blogs I’m going to take a look at some of the more well known Ninja flicks, starting with my personal favorite, Revenge of the Ninja.

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

Jedi’s weren’t the only one’s getting their revenge in 1983... of course ultimately George Lucas decided that the Jedi simply “returned” instead... anyway, Ninja’s had no such moral dilemmas.

Sho Kosugi starred as Cho, a simple man/Ninja trying to live life as if it were still the 16th century. A gang of Ninjas oblige and wipe out his family, save for his infant son and elderly mother. Conveniently an American business man named Braden just happens to have been there trying to convince Cho to move to the States and help him open up a Japanese art gallery when the Ninjas show up. These two incidents couldn’t possibly be related, right?

Not surprisingly Braden’s offer starts to sound pretty good and faster than you can say “sayonara”, Cho moves to America. We flash forward eight years to when Cho and Braden open their gallery (Geez, I thought Ninja’s were supposed to be fast). Apparently Braden feels that a tiny studio consisting of about six flea market quality Japanese dolls will be a huge hit with Americans... or does he? Okay, enough teasing. Braden knows what Americans really want from Japan circa the early 80’s. Heroine! The crafty round-eye stashed the goods into the dolls to get them through customs, in effect making the gallery a drug front.

Meanwhile, Cho has sworn off Ninjitsu, save for teaching his son to be the most dangerous person under four feet this side of Yoda. Oh, he also teaches his police officer friend... and a hot blonde. Guess he didn’t swear it off completely. What he apparently has sworn off completely is sex. In one scene he rebuffs the Ninjbo’s (Combination of Ninja and Bimbo) half naked sexual advances, in what surely must be the ultimate display of Ninja discipline in film history!

Alas, Braden runs into a problem with a local mob boss named Caifano (Who looks a lot like Joe Pesci, but he’s not... I don’t think). When the Mafioso tries to screw Braden on the deal, we learn a shocking secret... Braden is a Ninja! And Caifano soon learns that it isn’t wise to piss off a Ninja... Even a middle aged white one.

Cho eventually learns of Braden’s betrayal, and when Braden learns about Cho’s learning about the betrayal he... wait, I lost my train of thought... Oh, Braden kills Cho’s mom, hypnotizes the blonde babe into kidnapping Cho’s kid and then sets off to exact revenge on the Mob. The crafty Ameri-Ninja plans a broad daylight assault on Caifano’s high rise. Now, normally I would say this is not a smart idea (Even for a Ninja), but in this version of Los Angeles Caifano’s men stand outside the front door of the building with M-16s and aren’t hassled by the cops, so it’s okay.

As you might imagine, Braden’s shenanigans honk Cho off, so he reluctantly dons his Ninja outfit and sets off to intercept him. What follows is a fifteen minute gore-a-thon, as Braden slices his way through the hapless goombas with Cho in pursuit. Ultimately the two Ninjas end up on the roof where they have their final showdown, a no holds barred bad (shut your mouth!) Ninja battle for the ages! I won’t tell you who wins, but it’s not Braden.

The bottom line

The budget is low and it’s IQ lower, but if you like your revenge Ninja style, this is the movie for you.

I give it a category adjusted 9/10
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Have you played Atari today?

2007-07-13T00:53:00.000-04:00

There’s no word that evokes nostalgic childhood memories for me quite like ‘Atari’. It brings to mind Saturday’s at Children’s Palace with my Dad, perusing the glass display case where they kept the more popular games and digging through the bargain bin for the $10 cheapies. To me Atari means ‘Frogger’ with friends, ‘Donkey Kong’ with Dad and ‘Defender’ ‘till dawn.

I had two ‘Atari 2600’s’, one at each of my parent’s houses. The one at home was the 4 switch wood panel model, which sort of reminded me of our red station wagon. The one at my Dad’s house has since been dubbed by ‘Atari’ aficionados as the ‘Darth Vader’ model for it’s slick, all black finish (Not unlike my Dad’s mid-life-crisis-mobile at the time, an ’82 Mustang 5.0 GT... I’m kidding, Dad! I miss that car by the way.). When my Dad remarried in 1985 we added not only three women to the house, but also about 40 more ‘Atari’ games, though most were doubles... the games I mean. Hey, you can never have enough copies of ‘Laser blast’, right?

Unlike a lot of kids who eventually moved on to the ill fated ‘Atari 5200’ or the ‘Colecovison’, I stayed true to my ‘2600’ until I got my first ‘Nintendo entertainment system’. Today my original wood panel ‘Atari’ is tucked away safely in my closet, never to be played again and preserved for all time as a treasure of my youth. My ‘Darth Vader’ model is now in my Dad and Step Mom’s basement, hooked up to a TV for my Nieces and Nephews to play (Along with one of my two original NES’) I bought another ‘Atari 2600’ strictly for playing at a flea market about six years ago.

The Atari 2600... One stick, one button... just as it should be.
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10 favorite ‘Atari 2600’ games

# 10 – Frogger

If I had a dime for every time I hopped onto a lily pad just as an alligator appeared... Well, I’d have a lot of dimes.

Fun fact!: Though I’ve played hundreds of hours of ‘Frogger’ on Atari, I’ve never played the arcade version.

Fun fact #2!: I also owned the Coleco tabletop version of ‘Frogger’.

# 9 – Haunted house

Oddball game, but I have a lot of fond memories of it... Just none that are interesting enough to share.

# 8 – Raiders of the lost Ark

As a HUGE ‘Indiana Jones’ fan, you can say that I might be a little biased here, but honestly I love this game. There really weren’t that many RPG’s for the ‘Atari 2600’, so ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’ provided a unique experience as a kid. Most of the games I’d played before just went on and on with no way to win (Like ‘Defender’ and ‘The Empire strikes back’) but ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’ had set of definable objectives and an end game... Of course, I wasn’t able to beat it as a kid (And it’s actually darn hard to beat as an adult).

Random observations and questions:

Is it just me or does the “Raving lunatic” in the Black market look like a carrot?

What’s up with that pedestal?

What in God’s name is a Tsetse fly?!

# 7 – Chopper command

“Get to da choppa!” That has absolutely nothing to do with this game, I just like saying it. As for the game, fun shooter. Sort of like an earth bound ‘Defender’.

# 6 – Pitfall!

Pitfall! is one of those games that evokes simpler video game times for me. Anyone remember this promotion?
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If you score 20,000 points (or more) on any one of your adventures with Harry,you will be eligible to join this prestigious organization. Just send us apicture of your TV screen showing your score, and we'll present you with aspecial Explorers' Club membership emblem.
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I seem to remember trying to take a picture of my score and it came out a giant white blur. The instruction manual ends with the following from Creator David Crane...
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"If you can find any writing materials deep in the jungle, drop me a line. I'd love to hear how you and Harry are getting along." - David Crane
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Is that the coolest or what?

# 5 – Pole position

This one would have actually ranked higher when I was a kid, but then I played the sit down “Cockpit” version at King’s Island one year and suddenly the 2600 version was a bit... lacking. Actually it’s a pretty decent port all things considered.

Fun fact!: There was a short lived ‘Pole position’ Saturday morning cartoon

# 4 – Asteroids

“Do you have Asteroids?”

“No, but my Dad does. He can't even sit on the toilet some days.”

One of those games everyone owned... even people who didn’t have an Atari. Let’s face it, it looks like a candy corn shooting at popcorn balls, but it’s a heckuva lot of fun and one of the best arcade to Atari ports IMO.

# 3 – Star Wars: The Empire strikes back

Again, as a HUGE Star Wars fan (And with ‘Empire strikes back’ being my favorite movie of all time) you might say I’m not exactly impartial here and you’d be right. However it’s impossible to deny the pure joy of destroying and endless stream of AT-AT’s and when that Atarized Star Wars theme kicks in... that’s pure magic right there. -
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Fun fact! – ‘The Empire strikes back’ is widely considered the best of the original Star Wars films, and it’s Atari counterpart is widely considered the best Star Wars game for the 2600 (The others include the port of the arcade version of ‘Star Wars’, ‘Star Wars: Jedi arena’ and ‘Return of the Jedi: Assault on the Death Star’.

# 2 – Combat

Not only is combat a lot of fun, it also has enough variety that it’s like several games in one. Invisible tanks, ricochet tanks and bi-planes... I could play it all day as a kid. Plus, my Dad and I would play this one together, so it has a special place in my heart.

# 1 – River Raid

‘River Raid’ was one of those games that my friends and I got together and played for hours. After the show ‘Airwolf’ came out, my friend Steve recorded about 10 minutes of music from the dog fight scenes by holding his boombox up to the TV and would play it back while he took his turn. Meanwhile the rest of us got stuck listening to the tape rewind.

Still a lot of fun to play, proving once again that graphics aren’t the most important part of what makes a game great.

Honorable mention

Adventure
Armor ambush
Grand Prix
Jungle hunt
Montezuma's Revenge
Ms. Pac-Man
Night driver
Space Invaders
Star Wars: The arcade game
Trick shot
Warlords
Yars’ revenge

Firewalker, Texas Ranger

2007-07-03T01:23:00.000-04:00

Back again with another entry from “Project re-wind” (For info on project re-wind, see the December 2006 archive and the post “Mac and me... and me”) This time I review my experience watching the “Film” ‘Firewalker’, starring Chuck Norris and... honestly, does it really matter who else?

Quest for Fire(walker)

I thought that I’d seen virtually every Chuck Norris movie at some point in my life, but I had forgotten about this mid 80’s ‘Indiana Clone’. If only it had stayed that way.

Movies like this are always an iffy proposition because they’re frequently out of print. Sure enough, there was only one copy in my library’s database, so I put in my request and waited... and waited... and waited some more. Eventually I forgot that I’d even requested it when, like an uninvited guest bearing a poo bouquet, it showed up... five months later.

It was a VHS copy (Of course) distributed by a company called ‘Video treasures’. Yeah, I thought it sounded like a porno company too. Is this a Chuck Norris movie or a Fu... ah, never mind.

Playing with Fire(walker)

Take a pinch of ‘Indiana Jones’, add dash of Allan Quartermain and throw in a dump truck full of monkey poop and you get ‘Firewalker’, an actionless action movie starring Chuck Norris and Louis Gossett Junior. Can one movie handle that much testosterone???!!!... Yes.

Movies like this can be cheesy good fun, and in fairness the actors in ‘Firewalker’ do try, but there’s simply no real action. No tension. No fun. None. At all. Not a smidge. Not a pidge. Not a fridge. Zip. Zilch. Nada. El none-o. La de es mucho el boring (Can you tell I failed Spanish?).

Norris and Gossett exchange butter knife sharp (And at times oddly homoerotic) banter, hunt for... something, and that’s about it. I’ve honestly had more fun at the dentist’s office than I did watching this turdsicle.

Random thoughts

The name of the editor is Richard Marx... He should have known better

What the heck ever happened to Louis Gossett Junior, anyway? We need another Iron eagle movie, damn it!

What I liked

The sweet release of the stop button

What I didn’t like

The production values are not high enough to make the movie good-good, and not low enough to make the movie bad-good. It’s just bad-bad

It’s popular to ask “What did we learn?” so here goes

Chuck Norris brings things out of Louis Gossett Junior “that he didn’t know he had in him”. Hmmmm, wonder what that could be, Lou? Given Gossett’s role in ‘An Officer and a gentlemen’ there’s a cheap Richard Gere joke here that a classy and sophisticated writer avoids... A GERBIL! (Good thing I’m neither classy nor sophisticated)

Video treasures is NOT a porno company, but you will get screwed if you watch their movies

The bottom line

Not even the mighty Chuck Norris can save this turkey 2/10

Up next, my ten favorite Atari 2600 games... And coming soon, more project rewind!

Saturday night at the Wal-Mart Cantina

2007-06-26T22:50:00.000-04:00

The other night, around 11, I was standing in line at my neighborhood Super Wal-Mart (Late night Frankenberry run) when I began unconsciously humming the “Cantina theme” from Star Wars. Anyone who’s ever been in Wal-Mart late at night knows what I mean. The soft, fluorescent glow seems to draw oddballs like moths to a flame. As I casually observed my fellow late night denizens of commerce, I began to regret not bringing my Lightsaber... even if it is just a flashlight with a blue plastic tube stuck on the end.

It took about fifteen minutes to check out because, in order, one guy tried to buy a bag of Funions with a payroll check and a stolen ID, two others knew less English than I know Klingon and our cashier had not a birth date on her drivers license, but a carbon date. Finally, I left there with my Frakenberry... and an idea for a blog.

I came up with a list of similarities and parallels between Wal-Mart after dark and the Star Wars Cantina. So, hop out of your Landspeeder, leave your droids outside and come with me inside this wretched hive of scum and villainy. Oh, and be careful... this place can be a little rough.

Wal-Mart after midnight VS the Star Wars Cantina

Star Wars Cantina – Aliens

Wal-Mart after midnight – Illegal aliens
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Star Wars Cantina – Ponda Baba missing an arm due to an unfortunate Lightsaber incident

Wal-Mart after midnight – Pudgy Bubba missing an arm due to an unfortunate firecracker incident
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Star Wars Cantina – Exotic drinks sold for outrageous prices

Wal-Mart after midnight – 32 Oz Gatorade, all flavors, 4 for 5 dollars
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Star Wars Cantina – Greedo

Wal-Mart after midnight - Guido
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Star Wars Cantina – Aged Jedi Knights

Wal-Mart after midnight – Aged cashiers
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Star Wars Cantina – Transport from Tatooine to Alderaan

Wal-Mart after midnight – Transport from Tijuana to Albuquerque
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Star Wars Cantina – Chewbacca

Wal-Mart after midnight – Chewing tobacco
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Star Wars Cantina – Smugglers

Wal-Mart after midnight – Hustlers
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Star Wars Cantina – Strange and hideous creatures

Wal-Mart after midnight – Uh, well... Strange and hideous creatures

May the Farce be with you!

Nintendo power

2007-06-21T03:30:00.000-04:00

I always say that I’m an 8-bit guy in a PS3 world (Boy, that’s deep isn’t it?), and so this blog is dedicated to my ten favorite games from the greatest invention of the 20th century, the Nintendo entertainment system.

My ten favorite NES games

# 10 - Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

Long before he became a tattoo-faced, ear-biting, mentally unbalanced rapist, Mike Tyson was the invincible, gap-toothed leviathan waiting for kids at the end of the NES game that bore his name... Ah, but first you had to get to him.

Only in the 80’s could a scrawny white kid who wears a tank top in the ring and jogs in a pink sweat suit actually compete for the heavyweight championship of world (Trust me, I was one... A scrawny white kid that is). As Little Mac (Not to be confused with his tastier brother, Big Mac) you fight your way through a veritable United Nations of politically incorrect fighters. Cowardly Frenchman, thinly veiled alcoholic Russians, fat monosyllabic Samoans with tender bellies... Okay, I’m not sure if the last one is actually a stereotype, but it aint flattering. With the help of your tubby trainer, Doc Louis (Think Carl Winslow from the TV show ‘Family matters’) you duck, dodge and super-punch your way to the biggest mismatch since David VS Goliath. People actual claim to have beaten Mike Tyson, even going so far as to post obviously doctored video proof on Youtube, but I’m not buying it. The 8-bit Tyson is an unstoppable killing machine. To quote Rocky IV “Anything he hits, he destroys!”.

If you haven’t played this one in a while, do yourself a favor and dig it out... Mike Tyson is waiting for your challenge!

#9 - Contra

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. Before ‘The Da Vinci Code’ there was ‘The Konami Code’, and trust me it was no less controversial. In the case of Contra, it allowed you to start the game with thirty, instead of three, men. In some circles I’m told that’s considered cheating, but I mean honestly, have you played Contra lately? It’s a beast! I’ve beaten Contra, both alone and teamed up with a friend, but never without that damn code.

Part of what makes Contra so great is the ‘Co-op’ function which allows two players to work together, and by work together I mean fight over who gets the best weapons. Co-op was a novel concept in the play, die, pass (the controller) Nintendo world of the late 80’s.

A great way to kill a few hours (and a few aliens) with a friend.

#8 – Super Mario Bros.

I often wonder how this game ever got past the suits at Nintendo. Can you imagine that pitch meeting? “Okay, it’s about an Italian plumber and his brother who fight turtles and eat mushrooms in an effort to save a princess.” Thankfully for us they didn’t call the guys in white coats.

Super Mario Bros. is the one game almost everyone has played. Heck, even my Mom has played it. Deceptively simple and highly addictive, it’s really the mascot for the 8-bit era.

Chances are this was the first NES game you ever played, and likely the first one you beat. It’s still a heck of a lot of fun, and worth a revisit. “Doo-doot-doot-doo-doo-doot---doot!”

#7 – Ninja Gaiden

In the 80’s, platform hack ‘n slash games weren’t known for their storytelling. You usually got some poorly translated (From Japanese to English) background story in your game manual, but that was about it. “Ken you are. Your wife been kidnapped by the evil Loco Dragon! Can you defeat and win big prize?” (That’s not from a real game, but not bad, eh?) Then came Ninja Gaiden. Suddenly, you weren’t just fighting to get to the next level, but also to see the next chapter of the story.

There’s a part of Ninja Gaiden, about half way in if I remember right (It’s been a while), where you have to simply leap (or flip?) over a large chasm. The problem is that bird of some sort enters screen right as you reach the half way point and crashes into you, sending you to your death. Over the course of one afternoon I must have died dozens of times thanks to that bird and it lead to the creation of the following reaction from my friend, Jason. “Tony’s dead! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”. From that day forward, every time I bit the 8-bit bullet, he punctuated my shame with that phrase. On quiet Summer evenings I swear that I can still hear his voice.

Unique, challenging and a lot of fun. Sequels are great too.

#6 – Mega Man

Playing Mega Man for the first time was a religious experience for me... Okay, that’s probably a bit much. It had a big impact, though. I loved the imaginative backgrounds and the unique robo-bosses, but what I really loved was the ability to assimilate each defeated bosses weapon into your arsenal and the non-linear playing style that let you choose which stage you wanted to start on.

The original Mega Man is still a lot of fun to play (Not to mention tougher than a two dollar steak) but the sequels improve upon the formula and might be a better place to start.

#5 – Super Mario Bros. 3

SMB 3 is widely considered the best NES game ever and it’s tough to argue (Though it’s not my favorite). In terms of the graphics and sheer depth, SMB 3 makes SMB look like a cave drawing.

No trip down 8-bit memory lane would be complete without a visit with SMB 3.

#4 - Mega Man 2

MM2 is a big leap forward for from the already awesome MM. The graphics are better and the game play is smoother. You also have to love the sheer awesomeness of the Mega Man music. Nintendo music is super easy to find all over the web, and you can't go wrong rockin' a little MM (Though I'd start with MM3).

If you don’t like MM2 you don’t like video games.

#3 - Castlevania

It may seem ridiculous now, but back in 1987 Castlevania was so creepy and atmospheric that you actually felt like you were in a real haunted castle. It was also one of those games that nearly every kid in your school claimed to have beaten, but I get the feeling most were lying. I should know, I was one of them.

Personally, I could never get past Frankenstein, or more specifically, Igor. The Igor of legend is little hunchback who drags his knuckles. The Igor of Castlevania is a hopped-up super-monkey with kung-fu grip! The Frankenstein level is just a bastard in general, and by the time I got to Frank I was on life support as it was... and then he sicked his little gimp on me and my goose was cooked. About four years ago I finally defeated Frank and his boss, Count Dracula and watched as his castle crumbled at my feet. I’m only sorry that the good people of Transylvania had to wait almost twenty years for me to free them from their 8-bit bondage.

With it’s great old school music and challenging game play, Castlevania is a great place to visit (and re-visit) but you wouldn’t want to live there... Unless you’re Marilyn Manson.

#2 – Tecmo Super bowl

Until a few years ago, I thought that I was the only person who was mildly obsessed with awesomely strange nuances of the 1991 NES football classic Tecmo Super Bowl. Boy was I wrong. An innocent Google search revealed that there is a whole lot of you out there familiar with the god-like powers of the otherwise human and anonymous Bob Nelson. That have replaced Steve Grogan with Marc Wilson. Who have witnessed the majestic ‘Mighty Bombjack’ show time and time again.

Because it’s a sports game, TSB has more replay value than your average game and so it’s no surprise that I’ve probably spent more hours playing it than any other video game ever. I’ve played against friends, I’ve played against the computer, I’ve played against possums with surgically attached opposable thumbs... I’ve played... You get the idea. And you really do have to play TSB a lot before the secrets are revealed to you, Grasshopper.

You don’t have to be a football fan to enjoy the greatest pigskin game of all time. Ready? Down! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut....

#1 - Mega Man 3

On the surface it’s easy to think the Mega Man games are just repeats, but that’s not exactly true. They always managed to add a new wrinkle or innovation, and in MM3 we get one of the best innovations of all, Rush, the robo-dog! I love all the Mega Man NES games, but for me MM3 is the pinnacle of the series.

I got this one out a few years ago and finally beat it. I can still hear the Proto Man whistle playing as I run through that gassy, pixalized meadow. Ahhhhhh.

Mega Man 3 is what the NES is all about.

Honorable mention

Anytime you make a “top” list you’re going to have some tough choices to make, especially when you only have ten spots. Here are some of the games that were in the running for the last few spots (I’m sure leaving ‘Legend of Zelda’ off was a bit controversial, but it just didn’t make my personal top ten cut).

Bionic Commando
Double Dragon
Ghosts & Goblins
Kid Icarus
Kung Fu
Gradius
Legend of Zelda
Life force
Metal gear
Pro Wrestling
R.C. Pro-Am
River city ransom
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II
Super C

Nintendo... now you’re playing with power!

Coming soon... My 10 favorite Atari 2600 games

"Hocus pocus": Reviewing 'Harry Potter'

2007-06-16T08:59:00.000-04:00

This July will mark the release of final chapter of the ‘Harry Potter’ saga, ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly hollows’. I didn’t get on board the Potter train (Or is that Hogwarts' express?) until the Summer of 2001. It took a few tries, but I finally got hooked on ‘Sorcerer’s stone’ on a hot July day spent inside with the A/C and within a month I had read all four books (Up to that time) in the series.

I was pretty into ‘Harry Potter’ for a while, but for one reason or another I’ve lost interest. Still, I’m definitely looking forward to ‘DH’ and finding out how it all ends.

In honor of the impending release of ‘The Deathly hollows’, I give you my famous one paragraph reviews, this time of the first six ‘Harry Potter’ books.

Remember, Pottermaniacs, they’re just my opinions... Please don’t cast a spell on me!!!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone – 9.5/10

Most enchanting and by far the least pretentious entry in the ‘Harry Potter’ saga. Thumbing through it now, it’s much simpler than the sequels, but that’s part of it’s enduring charm.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets - 8/10

A bit of a rehash of ‘Sorcerer’s stone’, but the darker tone and deepening plotline make it pretty engrossing.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 8/10

‘POA’ is the book where the tone of the ‘Potter’ series begins to shift sharply from the magic and wonder aspects of the first two books and becomes darker and more ominous. As usual plot twists abound and nothing is quite what it seems. Solid entry.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire – 9.5/10

Overly long thanks to a bit of hubris on Rowling’s part (The go nowhere ‘House elf liberation’ storyline for instance) but on balance I think it’s the best and most interesting book in the series (And the best ‘Potter’ movie too in my opinion).

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – 6/10

Long winded and often irritating thanks to Rowling’s insistence on making an angst-filled Harry as annoying as an actual teenager. As the fifth part of a seven part series, ‘OOTP’ is in an unfortunate position due to it’s inability to introduce anything, nor tie up anything, truly meaningful. The ‘Kill a character per book’ aspect also begins to feel like a cheap gimmick.

Harry Potter and Half blood Prince – 8.5/10

Series finds it’s footing once again. Plot twists and the looming of the inevitable make ‘HBP’ the most engrossing ‘Potter’ book this side of ‘Goblet of fire’. The series is starting to feel a little pretentious and self righteous at this point though in my opinion.

Bottom line: There’s no doubt that the ‘Potter’ series is a modern classic that is sure to endure for a long time. In my opinion, it’s the closest thing this generation of kids have to the original ‘Star Wars’ saga in terms of it’s enormous popularity and cultural saturation. In twenty years, when they look back at their youth, ‘Potter’ will define their childhood much as the original ‘Star Wars’ saga defines my own.

Hanging with the Hoff

2007-06-14T08:55:00.000-04:00

What follows is an actual account of one day in the life of mega star, David Hasselhoff

4 AM – 2 PM – Dreams... in fluent German

2:00 PM – Awakens

2:00 PM – 2:15 PM – Cries like a baby

2:20 PM – Bleary eyed Hoff mistakes A-1 sauce for milk, empties half the bottle onto a bowl of Fruity pebbles

2:20 PM – 2:30 PM – Scarfs down the cereal. Doesn’t notice the difference

2:35 PM – Mistakes a child’s kite outside his window for the “Hoff signal”

2:37 PM – 2:55 PM – Butters his chest and back, painfully squeezes into a too-small Members only jacket

2:57 PM – Hops into a rusted out ’82 Pontiac Trans Am

2:57 PM – 3:18 PM – Desperately tries to start the Trans Am

3:19 PM – Success! Zooms off to fight evil

3:21 PM – Gives up the fight

3:22 PM – Enters Shorty’s liquor store

3:25 PM – Exits Shorty’s liquor store carrying a large brown sack

6:45 PM – Awoken by LA police inside a park restroom. Screams “I am the Knight rider!” as cops drag him away

7:20 PM – Meets new cellmate, Bubba. Hoff quickly becomes a different kind of ‘Knight rider’

9:44 PM – Bailed out of LA county jail by a mysterious benefactor

9:52 PM – Calls a cab

10:07 PM – Angry Hoff keeps screaming at the cab driver to use turbo boost

10:23 PM – Tips cab driver with an autographed picture... of Parker Stevenson

10:31 PM – Changes into faded “SpongeBob: The movie” t-shirt and leopard print briefs

10:25 PM – Serenaded to sleep by the sound of his own whimpering sobs

Cartoons to movies: Observations and speculation

2007-06-10T00:18:00.000-04:00

The upcoming live-action 'Transformers' movie officially ushers in what appears to be an oncoming wave of films based on 80's cartoons/toy lines. In recent weeks new info concerning 'Masters of the universe', 'Thundercats' and 'G.I' Joe' movies have come to light. In this blog I take a look at those projects as well as some other 80's toons and their chances of reaching the big screen.

TRANSFORMERS

Highly anticipated and even more highly debated Summer 2007 film from director Michael Bay. Changes to the look and storyline of the classic ‘Transformers’ have had fanboys up in arms for over a year now. Michael Bay is also a lightning rod for many genre fans and his casual approach to their feelings regarding his interpretation (See: Drastic changes) to ‘Transformers’ has left some feeling cold. Latest trailer has quieted some of the critics and a lot of old school fans have resigned themselves to the fact that though it may not be their vision of ‘Transformers’, it just might deliver the goods as an action film.

Outlook: New trailer shows great promise that Bay has indeed made an incredible action film about transforming robots, but time will tell if it will ultimately feel enough like the ‘Transformers’ we grew up with to fully satisfy. Sequel seems inevitable at this point.

Odds it’ll be done right: 8/10

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

On again/off again big screen adaptation is now on again. At one time action director John Woo was attached, but he has since been replaced and his replacement has also been replaced. Latest buzz has ‘Masters of the universe’ as an amalgam of all the existing MOTU properties with a ‘300’ type of feel.

Outlook: 'Masters of the universe' remains enormously popular and if properly handled, it has great potential as both a film and a franchise.

Odds it’ll be done right: 7/10

THUNDERCATS

Recently announced and on the fast track for 2009. Little information is available and speculation is in the early stages.

Outlook: Strong fan following and great cinematic potential, but could be easily undone if what will be extensive make-up and prosthetics work aren’t done properly.

Odds it’ll be done right: 6/10

G.I. JOE

Speculated about for years, the 'G.I. Joe' movie was recently put on the front burner however controversy has erupted concerning the direction of the film. The film site latinoreview.com recently posted a review of the latest 'G.I. Joe' script which lambasted not only the script, but also the producer Lorenzo DiBonaventura. You can read the review at the link below.

http://www.latinoreview.com/scriptreview.php?id=62

Outlook: Sadly, it sounds as if the producers are on the wrong track. It's early in the process and there's still a chance that the powers that be will get the message that fans want a 'Real American hero' G.I. Joe movie with the characters and canon in tact.

Odds it'll be done right: 3/10 (Subject to change)

VOLTRON

A 'Voltron' has been in development for several years now (IMDB lists it as a 2008 project, but that seems unrealistic at this stage), but concrete information is hard to come by. At one point rap artist/producer Pharrell Williams was attatched to the project (And may still be)... why I have no idea. Safe to assume it will be based on the Americanized version of the 'Lion force' Voltron.

Outlook: Might have the best potential of any 80's cartoon cinematically speaking. New 'Transformers' movie has shown that modern digital F/X have advanced far enough to properly make a 'Voltron' film... assuming it's live-action.

Odds it'll be done right: 6/10 (Until we know more about the who and the what)

Other 80’s cartoons and their outlook for making it to the big screen

M.A.S.K.

Another cartoon/toy line where things transformed. Pitted Matt Trakker and M.A.S.K. against Miles Mayhem and the forces of Venom. (Another in a long line of 80’s cartoons with a great theme song)

Outlook: Popular in it’s time, but hasn’t even made it to DVD yet. Firmly occupies the second tier of 80’s toons and therefore unlikely to ever see the light of day as either a movie or new cartoon series/toy line.

Odds it’ll be made: 2/10

SILVERHAWKS

Similar in tone, feel and look to Thundercats (From the same creators and featuring many of the same voice actors) the Silverhawks (Think futuristic law enforcement) battled the wicked Mon-Starr and his band of ruthless thugs in the far reaches of space.

Outlook: Has great cinematic possibilities, but it doesn’t have the following to merit what would be a very big budget movie adaptation. A new cartoon makes more sense.

Odds it’ll be made: 4/10

GO-BOTS

This was the other toy line and cartoon about robots who could transform into vehicles... or was it vehicles that could transform into robots?

Outlook: Not nearly as popular as ‘Transformers’ and the latter has already stolen it’s thunder.

Odds it’ll be made: 1/10 (Paris Hilton is more likely to win a Nobel peace prize)

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

Group of kids are transported to the world of ‘Dungeons & Dragons’, where they are given special weapons and must face off against the evil Venger in their quest to find a way back home.

Outlook: A big screen ‘Dungeons & Dragons’ film was made a few years back, but it wasn’t based on the cartoon. It was also a flop with fans and critics alike (And followed up by a straight to video sequel for some reason, I believe). A new ‘D&D’ movie might not be directly based on the cartoon, but the premise is too good to not be adapted at some point.

Odds it’ll be made: 6/10

'Double' your 'Dragon' double your fun?

2007-06-02T05:26:00.000-04:00

‘Double Dragon' (1994)

With my review of Summer movie franchises complete, I turn my attention back to project re-wind and the film ‘Double Dragon’. If you’re unfamiliar with the premise of project re-wind, please check out the November 2006 archive and read the blog ‘Mac and me... and me’ http://overgrownboyscout.blogspot.com/2006/12/mac-and-me-and-me.html.

It’s a whimsical tour de force that will lift your spirits and warm your heart... Okay, it’s none of those things, but it does explain what this is all about.

Obviously, ‘Double Dragon’ is based on the covert Japanese cloning project of the same name that ran from 1967 through 1982... Oh, wait... okay, says here it’s actually based on a video game from the late 1980’s. Funny, it actually makes more sense when viewed through the former prism than the latter.

Procuring ‘Double Dragon’ from my public library was uneventful, so I’ll skip a blow by blow account of my search. That and I honestly can’t remember any details (It was on VHS though).

(Note – No, there was no Japanese cloning project called ‘Double Dragon’... or so they want us to believe.)

Double draggin’

I pop in the tape and suddenly I’m greeted by the ghost of crappy movies past. On Christmas day 1994 I spent an unfortunate two hours watching a poop-a-thon called ‘Street fighter: The movie’ starring Jean Claude Van Damme as Captain Rufus McTurd (Or something like that). I guess the 90’s were nirvana (pun!) for people who like bad movies based on good video games. Anyway, the trailer for ‘Street-Fister: The movie’ (As it shall hence forth be known) is at the beginning of ‘Double Dragon’ and I decided to watch it for old times sake. An hour later, after cleaning all of the crap out of my VCR, it was back to ‘Double Dragon’.

I first played the game ‘Double Dragon’ on the NES back in the late 80’s (The NES version is a port of an arcade game of the same name). The plot was simple: For some reason your girlfriend is standing alone in a bad part of town. Some thugs walk up and try and sell her a knock off Gucci purse and... wait, that’s not it. I think they punch her in the gut and then carry her away. Eventually Captain come lately (You) comes along and must side scroll his way through hordes of Mini-Incredible Hulk look-alikes, heterosexually challenged, whip wielding babes and ‘roided up giants. Pretty cool, eh? Of course there’s none of this in the movie... except for the ‘roided up giant.

Okay, to the movie. It stinks worse than an elderly marathoner's underpants (Of course) but it’s by God watchable... perhaps not re-watchable, but watchable. The film's manic energy sustains your interest between the sadly too few Alyssa Milano scenes... but what scenes they are!

‘Double Dragon’ is set in the year 2007 and made some bold predictions... Let’s see how they did

- Madonna divorces Tom Arnold - WRONG!

- There’s something called “Old York” - WRONG!

- Jerry Brown is Vice President - WRONG!

- L.A. is rocked by earthquakes and overrun with violent gangs –
WRO... well... Okay they got one right.

Random thoughts

- At the start of the film we begin “Somewhere in China”. It’s a bad sign when a screenwriter is too lazy to open an atlas

- One of the brothers is white and the other brother... well, isn’t. He’s vaguely Asian. I think Mrs. Lee has some ‘splaining to do!

- Why do people still intentionally live in a city that bad? Aren’t there airplanes in 2007? (Hint – Yep, still airplanes!)

- Even with a bleach blonde haircut that Rosie O’Donnell would consider butch, Alyssa Milano is still hot

It's popular to ask "What did we learn?" so here goes

- Steroids give you hemorrhoids... on your neck

- There's plenty of peroxide in the future

The bottom line: It's dumb and it's cheesy but for some reason (Alyssa Milano) I liked it - 3/10

Summer movie franchise reviews: Star Wars

2007-05-31T03:19:00.000-04:00

Saving the best for last, I top off my review of Summer movie franchises with the ‘Star Wars’ saga. There are several camps in the ‘Star wars’ fan community (Of which I am a certified member of). Original trilogy fans... Prequel trilogy fans... Love them all or leave it fans. I’m in the original trilogy fans group. I wanted to love the prequels, but ultimately didn’t (No, George Lucas didn’t ruin my childhood :p). Anyway, I endeavored to give the prequel films an honest shake and I believe that I have.

* Note 1 * - My reviews of the “classic” Star Wars saga are based on the “original” versions, not the “Special editions”. I prefer my Sy Snoodles with visible strings and a tiny, barely articulated mouth... sue me!

* Note 2 * - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to ‘fan boy’ (And girl) type of films. Remember, it’s just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man’s opinion. Disagree? Leave a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate).

THE STAR WARS SAGA

Star Wars Episode I: The phantom menace (1999) – 3.5/10

Perhaps the most anticipated movie of all time and unfortunately a complete turkey. Star Wars in name only, ‘Menace’ is plagued by bad acting, an even worse script and an over reliance on computer generated F/X. If the saga had been filmed in order, it’s doubtful it would have gotten beyond this point.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) – 5.5/10

Prequel round two is a noticeable improvement over Episode I, but still suffers from bouts of what I call ‘Prequelitis’ (Some stiff performances, too much CGI). The drama is hit or miss (With the romantic aspects representing most of the misses) but the action is full throttle and entertaining. Special F/X have a video game-like quality at times, but overall it hits the mark enough times to satisfy.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005) – 7/10

Third time’s a charm for Lucas’ prequel trilogy, as ‘Sith’ is more or less the kind of movie that fans wanted all along. The performances are very good (Especially Ewan McGregor), the special F/X truly special and the story by and large satisfyingly told. It’s not without a few cringe-worthy moments, and it never quite reaches the level of the original trilogy, but ‘Sith’ manages to send the saga out in style.

Star Wars Episode IV: A new hope (1977) – 10/10

Before it changed cinema, became a toy or a of catch phrase, the original ‘Star Wars’ was just a movie... a great movie. I wonder sometimes if the movie has gotten buried under all it’s since become; Under the hype and the endless analysis. That would be a shame, because the first ‘Star Wars’ was, is and will always be the single best example of cinematic magic at it’s finest.

(Note – A new hope is #2 on my all-time favorite movies list)

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire strikes back (1980) – 10/10

‘Empire’ is a cinematic masterpiece. Not simply content to recycle the feel good original, it expands it’s predecessor’s deceptively simplistic scope into a grand spectacle of space opera. ‘Empire’ is deeper, darker and more artistic than ‘New hope’ yet is never looses it’s sense of genuine wonder. This all leads to it’s tragic and shocking final act, which demands that for the first time viewer the saga must be watched in the order of it’s original release.

(Note – The Empire strikes back is #1 on my all-time favorite movies list)

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983) – 8.5/10

Not as fun as ‘A new hope’ nor as sophisticated and dark as ‘Empire’, ‘Jedi’ tries (Unevenly at times) to be an amalgam of both. Still, the film’s few misfires (Ewoks, the over use of Muppets and aliens in general) are not enough to drag down the triumphant final chapter of the Star Wars saga.

The bottom line: ‘Pirates’ are okay... ‘Neo’ and ‘Frodo’ too, but ‘Star Wars’ is forever.

Coming next... back to project rewind with the movie ‘Double Dragon’

The 30th anniversary of Star Wars

2007-05-26T03:06:00.000-04:00

30 years ago, in a cinema far, far away....

May 25th marked the 30th anniversary of the release of the original ‘Star Wars’ (Now ‘Star Wars Episode IV: A new hope’). I had just turned three, and thus literally can’t remember a world without Star Wars in it.

Unless you were alive (and especially a kid) during the original Star Wars era (1977-1983) it’s really not possible to imagine just how omnipresent it was. Star Wars was everywhere... I mean everywhere. I slept on Star Wars sheets, ate from Star wars plates, carried my lunch in a Star Wars lunchbox and did my homework in a Star Wars notebook... All that only to return home to play with my Star Wars toys. I think Star Wars will ultimately come to define my generation, much the way the Beetles define my parent’s.

Today, Star Wars remains as popular as ever. A new generation has embraced the original trilogy as well as the prequel trilogy, which they no doubt claim as their own. With two new television shows on the horizon and new books, video games and toys hitting shelves every month, Star Wars shows no signs of slowing down.

To be honest, I was not a fan of the prequels, but that’s not important. The original Star Wars trilogy means as much to me today as it did 30 years ago and the prequels undoubtedly have inspired a new generation of kids who will in turn share all of the films with their kids some day.

So to George Lucas, for a lifetime of imagination, let me just simply and sincerely say, thank you.

May the Force be with you!

Over the coming days I’ll be posting my Summer franchise review of the Star Wars saga and a another post on my favorite Star Wars related memories.

Summer movie franchise reviews: The Karate Kid

2007-05-25T00:36:00.000-04:00

Up next in my review of Summer movie franchises is the ‘Karate Kid’ trilogy... Yep, I said trilogy. I went back and forth on the idea of including ‘The Next Karate Kid’, but decided to leave it out on principle. Needless to say, I don’t like it.

As for the actual trilogy, I also must confess that I am biased when it comes to these movies. It is hard to defend both the artistic merit and necessity of the third ‘Karate Kid’, yet I have to be true to my self and write how I really feel, thus it’s (relatively) high rating.

* Note * - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to ‘fan boy’ (And girl) type of films. Remember, it’s just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man’s opinion. Disagree? Leave a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate).

THE KARATE KID TRILOGY

The Karate Kid (1984) – 10/10

Often imitated, but never duplicated. The ultimate underdog movie is much deeper than the pop culture references it’s now known for. The entire film is basically a two hour set-up for the final minute, and when the hero wins the day, it’s like exhaling after a long breath. The chemistry between Morita and Macchio is once in a lifetime stuff. A classic.

The Karate Kid II (1986) – 8.5/10

‘Karate Kid II’ is that rare sequel which actually feels like an organic extension of the story rather than a cash grab. The real surprise here is that the story actually revolves around Mr. Miyagi, with Daniel along for the ride. The exotic locales, themes of forbidden love and life or death consequences make ‘The Karate Kid II’ more than just a paint by numbers sequel, but a worthy film in it’s own right.

The Karate Kid III (1989) – 7/10

If the ‘Karate kid’ saga has taught us one thing, it’s that no matter where he goes, people just want to kick Daniel LaRusso’s ass (And in ‘The Karate Kid III’ there’s more of Daniel’s ass to kick, thanks to his slowing metabolism due to the onset of middle age) . At this stage it’s hard to defend the ‘Necessity’ of another ‘Karate Kid’ movie, but none the less you have to judge a film on it’s own merits. Simultaneously darker and campier than it’s predecessors, ‘Karate Kid III’ is the least emotionally engaging film in the trilogy as it rehashes elements of the first film into a story of revenge and redemption. Still, the chemistry remains and we get a couple of new scene chewing villains to spice things up. Preposterous, but entertaining and ultimately satisfying.

The bottom line: Though believability starts to wave ‘Bye bye’ after the first film, the trilogy still holds up as worthy saga that should continue to win over generations of new fans.

Coming next... The ‘Star Wars’ saga!

Summer movie franchise reviews: Indiana Jones

2007-05-22T00:57:00.001-04:00

Up next in my review of Summer movie franchises is the ‘Indiana Jones trilogy’. Next year, Indy returns in his long (long, long, long) awaited fourth adventure. Rumors that Lucas and Spielberg will be calling it ‘Geriatric Jones and the last toupee’ are completely unfounded.

* Note * - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to ‘fan boy’ (And girl) type of films. Remember, it’s just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man’s opinion. Disagree? Leave a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate).

THE INDIANA JONES TRILOGY

Raiders of the lost Ark (1981) – 10/10

In my opinion, ‘Raiders’ is the definitive action/adventure film of all time. Every element, from story, to cast to score are so perfect, that they spoil you for life. Watching it, one can’t help but ask aloud “Why can’t Hollywood make more films like this?”. Simply put, ‘Raiders’ is what going to the movies is all about.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of doom (1984) – 6/10

While certainly not a bad film, ‘Temple’ represents a pronounced step back from the perfection of ‘Raiders’. The film trades thrills for scares and Nazis for Indian cultists as Indy, his kid sidekick and Spielberg’s future wife search for a powerful stone. The creepy-crawly stuff is heaped on a bit too thick, and Kate Capshaw’s prissy character frays the nerves but ‘Temple’ still strings together enough genuine thrills to rate a cut above average.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) – 9.5/10

Indy gets back on track and back to what he does best... Racing against Nazi’s in pursuit of powerful, biblical artifacts. ‘Crusade’ jettisons the dark tone of ‘Temple’ and returns to the spirit of fun and adventure established in ‘Raiders’. From the opening prologue showing a young Indy in action, to the pitch perfect casting of Sean Connery as Indy’s father, ‘Crusade’ hits all the right notes.

The bottom line: Beloved film series and deservedly so. Even the missteps in ‘Temple of doom’ represent a giant leap above most of what passes for action/adventure these days. A timeless classic.

Up next... The Karate Kid trilogy.

Summer movie franchise reviews: Superman

2007-05-20T02:48:00.000-04:00

The next summer franchise I take a look at is ‘Superman’. Like the ‘Batman’ franchise, it has had it’s share of highs and lows. With four different directors, and two completely different casts spread out over almost thirty years, it goes without saying that the ‘Superman’ saga is impossible to judge as a whole (Unlike, say, ‘Spider-Man’ and ‘Star Wars’) but rather must be judged on a case by case basis.

* Note * - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to ‘fan boy (And girl)’ type of films. Remember, it’s just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man’s opinion. Disagree? Leave a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate).

THE SUPERMAN SAGA

Superman (1978) – 8.5/10

The Granddaddy of the modern comic book film. The one to which everything is owed, and to which all subsequent films are compared. Nearly thirty years later, the original ‘Superman’ looks and feels antiquated in some superficial respects. The clothes, the technology and the special F/X are all dead giveaways of it’s time and place. Standing the test of time, however, is the film’s unpretentious sense of wonder. Character defining performances by Gene Hackman, Margot Kidder and especially Christopher Reeve along with one of the grandest movie themes in history make this film a special, and timeless classic.

Superman II (1980) – 8/10

In some ways, ‘Superman II’ is actually superior to it’s predecessor. This is (mostly) because Superman finally has a villain who can stand boot to boot with him... actually, make that boot to boots, as he squares off against three Kryptonian Super villains (Teased at the beginning of the first ‘Superman’ film). Most people are aware of ‘Superman II’s’ production problems, and that may very well account for the unevenness of the plodding second act. It’s the finale, however, that lifts ‘Superman II’ to classic status as Superman and the Krypto’s have a knock down, drag out fight in the streets of Metropolis before heading off to Superman’s Fortress of solitude for the clever and satisfying finale.

* Note * - There is a so-called “Donner cut” of Superman II available on DVD that is different enough from the theatrical release to be considered separately, but for the purposes of this review I focused on the original and “Canonical” theatrical version

Superman III (1983) – 4/10

No two words typify the shift in the tone of the series better than these: Richard Pryor. ‘Superman’ III jettisons any attempt at substance in favor of a lot of cheap laughs and even cheaper thrills. The result feels, you guessed it, cheap. Some credit must be given for attempting something new (No Lex Luthor, no Lois Lane melodrama, and Clark’s prodigal return to Smallville) but it’s not enough to lift this often dull and clumsy effort.

Superman IV: The quest for peace (1987) – 2.5/10

Before there was ‘Batman and Robin’ there was ‘Superman IV: The quest for peace’. Lambasted by virtually every fan boy and critic alike, ‘Superman IV’ was a rather pathetic (And temporary) end to 'Superman' saga. As the title indicates, the plot involves Superman’s quest for “peace”. How? By riding the world of all nuclear weapons. Feel that morally equivalent finger poking you in the chest? Still, it’s not quite as heavy handed as the title and premise suggest. What really does ‘Superman IV’ in is that it was done on the cheap, having become the property of 80’s schlock producers Golan/Globas. With it’s cut rate F/X and juvenile storytelling, it feels every inch like the cash grab that it was. In spite of all this, Christopher Reeve never mails it in, delivering his usual classy performance as the ‘Man of Steel’. Alas, even 'Superman' can't save this movie from the forces of cheapness.

Superman returns (2006) – 5.5/10

The undisputed king of Superheroes is brought back after a nearly 20 year absence from the big screen. Keeping 'Superman 1&2' as canon and wisely jettisoning the rest, ‘Returns’ is a reverent take (Sometimes too much so) on Richard Donner’s version of the Man of steel. Brandon Routh does his best Christopher Reeve impression in the dual role of Clark Kent/Superman and Kevin Spacey makes for a more dangerous Lex Luthor than we’ve seen before but the rest of the cast is forgettable and in some cases regrettable. The real problem isn’t the lack of freshness but a boring script, which makes a disastrous attempt to get in touch with the inner turmoil of Superman. John Williams’ magical theme is the only thing that lifts the spirit. I found ‘Returns’ to be too long, often tedious and ultimately anti-climactic. A total letdown.

The bottom line: Classics, turkeys and everything in between, the ‘Superman’ saga runs the gamut but non the less still stands tall in the pantheon of movie franchises.

Next up, I switch gears a little and dig my way through 'The Indiana Jones saga'...

Summer movie franchise reviews: Spider-Man

2007-05-16T07:17:00.000-04:00

In part two of my reviews of Summer movie franchises (For the 'Batman' franchise and a full explanation, please see part 1) I take a look at the Spider-Man trilogy, which has become without question the most popular and successful comic book franchise of all time... but is it the best?

*Note* - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to fan boy (and girl) films. Remember, it's just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man's opinion. Disagree? Leave me a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate)

THE SPIDER-MAN SAGA

Spider-Man (2002) – 7.5/10

Underneath all the F/X wizardry, Spider-Man is a surprisingly old fashioned, golly-gee-whiz type of movie. Director Sam Raimi makes no attempt to give Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tobey McGuire) a “Hip” edge. No piercings. No tats. No ‘tude. He’s just a sensitive nerd who gets good grades, is respectful to his elders, pines for the girl-next-door and strives to do the right thing. The movie is really quite character-centric, trying to get us to care about the guy inside the costume, and it works. What doesn’t work as well is the Green Goblin, played with scene chewing zest by Willam Defoe. The armored ‘Goblin’ costume makes him look like (As one review put it) “a deranged Power Ranger” and the final confrontation between he and Spider-Man is a little weak. Overall Spider-Man is a sweet, satisfying movie, but not quite a classic.

Spider-Man 2 (2004) – 7.5/10

Like it’s predecessor, Spider-Man 2 often works better as a character study than an action movie. This time around, Peter Parker becomes overwhelmed by the responsibility of being Spider-Man and the toll it takes on his personal life and decides to give up his web slinging alter ego. It's a gutsy call by Sam Raimi to essentially abandon his title character for basically the entire second act, but the payoff is big since by the time the third act begins, we're rooting for our hero to find his way. Unfortunately, another weak villain portrayal (In the form of 'Doctor Octopus') and another disappointing climax mar this otherwise well crafted effort.

Spider-Man 3 (2007) – 7/10

At times Spider-Man 3 feels like a twelve ounce movie trying to hold twenty four ounces of story. Not content with just cramming in three villains, the third chapter also heaps on a love triangle, a revenge plot and an emotional crises for our hero. As Aunt May would say “You’re not, Superman you know”. Unfortunately all of these elements bog down the story at times, as Sam Raimi tries to tie together all the loose ends in what may be his (and the cast’s) final go-round with Spider-Man. (Not an uncommon problem, as the final installment of both ‘Star Wars’ trilogies and ‘Return of the King’, the third ‘Lord of the Rings’ film, all had similar issues) That aside, Spider-Man 3 is still comparable, both good and bad, with the other two films in the saga and a solid bookend to this successful trilogy.

The bottom line: There's no denying the popularity of the Spidey saga, and many consider Spider-Man 2 to be the best 'Comic book' movie of all time. I guess I'm in the minority on this. Though I do like the movies, I think that they veer too often between frivolity (Violin playing street performer playing the old Spider-Man cartoon theme) and melodrama (Peter's love life) to rank with 'Batman begins' (My personal fave).

Coming up next... Superman!

Summer movie franchise reviews: Batman

2007-05-14T04:09:00.000-04:00

Well, another Summer movie season is finally upon us. No more “message” films or other cinematic turds flung our way. It’s blockbuster time, baby! Spider-Man 3 kicked off a pretty decent slate of “genre” movies that includes ‘Pirates of the Carribean 3’ (AKA ‘At world’s end’), ‘Fantastic four 2’ (AKA ‘Rise of the Silver surfer’) and ‘Transformers’ (AKA ‘I hope Michael Bay doesn’t screw this up’).

To celebrate this, I’m going to do a series of posts reviewing Summer movie ‘Franchises’. They’re what I call ‘One paragraph reviews’ (Short and sweet, like a dwarf covered in sugar). For instance, in today’s post I review the ‘Batman’ saga. I use a 1-10 scale, allowing .5’s for even more flexibility.

* Note * - Nothing stirs the pot like a review, especially when it comes to ‘fan boy (And girl)’ type of films. Remember, it’s just one (Studly, smart, handsome, sexy, brilliant, super-duper macho) man’s opinion. Disagree? Leave a comment and let me know! (Not about me being studly, as that is beyond debate).

THE BATMAN SAGA

Batman (1989) – 8.5/10

While not reverent enough to it’s source material to please hard core fans, if taken on it’s own merits Tim Burton’s ‘Batman’ is a fantastic film. Imaginative designs and a wonderful score by composer Danny Elfman give it an epic, operatic feel sadly missing in today’s cheap-thrills genre movies. Michael Keaton gives a surprisingly layered performance as Bruce Wayne/Batman and Jack Nicholson is brilliant as Batman’s arch-nemesis, The Joker.

Batman returns (1992) – 6/10

Here began the unfortunate trend of multiple villains that ultimately helped to doom the franchise. Batman becomes a supporting player to Dan DeVito’s annoying Penguin and Michelle Phifer’s sexy, scene-stealing Catwoman. Another problem is that the entire movie appears to have been filmed indoors, giving it both a phony and claustrophobic feel. The final showdown is a preposterous anti-climax that sinks the whole affair for good.

Batman forever (1995) – 4.5/10

‘Forever’ is more generically entertaining than the gothic and morose ‘Returns’, but more absurd and less artful by far. New director Joel Schumacher creates Gotham as acid flashback and turns up the ham-o-meter to 10. Jim Carey is entertaining, if over the top, as ‘The Riddler’ but Tommy Lee Jones is god awful as ‘Two face’. Val Kilmer takes over for Keaton and sleep walks his way to a fat paycheck, as Batman is again overshadowed by the villains. Chris O’Donnell is okay as ‘Robin’, Nicole Kidman looks beautiful but try’s to hard with her breathy performance as Batman’s love interest, stuff goes BOOM! and the whole thing moves through your system as fast as Chinese food and with the same end result.

Batman and Robin (1997) – 1/10

The movie that accomplished what no villain ever could... it killed Batman. The cinematic equivalent of poop flung against a wall, ‘Batman and Robin’ is a horrible misfire on every level. George Clooney appears bored and embarrassed as he takes over the role of the Dark Knight, while Alicia Silverstone gives one of film’s all-time cringe-inducing performances as the unnecessary ‘Batgirl’. Arnold Schwarzenegger is abysmal and miscast as ‘Mr. Freeze’ and even Uma Thurman can’t rise above the material in her under-developed role as ‘Poison Ivy’. One of the worst big budget (or any budget) films of all time.

Batman begins (2005) – 10/10

Having reached ground zero with 'Batman & Robin', Warner Brothers put Batman back in his cave until the time was right. What a difference a decade makes. 'Begins' is a serious, and dare I say artful, take on the Batman legend. Instead of hiring trippy "Visionaries" like Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher, WB went with a filmmaker who had the ability to tell a story, Chris Nolan. Teamed with an expert in the genre, co-writer David Goyer, Nolan avoids the pitfalls of comic book neophyte Ang Lee's disappointing 'Hulk'. ‘Begins’ is a complete re-boot of the franchise, intelligently and expertly constructing the character of Bruce Wayne before he dons the familiar cape and cowl. Christian Bale (Bruce Wayne/Batman) heads a stellar cast in this genre re-defining film. (* Note * - ‘Batman begins’ is currently #5 on my all-time favorite movies list).

The bottom line: Franchise veers wildly between artful, wacky and just plain awful. With the release of 'begins', Batman's cinematic legacy is still being written.

Still to come, more Super-heroism as I swing with the ‘Spider-Man’ franchise, I tug on ‘Superman(‘s)’ cape and I mutate with the ‘X-Men’... Plus, I’ll dig through the ‘Indiana Jones’ trilogy (Soon to be a quadilogy or something like that), I’ll kick it with ‘The Karate kid(s)’ and of course get Forceful with my personal favorite, the ‘Star Wars’ septilogy (Or something like that)... And more!

TV shows to movies part 2: Knight rider

2007-05-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

In part two of my series “TV shows to movies”, I take a look at a possible Knight rider movie. It’s an idea that’s been kicking around for several years now, with Ben Affleck featuring most prominently in the rumors to star as Members only aficionado Michael Knight.

I’ve always loved Knight rider and I think that as long as they treat it with the proper respect, it could be very good. Personally I’d like to see them to take a ‘Batman begins’ type of approach, but I’m not counting on it.

KNIGHT RIDER

Michael Knight – Hugh Jackman – For years, David Hasselhoff has insisted that he wants to play Michael Knight in the big screen version of Knight rider, but since this will likely be an origin story and not ‘Knight rider: The rehab years’, I’d say The Hoff will have to buy a ticket like everyone else. Hugh Jackman strikes me as someone who can sell the banter between he and the Teamster who feeds him K.I.T.T.’s lines off screen.

Devon Miles – Ian McKellen – For the role of Devin you need a sophisticated old British guy, so why not Wolverine’s nemesis, Magneto?

- Keep the same theme music, though updated and re-recorded
- Use William Daniels as the voice of K.I.T.T.

- Keep the basics (Red light, black car)

Don’t

- Make it ‘The fast and the furious’ but with a talking car
- Make K.I.T.T. a Toyota/Nissan/Mitsubishi etc.
- Fill the soundtrack with hip-hop and emo music
- Give Michael Knight a human side-kick/teen whiz-kid/overly spunky female love interest

TV shows to movies part 1: Airwolf

2007-04-23T02:59:00.000-04:00

Lots of my favorite 80's action shows have, will or are rumored to be making the leap to the big screen over the next few years. We've already seen Miami Vice (Which unfortunately I didn't like) and Knight rider and the A-Team are listed as being in "Pre-production" over at IMDB (Of course, they've been in "Pre-production" for a few years now).

Even an optimist like me can't help but believe that Hollywood will screw these films up, but a bad Knight rider movie is better than Legally Blonde 3, right? In the mean time I thought it would be fun to play Hollywood executive, so I got coked up and bought a Lamborghini... Actually, I came up with a "Fantasy cast" for some of the rumored and hoped for films as well as a short list of "Do's" and "Don'ts" for each. For part one of this series I chose Airwolf (Sadly, IMDB does not list an Airwolf movie in production, nor have I heard any credible rumors)

AIRWOLF

Stringfellow Hawk - Brad Pitt - This is not a ruse to get Pitt away from Angelina Jolie so that I can make my move, I swear! (I'd have better luck dressing up as a Namibian baby and getting her to adopt me anyway) I've never been a huge Brad Pitt fan, but he is good at brooding on screen (See the movie Seven) and that's perfect for String.

Dominic Santini - Paul Sorvino - It would take more than just being a pudgy Italian-American to play Dom and Paul Sorvino brings the ability to be warm, but also a curmudgeon.

Arc Angel - Michael Douglas - Even though he was a "Good guy", you never quite knew whether or not to trust Arc Angel. Michael Douglas has a history of playing that type of character very well.

Dr. Charles Henry Moffett - Anthony Hopkins - Brilliant, dangerous, slimy... Hopkins was born to play this role (As long as he doesn't mail it in with a cheap, Hannibal Lector imitation)

- Keep the same title music and various themes, albeit re-recorded with a full orchestra

- Stick to the basic canon of the show

- Use real helicopters, jets and tanks

Don't

- Disrupt the chemistry by introducing Caitlin into the films

- Use CGI gimmickry in the dogfights. Keep it real

- Use the movie to make geo-political points on either side of the spectrum, this is entertainment

Okay, Hollywood, there's your next $200 million dollar blockbuster... Get to it!

Coming next time... Knight rider

'The Black hole', aptly named?

2007-04-17T11:16:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s been awhile since I reviewed a movie for “Project re-wind” so let’s jump right into... (Dum, dum, dum!) ‘The Black hole’.

Rewind, re-watch

Technically “Project re-wind” is only for movies that I haven’t seen before, but I thought I’d shake it up a bit by going back and re-watching a film that I had seen, but not in a long time... The 1979 Disney “Classic” 'The Black hole'.

Searching for ‘The Black hole’

As usual I used the vast resources at my disposal... The public library system. A search turned up one, one measly copy of ‘The Black hole’ and on VHS no less. It arrived within days (Bad omen alert!?) and a quick glance at the date stamp sticker revealed that it’s about as popular as syphilis, with it’s last return date being May 18 2006.

My memory of ‘The Black hole’ was a bit fuzzy going in. I remembered a pair of floating robots, a scary looking German and that’s about it. I dusted off the VCR, put in the tape and got sucked into ‘The black hole’... That's sucked into a black hole. Sinners.

Entering ‘The Black hole’

Ladies and gentlemen we have an Ernest Borgnine sighting! Ernie's presence lifts my hopes for the movie early on in spite of the incessant melodramatic score that punctuates every single event. The crew spot the Black hole, here comes the music. Ernest Borgnine eats a doughnut, here comes the music. It sounds like a sci-fi version of ‘Psycho’. (Thankfully Borgnine doesn’t get anywhere near a shower) Oh, did I mention that the film also stars Anthony Perkins? Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Dum, dum! Dum, dum!

The F/X are actually okay for their time and the sets are big [Insert Ernest Borgnine joke here]. It’s not what you’d call an action heavy film, but it did hold my interest (Well, I managed to watch it in two sittings spread out over a week). The actors all give solid performances (Though the humans are outshone by the robots). Basically it plays like an above average episode of Star Trek... Deep space 9.

What I liked

The robots

Maximillian Schell

Borgnine’s mustache

What I didn’t like

The score

Borgnine’s sideburns

It’s popular to ask “What did we learn?” so here goes

Germans... always scary

The Black hole in the title does not refer to Borgnine's stomach

It’s possible to have a psychic connection with a robot

Never trust Ernest Borgnine. Ever!

Random thoughts

Borgnine never had a ‘Slim’ period

V.I.N.C.E.N.T is a thinly disguised amalgam of R2-D2 and C-3PO

The bottom line

A better than it’s reputation science fiction B movie. 6/10

ATTENTION WIMPS!

2007-04-15T08:48:00.000-04:00

Are you training for a _____ (Choose one: Karate tournament, boxing match, big race/game)? Is your _____(Choose one: Sensei, coach, best friend) frustrated with your lack of progress? Do you need something to give you that edge so that you can find the winner inside, defeat the _____ (Choose one: Bully, jock, Russian) and get the girl of your dreams? Then you need... a montage! With a montage you can cram years of intense training into four short minutes! Of course you can't have a montage without music and just any old music won't due. Below are ten songs to help you get the girl and save the day.

10 - Hold on to that vision by Kevin Chalfant (No retreat, no surrender soundtrack) - If you've ever heard this song you don't need this list. I bow to you.

9 - Dare by Stan Bush (Transformers the movie soundtrack) - Of course it didn't keep Optimus Prime from being killed so use at your own risk.

8 - Live to win by Paul Stanley (Live to win CD 2006) - Look what it did for the boys on South park.

7 - Fight to survive by Stan Bush (Bloodsport soundtrack) - Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!

6 - Break the ice by John Farnham (Rad soundtrack) - Also works as a love song... Ahhh, the 80's.

5 - Stand on your own (No retreat, no surrender) by Joe Torono (No retreat, no surrender soundtrack) - The title says it all doesn't it folks?

4 - Moment of truth by Survivor (Karate Kid soundtrack) - Do you really think Daniel-san could've beaten the Cobra Kai without a little Survivor?

Before Survivor

After Survivor

3 - Heart's on fire by John Cafferty (Rocky IV soundtrack) - Caution: Playing this song in Russia is punishable by death. Of course most things in Russia are punishable by death.

2 - Thunder in your heart by John Farnham (Rad soundtrack) - "There's thunder in your heart... Every move is like lightning." Learn it. Live it. Love it.

1 - Eye of the tiger by Survivor (Rocky III soundtrack) - The sonic equivalent of pure testosterone. Proven to regrow hair on lab rats.

A lot of these songs are out of print but can easily be found on the 'net with a little clever searching.

St. Valentine's day massacre

2007-02-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure if schools still formally celebrate Valentine’s day, but when I was a kid we actually had a party during the school day. The PTA Moms would come in with pink frosted sugar cookies and cupcakes and the kids would all exchange those crappy little Valentines with pictures of cartoon or movie characters on them. The ones I handed out were usually Star Wars or G.I. Joe themed because honestly, what little girl wouldn’t want a Valentine with Cobra Commander on it?

It was sort of implied that if you brought in Valentines, you should bring one for each student in your class but of course it never quite worked out that way did it? The popular kids always had a huge stack while the kid who ate paste and smelled like mothballs got just one... the one the teacher gave out. My teachers usually just signed their names in mine, but I always wondered what they wrote in paste boy’s. “Dear, Willie, Happy Valentine’s day. Please don’t come in here some day and kill us all with a fork. Love, Mrs. Smith.”

In honor of everyone's favorite totally made up by candy, flower and greeting card companies holiday I present three of my more memorable Valentine's day memories (Childhood only... This is a PG blog and I'd need to go at least PG-13 for my adult memories).

First grade - Have a Heart (Man)

You probably had at least one teacher that you felt just didn't like you, right? Well, my First grade teacher Mrs. Startzman didn’t like me. I don’t know why, but she didn’t. She was generally unpleasant to begin with but for me she seemed to hold that special contempt usually reserved for dog poo and telemarketers.

For Valentine’s day she had us make these “Heart men” for our Moms (Or maybe they were for her... All I know is that our class looked like a Chinese sweatshop that day). We made them out of pink, red and white construction paper and used those little doohickeys so that they had “Hinged” knees and shoulders. For some reason though I struggled with mine, at least in her eyes. She walked around the room inspecting our progress and when she got to me she was incensed. “What are you doing? I showed you how to make these. Why aren’t you doing it right? It’s not that hard!” She then jerked the “Heart man” out of my hands and started to correct my mistakes with those goofy safety scissors kid use.

The whole class stopped what they were doing to watch. At that moment I had to decide whether to get mad or cry and I chose get mad. I struggled for a response but eventually settled on something like "Who cares? It's just a dumb Heart man.". Zing! Genius! Crown me 'King of the come back'. Anyway, Mrs. Startzman slammed my Heart man down on my desk and stomped off in a huff. The rest is a blur but I do remember finishing mine and I made sure to draw him a pair of evil arched eyebrows.

In preparation for this blog I dug out my 1st grade report card or 'Elementary pupil progress report' as it was called. For the grade period corresponding to Valentine's day she wrote my Mom the following comment. "Tries to please. Cut & paste needs LOTS of practice." It's rare that you find an educator who stresses the importance of crafting skills over say reading or mathematics.

In retrospect Mrs. Starztman was a visionary. I don't need to tell you that in the 21st century you virtually can't find decent employment without cut and paste skills.

Third grade - What's in a name?

When I was in grade school I have to say that I did pretty darn well with the ladies... err, girls. I didn’t even have to approach them, they approached me! Chasing me, trying to kiss me, pinching my butt... Pinching my butt for Pete’s sake! In a way I think it spoiled me because I thought it would always work that way. Turns out that in spite of all of that Feminist rhetoric about equality, women still want men to do the asking. Anyway, in spite of my short lived grade school studliness the one girl that I liked the most wanted nothing to do with me.

Her name was Paula. Not only was she the prettiest girl in school (With her Farrah Fawcett-like dishwater blonde hair and hazel eyes), she was also the smartest. Why she didn't fall head over heels for a goof like me I have no idea. In spite of having been in every one of her homerooms since Kindergarten, I don't think she'd ever said two words to me. So I was plenty surprised when, during our 3rd grade Valentine's day party, she walked up and handed me an envelope. She gave me one of those 10,000 watt smiles and said "Here ya go!" and then bounded away like a cat.

I quickly ripped it open, imagining her phone number or maybe one of those "Do you like me yes or no?"' things inside. Instead I got a blank Daffy Duck card. After I got my heart out of my stomach, I noticed what was written on the envelope.

Tommy

Tommy? It's a fine name. A swell name. It's just not my name. My name is Tony. In case you're wondering, there wasn't a Tommy in our class. Nope, she thought my name was Tommy. I swear to God above that if she'd written "Tommy do you like circle me yes or no" inside that I'd have never let on. Heck, I'd probably be going by Tommy to this day.

Paula moved away sometime after we made it to middle school. A few years later my friend's girlfriend (And now wife!) saw Paula at the mall. Paula asked about the old gang and when my name (Tony this time, not Tommy) came up she said "Oh yeah... He was a bit of a Space cadet wasn't he?"

My response? "Space cadet? Space cadet!... Wow, she remembered me? Awesome!"

High School - Kissed off

I managed to find that nice mushy middle in High school. I played sports (Tennis is a sport right?) but I wasn't a jock, didn't date a Cheerleader or run with the popular crowd. On the other hand I spent a lot of time playing Nintendo and (Exposing a tragic flaw in standardized testing) found myself in the "Honors track" academically. Yet I was never lumped in with the freaks, geeks, spazoids and nerds. I had a few steady girlfriends, went to all the school dances but otherwise managed to fly under the radar... Just like a Stealth bomber! OK, not like a Stealth bomber... Like a Ninja! A bad mama-jama Ninja!

In High school, we had grown past the stage where we exchanged cheap little Valentines. Instead, we gave Kiss-O-Grams. Kiss-O-Grams were made and sold by the ever mysterious "Student council" and sold for about a buck or two apiece. I think it was just a piece of paper with a Hershey's Kiss taped to it, but that wasn't the point. They were hand delivered to you in class. Anytime you got one, the whole class knew it and it was kind of a badge of honor. Needless to say, I got precious few Kiss-O-Grams... Until my Junior year.

I was sitting in Homeroom one day and a girl came to the door to hand out Kiss-o-Grams. Now our teacher Mr. Allen loathed interruptions, but he allowed her to hand them out. They mostly went to the usual suspects until she got to me. She smiled and handed me not one, but two. I sort of stared in disbelief. "Who are they from?" One girl next to me asked. I shrugged my shoulders then turned over the first one. "Good job on your test! - Mr. G" Mr. G was my Social studies teacher. "Mr. G? Crap!" I thought. Mr. G was always doing that encouragement stuff.

"It's from, uh, Mr. G" I said. "Ohhhhh. That's nice!" She said, all too chipper. "What about the other one?" Who is this girl, the CIA? I flipped over the next one.

"I still think you're the cutest boy in school. - Lisa"

"Lisa?" I hear you saying. "Alright! Way to go, pal!" No... No, no, no, no, no, no. No! You don't understand and I don't have time to fully explain. Lisa had been obsessed with me since Kindergarten. I mean obsessed. I spent every recces of my life running from her and her little toady Norma who tried to comer me so that Lisa could give me a kiss. "Big deal" You say. Well, the big deal was that Lisa smelled like Doritos and dirty hair. As I live and breath Doritos and dirty hair! And not just some of the time, but all of the time.

"Who's that one from?" The girl pried. "Huh? Oh, nobody..." SNATCH! Out of my hands it went. She didn't have to say anything, as her face spoke for her. She handed it back and said finally "You two would make a cute couple!" I resisted the urge to pelt her with my Kisses and ate them instead, even Lisa's. Hey, I like Doritos.

Happy Valentine's day

Does Masters of the universe: The movie, have the power?

2007-02-03T06:55:00.000-05:00

After a bit of a break it’s back to ‘Project rewind’. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, please read the post ‘Mac and me... and me.’ to get up to speed.

OK, confession time. When I was 14, I once used my telescope to watch this hot girl a few houses down wash her car in her bikini... OK, twice... How many weeks would you say are in a Summer break, twelve? OK, twelve times. Whew, I feel better. Oh, I have another confession too. I actually watched ‘Masters of the universe’ last Summer sometime. In fact, it’s sort of what sparked this whole thing. I tell you this because some of the details are fuzzy, so the format of this review will be a little different than usual.

The quest for He-Man

This is the point where I tell you how I found the copy of whatever movie it is I’m reviewing. Since I don’t really remember the details, I’ll make something up.

I reserved the movie at my local library and drove to pick it up in my Ferrari. Upon arrival, I was attacked by a gang of Ninjas! I fought them off using the awesome power of Drunken monkey Kung-Fu, then went inside. After picking up the movie, I ran into Jennifer Love Hewitt, who invited me back to her place where we eventually watched the movie... If you know what I mean. No, He-Man, I think it is I who have the power.

A little background

I was a huge fan of Masters of the universe as a kid. I remember my friend Jason coming over with Beastman and Stratos and thinking they were the coolest things I’d ever seen. Hey, I was nine.

The comic books that came with the figures and the artwork on the boxes painted a dark and dangerous world that He-Man inhabited. It was sort of like a cross between Conan the Barbarian and Star Wars. The cartoon shot this all to heck a when it debuted a few months later though. It was more of a cross between Conan the Barbarian and My little pony. Still, I loved it and continue to to this day. I still get goose bumps when Prince Adam transforms into He-Man. I know, I’ve placed an order for a life. It should be here in a few weeks.

The live action Masters of the universe movie came out in 1987, a full two years after the whole He-Man phenomenon had died down. To be honest I don’t know if I didn’t go see it because I was over He-Man at that stage or if I was indignant over the liberties it appeared to take with the story. I do know my friend Charlie saw it and when I asked him how it was his response was simply “Awful.”. I did see Robocop that summer though. Awesome movie.

Over the years, for whatever reason, I simply never sought out this movie. Heck, I even came across it on TV several times but never watched it for more than a few minutes. The main novelty was that it starred Ivan Drago and that girl from friends. Now that I finally had the DVD in my hands, I was actually pretty excited to watch it.

By the power of numbskull!

Once in a generation a film comes along that changes our expectations, broadens our perceptions and ignites our collective imagination... Sadly, this isn’t that film. That’s not to say it’s bad though.

As you probably know, MOTU: The movie spends only the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes of the movie in Eternia (Which looks strangely like a California desert)... The rest it spends here on earth in that ever exotic setting of Anywtown, USA. Now, I love Anytown, USA, but when you put guys in crazy costumes in a real world setting it sort of makes it hard to keep the illusion up. This and the fact that it ignores so much He-Man canon like the significance of the Power sword, it's ties to Castle Grayskull, He-Man's alter ego Adam, Cringer/Battlecat, and Orko has made it a pariah to He-Man fans. I understand this, and I agree it's really not a great He-Man movie but it is an OK action/adventure film.

To fully enjoy MOTU: The movie, you have to divorce it completely from the cartoon. Forget about the fact that it leaves out characters, ignores or short shrifts locations and changes canon. If you can just pretend that the cartoon doesn’t exist, and judge it solely on it’s own merit I think you’ll find that it’s an adequate 80’s action/adventure movie. Below Conan the Barbarian, but above Red Sonja.

I actually re-watched it a few days later with the commentary track on (I know, I was shocked there was a commentary track too) It’s clear that the director was working under some enormous restraints. It seems he really did want to make a movie that more resembled the cartoon, but the budget wouldn’t allow it. In fact, I think the film company actually declared bankruptcy before filming ended. Ouch.

If it’s good enough for Courtney Cox...

Virtually every time Courtney Cox came on screen I started singing that annoying theme song from Friends. I actually don’t know the words, so I just made them up. “Your parrot died, your cat got fried, your hamster’s M-I-A-AAAAAAAA!!!”.

After an hour and a half of that, I started to think “Hey, maybe the rest of the cast of Friends could star in their own live-action adaptations of 70’s/80’s cartoons or toy lines.” Let’s face it, it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do right about now.

Matthew Perry – It’s too bad there was never a cartoon called “Fluctuating-weight-drug-rehab-man.”, he’d have been ideal. Still, that elasticity has to count for something. Let's say Plasticman.

Matt Leblanc – Would make an perfect Bizzaro Superman or Solomon Grundy from Super friends.

David Schwimmer – This man was born to play Huckleberry hound.

Jennifer Anniston – Normally I’d say Skeletor, but they’ve already made that movie. Then I thought about Scooby doo, but again they’ve already done that too. Then it hit me, Thundercats!... Yep, she’d make a perfect Snarf.

Lisa Kudrow – I’m thinking “Barbie: The menopause years”.

OK, I just read that last part and realized it was pretty mean spirited and that's not what I'm about here. On the other hand I couldn't bring myself to delete it.

What I liked

Good score by Bill Conti

Frank Langella makes a good Skeletor, even if his costume and make-up are all wrong

Dolph Lungren makes a decent He-Man... When he doesn't have to speak

What I didn't like

He-Man canon just tossed aside

Could have done without the drama surrounding Courtney Cox's parents

The bottom line

Poor He-Man movie, decent action movie. 6/10... Now, if you'll excuse me, Jennifer and I are going to go for a spin in my Ferrari.